So Embarrassing
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You are in a good mood. Which is always nice. It’s time to get dressed for that birthday party. You are eight months pregnant and it has become harder to find something to wear. You try on a few options. None quite works. You zero in on a black sweater with a big neck. It looks fine. Maybe even better than fine. And then you see them. Your skinny maternity jeans. The tiny ones. You are brave. You say aloud, I am going to do it. I’m going to try those suckers on.
And they fit! They fit just as they did at the beginning. When there was barely a bump. You pose in front of the mirror, smug and satisfied. Maybe you are all belly. Could very well be.
You arrive at the party. Scatter hellos and hugs. Your youngest girl says words you’ve been wanting her to say. I have to go potty! And she is just two, so young, so advanced, and you feel a stab of pride and lead her away. Off to the potty! You announce. And you place her up on that white perch and she does it. A mini triumph. And then it’s your turn. You sit there, pants down and hostage, as your little creature unlocks the door. Wait! you croon. Not yet!
You jump up. You wipe off. You yank those sexy jeans up. And you hear it.
Rip.
You know. But still you look. Down. At the vast rip right down the crotch. The noteworthy window of white skin. You panic. Your little creature dances and smiles. You look around the pretty powder room. Brainstorm. You feel air on your inner thigh. You look at your sweater, already stretched and stretch it some more. As far down as it will go. It just gets there. Hiding the hole.
You open the door. You walk out. One hand holds that of your little girl and the other pulls that sweater down. You tiptoe to your trusted other. I have a situation. A smile comes. You have no choice. You spend two hours embarrassed. And hoping not to hear that sound again. Praying no one sees.
Then it is dark. Little faces are covered with frosting. The party is over. You say goodbyes and thank yous, still tugging. In the car, you let go, and you see it. The patch of pasty white glowing in the night. You smile. Now you smile. And you decide. That it was not you. Not at all. It was the jeans. They have been worn and washed too many times. The fabric was weathered and weak and you moved too fast. It was simply the perfect storm for shame. Right.
You sit there in silence, still smiling, wondering if anyone saw. A story, you say. This is a story. And I will tell it. Because it is funny and I am human.
And so. Even though you are embarrassed, so embarrassed, you do. First you change into your loyal leggings. Then you tell it. Word by word. Rip by rip. Smiling the whole time.
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Have your pants ever split? Have you ever experienced a similarly embarrassing moment? Please tell your stories and make me feel better. If you happened to catch a glimpse of my inner thigh last Saturday, I sincerely apologize. It won’t happen again 
Such a good story. Is there a moral? If there is one I would say it’s never underestimate the love of loyal leggings. You’re 8 months pregnant, don’t be embarrassed. I do need tips for when your kids unlock the bathroom door and you’re still “there”.
Good story. Made me smile. Not because it happened to you, but because I can see it happening to me! I am in my second trimester now and the numbers on the scale just keep going up, up, up! I probably need to go and look at maternity jeans because I have not been in my regular jeans for a while! Thanks for sharing your story!
Oddly, maternity jeans are probably among the nicest maternity items out there. I’m sure you have noticed that, huh? My advice? Do not insist on wearing the same ones over and over through two pregnancies. If you do, prepare yourself to have a little bit of wind on your thighs
Oh Aidan! What a trooper you were – to have stayed at the party and to have told the story here. Just another month or so and you’ll be out of the woods. In the meantime, long live your loyal leggings!
No, my pants haven’t split yet….but I’ve had a week of embarrasing pregnancy moments…and that was just by Tuesday. Two major work mis-haps (brain appears to be gone), and a meltdown in my closet Monday morning. The same 5 pairs of pants are getting OLD. My sympathies. You’re almost there!
Ah, pregnancy brain. It is real, isn’t it? Several times a day, I do things that are absolutely ridiculous. I will ask Husband questions and then he will say, “I don’t know” and I will have to ask him what I just asked. I put weird things in the fridge that don’t belong there. I am just hoping that after three babes, I get my mind back!
Such a funny story!
And, yes. I have split my “pantalones”. I was studying abroad my junior year of college, indulging in too much of the local cuisine and logging too many hours at the corner watering hole. To make matters worse I actually split them while I was backpacking and didn’t have a spare pair! I think I had bent down to tie my sneaker. I remember it being in public and making a horrifying noise! I’m laughing to myself now, remembering how my dear friend and I frantically stitched my dark jeans with bright yellow thread, the only color left in her travel sewing kit, in the bathroom of a McDonalds.
