Pondering Plastic Surgery
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I’ve been pondering plastic surgery. Not pondering it as in contemplating doing it. But thinking about it. Conceptually. Theoretically. Topically. What it is. What it means. Why people go there.
Why is my mind traveling to the land of nips and tucks, of sharp knives and curious lives? I’m not so sure. Maybe it’s because it is all around me, and us, those examples of elective evolution, that precarious parade of plastics. Maybe it is because time is ticking and my body and mind are no longer nineteen. Maybe it is because I am currently a collective of curves, avec child, rotund with good reason, living change and craving control. Maybe because these days my mind is stretched just like my belly, more open, more curious, than ever before.
Time for truth. Once upon a time, I felt that plastic surgery was (in most cases) grotesque and gratuitous, unnatural and unsavory. I was a wee bit judgmental back then – about many things – including those who opted to go under the knife in quest of straighter lines and better proportions and some kind of perfection. But now? My opinion is less spiky, a bit softer. I feel that if people want to change themselves, if they give it serious thought and can afford it physically and financially, they should be able to do what they want.
But what about me? I’ve said it more than once on this blog, but this is very likely my final pregnancy. In a few months’ time, I will have my body back. And I plan to work hard on that body. To tighten and tone it once more. To whittle away the excess and slip back into those skinny jeans. But what if my efforts, genuine efforts, are in vain? (Pun intended.) What if I work and work and I am not satisfied with the results? What if there are some changes I cannot create on my own?
Would I ever go under the knife?
I will never say never. I think never is a fundamentally foolish word. But I don’t think so. Not because I think it is a terrible and tacky thing to do. (I think it can be when done for the wrong reasons, and is taken too far.) I don’t think I could do it because I have a family. A man whom I love who loves the imperfect me. Because I have little girls who look up to me and need me. I do not want them to see me surrender to insecurities by donning a hospital gown. I want to set a good and healthy example, for them to see and believe that there is a range of beautiful. A wide one. I want them to see and believe that there is more to confidence and happiness than physical perfection. (Ideally, I want them to know that there is no such thing as physical perfection.)
More importantly though, I don’t think I could elect to go into major surgery – one with concomitant risks and big ones – when I have these creatures at home. It is not just me anymore. It just doesn’t seem worth the risk, does it?
But something strikes me now as I write these words, something that’s hard for me to articulate. But I will try. Isn’t this just another example, admittedly of the more superficial variety, of that tension between self and other, between soul and society, between individual and family, between parent and child? Does the existential calculus change when we commit and create? Are we supposed to make every decision by looking at how it will affect the ones who love us and need us? Are we supposed to silence dreams, however vulgar or vain, if they might harm those who watch us and witness our wanderings? Are we supposed to forgo all risks in life because we must be here and healthy for those who depend on our continued presence?
Do we live for them? Or do we live for ourselves? Can we do both? Can we ever truly do both?
(No, this is no longer just a post about boobs and bellies. Phew. My integrity remains in tact. At least partially.)
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How do you feel about plastic surgery? If money were no object, would you consider plastic surgery for yourself? Why or why not? Were you more judgmental when you were younger? Do you think it is truly possible to live for ourselves and live for those who need us most? Is the tension between self and other just a fact of life?
Everyone struggles and...
Loved “rotund with good reason”. I have many clients who elect to have surgery. Some do a little work post babies or later in life. I have come to realize, for many people, it’s a lot more complicated than a nip and a tuck. I fear many people do not put the deep thought into it you have and thus do more and more.
How much thought is enough thought though? I guess I would just always worry that the change would not be what I envisioned and that I would change my mind later on about what is desirable on the spectrum of nature and “nurture.”
I don’t view plastic surgery as “vulgar” or “vain.” It’s a choice – like whether to have wine with dinner. But, like wine, in excess plastic surgery can be a slippery slope (think: Joan Rivers; Heidi Montag). If it’s done wisely, however, no biggie. Just make sure to do your research first, and pick your surgeon wisely!
