Perfectly Perky
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Calm down. This is not another post about plastic surgery. Nor is this a post about the botany of breasts, but that would be fun. Another time.
This is a post about people. Perky people. Perennially, perfectly, perkalicious people. People who smile and sing sweetly through their days. People who do not appear to worry at all. People who seem to have this whole Happiness bit figured out.
It is not often, but every now and then I encounter a Perky Person. A creature who does not complain. A creature who just loves to announce her cheer and satisfaction. A creature who is never tired or frustrated or sad! A creature with perfect children who eat perfectly-balanced meals and sleep like champs! A creature who is just thrilled with her relationships and her job! A creature who seems to celebrate everything!
Every freaking thing.
And when I encounter a creature like this, I react in one of two ways. One reaction: I am in awe (and, yes, in envy). That any human being can be so stuffed with sunshine all the time. My other reaction: This creature is full of shiitake. That this is an act. That there is something or many somethings to hide, being hidden. That someone so insistent on brandishing her own bliss is doing so to obscure, to distract, to deny.
I am no expert on decoding human behavior. I don’t pretend to be. But these Perfectly Perky people? They make me a bit suspicious and a bit sad. Because you know what? Life is not always rainbows. Stuff sags. Skies are sometimes gray.
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What do you make of Perfectly Perky People? Have you encountered these creatures in the halls of your days? Do you ever want to shake these sweeties and say, “Stop pretending. It’s okay. To struggle is to be human”?
Everyone struggles and...
I don’t think you can conflate perkiness with happiness overall. Neither do I think it’s necessarily fake (although sometimes it surely is) — there are a lot of people who, naturally or with effort, put on a cheerful brave face for everyone else as a way of coping themselves. A way of bolstering their strength, publicly, just as others find strength in commiserating (or complaining) to friends. Mind over matter kind of thing.
Personally I know I’m just as mixed up and insecure as the next person when I’m alone, but I often find myself sounding much more optimistic and cheerful when talking to others about my life or even my problems. I don’t know why, it certainly isn’t a calculated move.
Kat – you make a really good point and I wanted to respond to you right away because I think this could be the start of a really interesting conversation here today… I did not intend to conflate perkiness and overall happiness. In reasonable doses, I think perkiness is a good thing. But I have encountered people who are so perky about everything we enter cartoon character territory. These people are not just upbeat and smiling and full of humor (all good things), but go a step further (or is it farther?) – they announce their accomplishments and broadcast just how good everything is… They are over the top. These people are almost Stepford-esque about their “perfection”. And I thought this was worth writing about because it strikes me that these are often the saddest people of all, the people who are really struggling with someone and feel compelled to mask it so thoroughly…
I am never quite sure what to say or do when I encounter such individuals (and believe it or not I do and not infrequently)… I am not cruel and I do not tell them to drop their act, but sometimes I am tempted to… If I have learned anything from starting and maintaining this blog it is that strength and happiness often comes from allowing oneself to be vulnerable and insecure from time to time…
Do I sometimes turn on the perk when I am out and about? Sure I do. Do I tell every stranger or acquaintance my problems or fears? Not at all. But I also don’t enter the realm of make-believe and pretend that all is peachy in my world. Does this make sense? Hope so!!! Thanks for chiming in so thoughtfully, Kat.
One of my best friends is like this. Everything is GREAT all the time and life is just plain an occasion for celebrating ALL THE TIME. And it’s taken 10 years – more, actually – but now, once in a while, she will lift the corner of her perk and show me something that frustrates her, or dismays her. So I don’t know … at least in her case I understand it as a kind of defense mechanism and the way she was taught to be in the world. Does that make sense? Often I feel jealous of her because it all seems so simple, and like getting up every morning full of vigorous cheer is an easy choice to make. But then I realize, over and over again, I’m just not wired that way, no matter how much I wish I was. xox
I’m with you Aidan, I am a little suspicious of absolutes. Friends who never fight with their husbands, people who say they “never” eat sugar (or anything else) or people who are never blue, always perky. There are exceptions and complications, there simply are.
I instantly thought of two different people that I know. The first is a good friend who is genuinely perky. She has the most sunny disposition of anyone I know but she is also human and isn’t afraid to admit it. The other person I know is full of shite. It took me several years to figure it out and to realize that her false perkiness was draining on me every time we got together. I value my relationship with the first person and try to avoid the second.
I don’t know … while excessive perkiness does get immensely irritating, I’d rather be around a person like that than someone who prefaces every conversation with a sigh, who always sees the gloomy side to everything, who simply cannot say something good without something bad to immediately counteract it.