At the time it was all very traumatic. And now, secure in my post college, post abroad, post graduate school body, I like that I have this story to tell.
Isn’t it amazing how when these things happen they are truly devastating in the depth of their embarrassment, but then time – even a little – ticks by and we realize that we have a great story. Ultimately, these little sagas (for me) are reminders of imperfection, of contingency, of life. I am so happy I posted my Saturday story even though I was quite hesitant to do so. And I am thankful that you chimed in with yours! Priceless
Drat! That is a bummer! The worse part is it’s all you were likely thinking about for the rest of the party! It could happen to anyone, pregnant or not. It sounds like you look amazing!
Amazing? Hmm. Not sure that’s the totally appropriate adjective, but I will take it. Truth be told, I have gained a sensible amount of weight and I do think most of it is in my belly region, but that makes for a pretty massive belly region… I do have grand plans to look amazing though soon after the birth. Not that physical appearances matter that much to me
Oh, no! I don’t think I’ve had this happen to me, but I AM wearing my skinny maternity jeans (is that an oxymoron?) today, and they are starting to get SNUG! Great story!
Uh oh. Beware. If they are snug, you might just be blogging a similar second person story of shame next week
Funny, I have a post prepared for tomorrow on maternity skinny jeans / jeggings (gosh, I hate that term!). And yes, these are the best stories to share because you know we’re smiling with you all the way. And I agree, it’s totally the jeans.
oh man, this made me laugh!
I once walked around for a good hour and a half with a rip down the back of my pants. as luck would have it, I was on the train, sitting across from a cute boy. when we both got off, I noticed that he was looking at my derriere. and I’m thinking, “sheesh, I know I have a cute one, but come on, be a little discreet.” so I’m thinking he’s totally checking me out. meanwhile, I get home an hour later, to find my hot pink underwear peeking through a rip down the middle of my pants. yeah, embarrassing. heeheehee
Love this. Particularly how you assumed he was checking you out because of your cute derriere
Perhaps this is the writer in me, but have you ever wondered where that boy from the train is now?
I almost rolled off my chair laughing while reading this. First, I was so impressed that you got into early maternity pants – mine are a no go at this point. Sorry it ripped, but that is too funny and you ARE right – it IS the pants. Thanks for sharing such a funny and honest post:)
You know what? I was genuinely hesitant to share this post because it was really so embarrassing, but I’m so glad I did. These things happen to everyone. Life has its unexpected blunders and why not laugh about them? And it was the jeans, right?
You’re lucky you FIT into your skinny jeans at all! I have gained so much more weight in my second pregnancy that almost nothing fits -and if it does, I’m uncomfortable all day! I try to stay in sweats as much as possible. So, not one person at the party noticed?? Thank god for your stretchy sweater
Sweats are heaven, no? And the very concept of “maternity skinny jeans” is a bit of an oxymoron, huh? I don’t think anyone at the party noticed, but I could be wrong. Particularly because it was a kid’s party and many of the parents were crawling around on the floor after their little ones. Hope I didn’t traumatize anyone with my window of skin
And, yes, I am grateful for that stretchy sweater!
It’s Louisiana and it was 100+ degrees this day. My friend drives a little car with leather seats that can push the ac thru the seats. She is wearing work out tights and has just finished a workout. She was headed to meet a friend at a local deli for lunch.
You have to know my friend and know that she used to be an actress so she is quite loud and dramatic. Never makes an entrance quietly! Anyway, she walks into the deli through the door where she has to cross in front of the dining room. The whole while waving and making a scene if you want to call it that. She greets her friend and they sit down on a nearby bench to wait on another friend when a lady looking so distraught runs up to her and tells her there is a hole in her pants. Lady “There is a hole in your pants! I would have never noticed if those boys over there hadn’t been pointing and laughing!” So my friend feels behind her thinking it would be a dime size hole. Nope! It was a huge hole right down the seam of the pants showing her butt crack. She ended up staying and eating but only after one of her friends brought her a shirt to tie around her waist. When she walked up to the counter to order the manager comped her meal.I truly think she was more embarrassed about that then the hole! Really turned out to be a funny story. By two hours later the story had spread with picture! Her Dad who lives 4 hours away in North Louisiana even called her to give her a hard time. I keep the picture so when I need to tell a funny story I can pull out the proof!