I think what rattles me about plastic surgery is its basic irreversibility. In going under the knife, we are in many ways permanently changing what we look like and who we are and cannot go back. Sure, there are corrective options, but you can never get your original self back, can you? I am also concerned about the message these surgeries send – about expectations of youth and beauty, about choice and control. Indeed it is a complicated topic. Thanks for chiming in here!
In re-reading some of my favorite older books lately, I’ve been struck by a recurring theme (and not even the same authors!) of how true happiness comes from thinking of others more than ourselves. It is such a foreign concept to our generation, I think, and maybe even a generation or two before us (like I said, these are OLD books). We (or at least I) tend to think of putting others ahead of ourselves as a sacrifice, a good one, but not the key to true happiness.
But I find myself wondering sometimes – maybe those very different authors were on to something back then. Maybe putting the needs and wants of others before our own IS the key to greater happiness, instead of just something we ought to do. Maybe not, maybe it’s just one of those concepts that sounds better in fiction than in reality. But it does give cause to ponder.
Maybe, just maybe, living for others is one way to live the fullest for ourselves, too. Maybe there doesn’t really need to be a tension between the two. Maybe.
So interesting to think about. I can certainly see that there are many examples of how living for others is entirely commensurate with living for ourselves, but I do believe there are instances where the two can’t help but conflict. And what are we to do in these situations? Tread the path of selfishness or altruism?
It IS a dilemma, and probably one that can only be answered on a case-by-case basis. Because sometimes, doing the altruistic thing can be wrong, and what seems like selfishness is good. And sometimes the reverse is true. I think in most cases, you have to trust your gut!
I would consider plastic surgery. I believe, as I have gotten older, to never say never. But do I believe that I would actually go through with it? That is another question. I really don’t know. You brought up good, important questions. As a first time mom to be, I want to be there for my child and for my husband. I think we all struggle with making ourselves happy versus making others happy. But what makes me happy is my family and taking care of them. So I don’t know if an elective surgery that does have risks is for me.
Isn’t it endlessly tricky this game of balance between self and other? You hint at a dichotomy, and an important one, between theory and reality. In theory, I think there is nothing wrong with surgery as long as there is sufficient thought put into it. In reality though, I don’t think I could go there…
I go back and forth on this topic. I really think the reasons behind plastic surgery can tip the scales in either direction. Naturally, many people who go under the knife do so for the sake of pure vanity. But others are affected more deeply.
I know a few women who have gotten breast implants because they were naturally very small busted and just didn’t feel feminine or womanly in their bodies. I knew a girl in high school who had a very prominent hooked nose and was surly and unpleasant. She got a nose job during her junior year and the change to her appearance made her more confident, nice, and fun. And I have a girlfriend who delivered twins (both nearly 7 pounds) a couple of years ago and is toying with the idea of a tummy tuck because with all that extra skin around her midsection she just doesn’t feel like herself.
I suppose what I’m trying to say is that if a physical imperfection is dragging down the rest of your life, I don’t blame anyone for wanting to fix it. All told, the cost of plastic surgery may not differ much in cost from the years of therapy that might have been required to make peace with that imperfection. However, if surgery is pursued in the same way that one goes about a new hairstyle or pair of shoes (“This will make me fabulous!”) then perhaps one’s priorities should be re-evaluated.
I nodded through your entire comment, Gale. I believe that there are compelling reasons for these surgeries and reasons that are far less sound. That said, I am still confused about the central dilemma between catering to self and catering to others. There does seem an inescapable tension between making decisions for ourselves and making decisions that are better for those in our lives… How much does our confidence count when weighed against the health/confidence/body image of our kids? I don’t pretend to know, but thank you for your very thoughtful take here.
“I want to set a good and healthy example, for them to see and believe that there is a range of beautiful.”
Bravo! If only, at 29, 3 children later, I could convince myself of that. I’m making progress and now feel that curvy is beautiful but I can’t help thinking that curvy would be even more beautiful if it was 20 lbs. lighter.
I hear you. Isn’t it curious (and in many ways foolish) that we hope our kids will adopt these healthy attitudes when we have such a hard time doing so ourselves?