And maybe it’s because I grew up in a corner of the world where people have to work hard just to eke out a living, where winter lasts and lasts and sunshine is rare, but I know far more people who are constantly gloomy than overly perky, so I suppose the perky thing has the value of rarity for me! It would probably bug me far more if I had to endure it more frequently.
Fascinating topic. I will confess that at times in my life (not recently, but when I was in high school) I have been that perky person. For me it was due to a couple of reasons. One was basic insecurity – I didn’t want anyone to see the doubts that lurked beneath my surface smile. The other was a probably misguided attempt to get my insides to match my outsides – the thought that if I were perfectly perky to other people, I would become that for myself.
With time and confidence I’ve dropped the perky facade. I’m still fundamentally happy. But I don’t feel the need to prove it to people all the time. And I must say, I think I’m more likable and relatable as a result. Not to mention that it’s a much nicer existence not putting on a show all the time.
My aunt is a “perky” person. All the time. Always happy, always singing through life. At first I thought it was just an act. But the longer I have known her and the more I talk with her, I realize that it isn’t. She has such a deep unwavering faith in God and she believes that her life is in his hands and beyond her control. So why worry she says?
I truly believe it’s impossible to be happy all the time. We all have stress, we all have worries, we’re all a bit insecure about something, and heck, I’m willing to bet everyone has been disappointed in life. Maybe I’m a pessimist when it comes to this topic, but I just don’t think it’s possible. Typically I find that perky people are covering something up and/or not dealing with the reality of a situation. The best way to keep people from asking questions is to be happy, and the best way to not deal with something is to put a smile on your face and ignore it. Emotions are apart of us – good or bad – and they make us human.
I could not agree more. A life of constant, unwavering happiness is impossible. But I guess I am wondering why given this reality, there are some people who are so intent on obscuring the despair they feel from time to time. I am not advocating that we all run around complaining, but that we not work so hard to hide that fact that we are, as you say, human. Thanks so much for chiming in, Kristen!
Interesting. . . Gretchen Rubin had a series of posts addressing this issue a few months back on The Happiness Project blog. The main point that stuck with me from that discussion was that perkiness may be a reaction to what’s bad about the world – like, a reaction to what Gretchen calls the “Eeyores” of the world (there are so many more Eeyores than “Tiggers”), or, like the main character of the movie Happy Go Lucky, a conscious choice to be happy despite the bad things that happen.
When I meet a perky person, I don’t automatically think “fake.” I think living is really hard, and we’re all trying to do it the best way we can. If it makes it easier for someone to present a perky front, well, I’d rather be around her than around a perpetual complainer.
I am with you. I’d much rather be around someone who is upbeat and perky than someone who is a constant downer. I think the idea that perkiness is a reaction to the world and personality patterns is very interesting and intriguing. This makes sense to me. Perhaps perkiness is a form of defiance against negativity. That said, I am a lover of authenticity and honesty and it is hard for me to witness someone who is trying so hard, in reaction to something societal or no… Thanks for chiming in here and making me realize that I should be careful about conflating perkiness and falsity…
I feel the way Kristen does,it’s impossible to be happy all the time. Some people hide behind putting a front or pretending. Most of the time you don’t know how they really feel or what they really believe. Another good topic!
I worked with a gal about twenty years ago who epitomized the word perky. Everyday a smile. If someone slighted her, she smiled. Always cheery. I believe I resented her happy disposition because I just didn’t understand how one could be that happy ALL of the time. I didn’t think it was a realistic point of view. She said she shielded herself from unhappy news, she didn’t read newspapers nor did she turn on the evening news. Her motto seem to be ignorance is bliss. I think life is full of happy moments and sad ones too. You realize the intensity of the happy if you allow yourself to experience the sadness. I don’t believe you can have one without the other.
Hi Aidan,
A friend (who happens to be perennially perky btw, so read into it what you will) posted this on facebook this morning, and I think it’s pertinent to this discussion. It certainly got my wheels turning.
“If you have a strong negative charge on someone, take a look inward. We will see in others what we do not want to look at in ourselves. Who are you really angry at?”
I’ll admit, I have been close at times to “hiding” this friend on fb due to the constant celebration and display of his perkiness. And you know me – I’m a relatively perky person. But he is an excellent reminder that the planet is filled with all sorts of extreme personalities, without whom the world would be just a little less interesting.
Bridget!
So thrilled to see your name pop into the comment box. So interesting about this FB guy. His words are certainly intriguing and thought-provoking and I do think he is on to something insofar as often our most profound reactions to others have more to do with us than they do the people we are reacting to… Thanks for reminding me about the value of diversity in this world. You are right that it is the variety of people, even the extremes, that make life so interesting.
Okay, I will email to catch up!