I feel the way Gale does. Again this is not a black or white issue because there are different reasons to why people elect to have surgery. When I told family and friends that my son is thinking to choose surgery for his speciality it was funny how all the women immediately said,”tell him to choose plastic surgery” .
I had to laugh because their reaction was so typical. He was actualy thinking about trauma surgery.
You are right. This is a gray issue. One with complex sub-issues to examine. So telling that the women all said that your son should do plastic surgery… Goes to show you how prevalent it has become in our culture.
Two thoughts: 1) after 6 children my body will never be the same without some surgical intervention. However one of the plights of having six children is that there is never money for plastic surgery. Money goes to things like food and braces, and college, which is looming large on our horizon.
2)Watch movies from the 80′s. It wasn’t that long ago that women on tv and movies were allowed to be larger, curvier. Women were appreciated for their obvious differences from men. Now we work hard to slough off our curves and have lean hard bodies, which is what men are supposed to have. It’s happened over time, this gradual change in our culture. Does a fish know it’s wet? We expect women to not look like women. I am just as guilty of wanting this as any other woman. But I wish I wasn’t.
Great points. I posed the question as “if money were no object,” but the truth is that is indeed an object, a big one. I also agree that our culture has shifted to expect women to look a certain way and that it is problematic. How do we not all get sucked into these cultural preferences though? I don’t pretend to know…
I don’t think I could do it. It’s taken me a loooooong time to be comfortable with this genetically given body of mine, and plastic surgery at this point would feel like disrespecting the long, hard self-esteem battle I have finally won (or at least take to a stalemate).
This makes sense to me. There has been little discussion here about the message we send to ourselves by going under the knife. Can someone have both healthy self-esteem AND opt for plastic surgery or are these things mutually exclusive?
I think this is a difficult topic, and it’s one I’ve written about several times, from different viewpoints. For one thing, I’m older (cough choke), and “on the market” so to speak – professionally and personally. It’s a whole other perspective from this vantage point than the theoretical – or even when you’re talking about post-pregnancy nips-and-tucks when you live with the father of your children who did have a hand in that swelling body of yours.
Ultimately, I think these are highly personal decisions that people (most often women) make for many reasons. Where we have real dangers, I believe, is in the fact that we are losing our sense that diversity is beautiful. We are denigrating the natural effects of pregnancy and childbirth (their traces that remain on our bodies), as though they are “bad.”
Furthermore, the more women who go under the knife, the more we are penalizing those who do not, and in some instances, we are crafting a culture that says scars over nature.
I have no answers. Only questions. And circling back to the fact that while this is a personal question, it has considerable cultural ripple effects. That will surely impact our daughters.
I agree with so much of this, BLW. These are highly personal decisions. But I agree that the real threat here is to diversity. How do we protect it though? And I hadn’t explicitly thought about the effects plastic surgery has on those who DO NOT have it? Very interesting… And, yes, ripple effects galore.
Wow, I thought I had thought about this a lot. You have put some great thought into this. Quite honestly I would not have thought much about the topic because, like you, I had always written it off as something I would never do. I don’t judge people who do it, but I am baffled by a couple of my good “running” friends who have amazingly buff, toned, awesome bodies who are all considering getting boob jobs. One disadvantage of being crazy in shape is that you lose the fat in your chest as well. Anyway, someone, a good friend, who I would consider having a nearly perfect body, had a boob job last year because she was tired of sagging and she is very happy with it.
This doesn’t change what I would be willing or not willing to do to myself, but it does make me ponder the topic more. It doesn’t help that my other runner buddies are all talking about it too. I guess I never would have thought we would be having such conversations.
I think there is a certain amount of contagion at work here. It is not so much that we are all going to run out and sign up for surgery because it is all over the media and even happening within our social circles. But topically, these things spread. Particularly when friends whom we respect and admire start talking and thinking about such steps…
“a range of beautiful” these words sung to me. I see they rung true for Jonita as well. This might be the best gift you give your daughters. It certainly is the best thing I’ve recieved today.
Oh, do I hope to succeed in giving them this gift, in truly convincing them that there is a compelling spectrum of beauty, of intelligence, of “success.” Now – how to convince myself before they are old enough to realize that I am awash in insecurity and confusion myself?
Aiden-
I love the juicy question at the core of this post… In fact I loved it so much I wrote my dissertation on one aspect of it! Part of your question centers around how we conceive of the ‘self’ itself. In the West, we tend to have a very narrow conception of the self and a correspondingly broad notion of the degree of autonomy that self is entitled to.
In other cultures, the ‘self’ is much more relational. I *am* because I am someone’s daughter, someone’s wife, someone’s mother… In these cultures, conflicts between self and other are understood quite differently because the ‘self’ is understood quite differently.
I found that when my son was an infant, whenever anyone would ask how I was, I’d always reply in the plural. “We’re fine.” Or “We had a rough night last night, so we’re a little tired and cranky.” I used to think that it was a form of ‘motherese’ or something like that, but then I realized that at that point, our lives and well-being were really pretty enmeshed. If he had a bad night, so did I. If I was feeling good, so was he. For that period of time, my sense of self and autonomy was really different. And while I sometimes felt like I couldn’t do something I wanted to do because it would impact him negatively, it didn’t take much to realize that the costs/benefits to ME weren’t worth it.
Another thing I find fascinating is how our sense of identity and what is essential to that identity morphs over time. So… while looking a certain way might seem essential enough to one’s identity to undergo plastic surgery, it might also be that we could look fondly at those old pictures and say, “Wow… that’s who I was then (a young, fit, marathon-runner) and this is who I am now (an older, softer, version of me who will never run as fast as I once did. And who has come to terms with that.)
The things that once defined us, don’t always hold up over time, and it’s an interesting practice to notice what parts of the identity we once took for granted, or fought to establish, no longer fit.
Wow… this got long quick, but like I said… I wrote a dissertation on this, so I have a lot to say!
Liz – Thank you so much for chiming in here and lending your expertise on the subject! You raise a fascinating point about how we conceive of self in our culture and how that conception is often quite narrow. I can certainly see that once we paint a broader portrait of self, the tension between self and other seems to abate.
I also love what you have to say about the shifting of identity, that there might be something important and priceless about the change in who we are over time. I can see that what is important to us now will feel much less important in the future and that it is possible that we will look back and celebrate the evolution in body, mind, and self…
Again, thank you for your thoughtful words and ideas here!
At the moment it appears that I am the “sole” man to respond so I’ll give a male perspective based upon my own thoughts and some of my friends.
We are in our early forties now, the boys and I and we see this very differently than we used to. I won’t lie, when I was a twenty something it was much more important that a woman have a nice body than it is today. We paid attention.
We still do because we are visual creatures. I think that we are wired that way.
But, we look at women very differently than we used to. We kid around about having the hard body gal in the bikini- but in reality that is far less important.
Without question we agree that we want someone that we can talk to. We want a companion that is more than a body. So the point is that if you are contemplating plastic surgery do it for yourself or for medical reasons and not because you think some man wants it.
Oh, I am so grateful to have this perspective here, Jack. Thank you for chiming in (and for alerting me to the fact that your comments were not showing up. They were indeed going to my spam folder for some reason. If this is happening to anyone else, please please let me know!)
There is a wonderful balance in your view here. Of course physicality continues to be important, but it is not paramount. It is good to know that men also crave something beyond perfect proportions. Conversation. Camaraderie. Companionship.
And so we are left with another important point, one you make convincingly: If we elect to go under the knife, the reasons should be about self or health and not about men.
Thanks, Jack!
I have thought about this quite a bit. I’ve had three children and, while my body weight is the same as it’s always been, the excess skin in my midsection makes me look ridiculous and ugly (IMO). The skin is all shriveled and loose and I could wear a bikini confidently except for that fact. I feel uncomfortable showing my skin and it affects my ability to have fun – to go out by the pool and enjoy a dip with people around, etc…
That said, it IS major surgery and to volunteer to take that risk is unconsciouable for me. I have responsibilities to my children and family. So I guess I’ll just continue to hide in the house, throw on a wrap or wear a one-piece. There are worse things in life – and I don’t have the spare cash anyway so it’s an easy decision.