I’ve always felt family pressure to be perky, and descend from some perky women, indeed. But I’ve tried to be more honest and open in my own life, as I find it hard to relate to others who are perpetually perky. And I know that people have found it hard to relate to me if I sugarcoat things and pretend all is perfect. (There are a lot of p’s happening here!)
Did you notice the woman in your photo is holding her arms aloft? Mine would be more perky if I perpetually held my arms above my head as well. But then… people might wonder.
I’m with you. Sometimes things sag.
I agree completely, as I think the same thing. That is, I am either in awe or truly in disbelief. I know someone who always answers the question “How are you?” with the response “Never been better!” I’m sure the answer is not always true, but such a positive response is usually uplifting and a reminder to me that I should strive to be more positive (one of my goals on my new “Betterment Blog” for this year — see http://www.BettermentBlog.com ).
I agree that perky is better than bitchers. My friends and I definitely vent once in awhile but we are mostly positive. As Martha Beck says people either recharge you or drain you. I suspect the perkiest people are trying hard to recharge themselves and may not want people to see their pain. If they are trying to be perfectionists they’ll tire of that eventually.
Malena – Thanks for chiming in here! I think it is interesting that the very thing that might recharge an individual (perkiness) is the very thing that might drain the rest of us (perkiness). Again, I agree that I would much rather be around someone who skews upbeat and perky than someone who is perpetually negative, but I am partial to the in-between, to the positive people who are not interested in pretending all is peachy all the time.
I tend to float on the darker side of things (I am a bit cynical) so the perky people always have me questioning what they really think, which makes me distrust them. I believe this distrust is grounded in a lack of confidence in myself – like if they are not talking about the “real” things happening in their lives – the ones that are not perky – then the conversation is superficial. If the conversation is superficial, then they do not feel close enough to me to tell me the less happy things in their life, which makes me feel that there is ultimately something wrong with me that they can’t be honest and forthcoming. But I wear my emotions for all to see and likely why I have this perspective.
That said, nothing’s worse than a constant complainer.
I usually think of your second reaction and my imagination runs wild in figuring out their secret dark side.
i’m the lamest blog reader now. but, aidan, you will always be one of my very favorites. period.
not only was a greeted to a delightful rack, but i also was greeted by your effortless charm, shitake being an exceptionally nice touch.
you, my friend, are a treat to read. i hope you’re well. i have a feeling you are.
This post spoke to me a bit. Not because the perkiness bothers me, but because I probably fall more into the ‘perky’ category. And while the word ‘perky’ has a negative connotation in my own head this definition has been used to describe me before: “People who smile and sing sweetly through their days. People who do not appear to worry at all. People who seem to have this whole Happiness bit figured out.”
And while I don’t claim to have the whole happiness thing figured out, I will admit, it is one of my stronger points. I am happy by nature & on top of that I think happiness is a choice not a circumstance. And frankly, I choose happiness and part of choosing happiness is recognizing that life isn’t all sunshine & rainbows & choosing to be okay with that. It is almost a game of figuring out what to be grateful for {in even the most disappointing day} & focusing your energy on that. I have given myself permission to be happy & have found that it is much easier to be happy when your expectations are fluid. Happiness doesn’t require a grand gesture or an extravagant affair, in fact most times, it comes in quiet day to day moments.
I am experimenting in 2011 with choosing happiness more often…inkddesigns.blogspot.com
Have you ever met a Perpetually Perfectly Perky Person (PPPP) — regardless whether they are fake or real — interesting? I haven’t. I know a few PPPPs and they all just seemed so dull.
I think within the Perfectly Pesky, there are two classes: The Truly Happy and The Disappointed.
I know that especially at work, I try to keep it perkier (is that even a word?). But that’s because otherwise my co-workers are like, abnormally depressing. Can anyone say Coping Mechanism?
I agree with everyone that someone with lots of negative energy is SO much worse. With that said, I am actually trying to think of perpetually perky people in my life right now…and I’m having trouble coming up with any! I wonder why that is, because I’ve certainly met some.
On a related note: It’s interesting to me that I can think of guys who are, similarly, always in good spirits, but I don’t tend to categorize them as “perky” the way I do with women. Which seems ridiculous and sexist of me!
My best friend is perky like this, but she is also real and I love her to death. I myself am not overly perky even though I am happy and life is good. I prefer to deal with “real” people and will even complain to my husband when someone is too perky. For example, my OB’s old nurse…so.freaking.perky that I didn’t know if she was real or not and that bothered me a bit. I like his new nurses better because they seem like normal, down to earth, people.
I guess as I think about it more, I don’t mind perky if it is genuine and I don’t feel like it is a fake cover.
Very interesting post and comments! I have found, in more than one instance, that sometimes the perkiest people have the murkiest pasts. They are perky to hide the hurt. Of course, this is not always the case…