I appreciate your perspective, Cathy, in that you can see what benefits plastic surgery might confer but you can also see the reasons – more practical, more philosophical – that it is not for you. What’s interesting (or not, maybe) is that I think we tend to overestimate the effect these changes (losing weight, altering our bodies) will have on our happiness and our lives… Personally, I can envision having a surgery and having little change in terms of confidence, outlook…
To me it really comes down to just one thing – the risk. My husband had back surgery recently, and sitting down there in the waiting room for 3 hours while I waited for it to be over was tortuous. The thought that the people I love (parents, husband, my unborn children!) would have to endure that makes it absolutely out of the question. However, I do think there are definite reasons for some people to seek plastic surgery, especially if it’s affecting the overall quality of their life in a major way (breast reduction, etc). Even my husband said, after going through the surgery, “Wow. Now that I’ve been under general anesthesia and gone through all that… I can’t imagine doing it voluntarily.” With that said, no judgments at ALL. I think people should definitely do what they want with regards to this issue. I’m not in their shoes so it isn’t my decision! (I agree with you, Aidan, that we have a duty, at least in some way, to teach our kids that women are beautiful at all stages of life. This message is seriously lacking in our culture right now.)
As for self versus others…. that’s a tough one. So many decisions we make in life are not our own. I guess you have to make pro/con lists and figure out where you land.
As someone who has been in that waiting room, counting down the long and wrenching hours waiting for a loved one to return, I so get this. The risk just doesn’t seem worth it. That said, I agree with you that this is a personal decision and that if someone has an easier time undertaking the risk, that is their choice. As for sending good and healthy messages about body and beauty, I don’t even know where to begin, but I guess thinking about it and discussing it is a good, if humble, start?
Definitely a good start. It’s something, right?
“Do we live for them? Or do we live for ourselves? Can we do both? Can we ever truly do both?”
When you find out the answer to these please let me know!
Oh, I will. Don’t hold your breath though
I feel like a little bit of plastic surgery post-pregnancy is more than acceptable. You just can’t fight gravity sometimes.
That being said, more than a basic tune-up seems a little bit excessive to me.
I hear you. I guess my question is when we move from the realm of “acceptability” to that of “excess”? And isn’t this a subjective call in the first place… Isn’t gravity a cruel mistress?
Hmmm… I can not say that I have never considered it. When I was younger and almost always wore a two-piece to the beach, I always said that after I have children, I would totally get a tummy tuck. But then I had a son. And while I am fit and slim and like my post-baby body, I do not [always] like to look at my stomach in the mirror. I do not always like to shop for cover-ups and beach dresses before going to the beach. I’ve thought about it. A lot. And I would LOVE to have my old stomach back where I can bare my mid-section proudly. Maybe I’m being vain. The only thing that has prevented me from actually doing it is 1 — I may not be done having children, 2– I’m secretly praying there is a cream to rid me of stretch marks, and 3– I can’t think of taking that risk when I have a son who depends on me.
But I still contemplate…
Love your honesty here, Alicia. What you say makes perfect sense to me (down to the dreams of magic creams and more kids!) At least we are allowed to contemplate it, right?
I read this the other day, and things were crazy at my house so I was unable to comment.
I agree with so much of what you say. I, too, was once judgmental and now am less so. In all honesty, I would love to have my breasts returned to their original location. In all reality, though, there is no elective surgery in my future. It’s one thing to go through life-saving surgery, it’s another to put my life at risk for the sake of my breasts.
I don’t feel like this is living for my kids, in the sense that they dictate my every thought or move. But they do inform everything about me. I brought them into this world, and have a responsibility to them. While there’s likely a larger chance of dying in a freak car accident than from complications of surgery, I operate on the let’s-not-tempt-fate premise.
I used to be very judgmental, but after seeing the havoc of having one baby and still being fairly sure that I want another one…I can’t say never.