Oh how I love this story! That there was a photo and that her father saw it. Too much. Am very relieved to know that this can indeed happen to anyone and I am grateful that there were no lurking photogs at the party (that I know of)… Good thing I’m not a celebrity
What a cute and funny story, and you are a trooper!
Thanks, Ayala!
Agh!
The perils of pregnancy dressing.
7th grade gym class, forgot my gym clothes. Wearing–and no, this wasn’t cool for the time just as it isn’t cool for this time–jeans with a snap button on the top. It’s raining so the entire grade is inside the gym playing one giant game of kickball. I’m up. I miss–bad enough, right?–and fall, arching my back sharply. When I stand up my pants fall down. As everyone starts singing “Blue Moon” I run to first base, like I’ll be able to disappear there or something.
I think I still blush a little thinking about that day. Thanks for reminding me and thanks for sharing.
Oh–and it was definitely the jeans. DEFINITELY.
That is a funny story. I’m glad you toughed out the party and were able to smile about it.
I’ve never had my pants rip in the crotch but I can relate to the anxiety of trying to make it through the work day with a wardrobe malfunction… a safety pin in place of a button or double stick tape holding up a hem or a scarf strategically placed to hide a stain from lunch.
Oh no! That’s terrible! I would have been mortified too, but I’m sure no one else noticed. It always seems worse that it probably is! When I was 12, I wore this cool wrap around skirt to school. It was only attached by the ties–no zipper or buttons or anything. During lunch, when I was outside in the courtyard with my friends, a big gust of wind came up and all of a sudden my skirt was around my ankles. Possible the worst moment of my little life up until that point. I didn’t wear skirts to school for a very very long time after that!
I do have an embarrassing story – but I cannot share it’s that bad…
As others have said – you are quite the trooper to stick it out!
How horrendously embarrassing! Good on you for staying at the party though… and having a laugh about it with your friend and with us!
This happened to my maternity jeans, too. (It is the jeans!) But, um, I kept wearing them. Just with longer sweaters. I knew it would be my last pregnancy, and I didn’t want to buy another pair. That means I’m thrifty, not cheap, right??
A very cute story, I am glad you decided to tell it because we’ve all been there or at least close to there.
Oh I can just imagine this happening to me- without a child involved! I can’t say I’ve ever had a ripped crotch but somehow I’ve managed to ripped my bum (doesn’t sound right) and my knee.
That’s the problem though isn’t it? You find the perfect jeans and abuse them until one day they decide to reciprocate!
OK. I have taught exercise classes of one sort or another for years. No decades. And. I. Have…trouble throwing out those teaching tights. I’m cheap AND lazy.
One day, while at home in said teaching tights, I bent over to get something. My husband happened by and caught a glimpse. “Yikes!” More than a little worn. That’s why they were so soft!
I tossed them right there on the spot. But all night I kept thinking of all the yoga poses I’ve demonstrated where I’ve ASKED people to look at my butt while I did a posture.
Feeling better, Aidan???
Oh! So funny and embarrassing. Although I haven’t had my pants split, I have had my toddler open the door when I’m still on the toilet. Just happened at a party last week, as a matter of fact. Like others, I admire that you stayed at the party. I think I would have been more dramatic and left! (And by the way, the fact that I haven’t had my pants split while preggers doesn’t relate to lack of weight gain, but just to the fact that I’m less brave about skinny jeans. Even if they’re skinny maternity jeans!)
I like this comment. Maybe all of this happened simply because I am brave
Love the lightness of this story Aidan. I’ve probably done a dozen embarrasing things, but the one that comes to mind is during an interview with a law firm. I accidently wore different looking black shoes. I only noticed as I was walking out. I’d like to blame it on interview jitters. I still got the job, but really embarrassing…
Love this story – and also love the idea of “Maternity skinny jeans”. What’s next – Maternity jeggings?
But seriously, I love this story on SO MANY LEVELS. Maybe because (even though I can’t think of a specific example right this second) this feels like my life and what life in general is made up of… little stories (fun, funny, embarrassing, sad, you name it) that make up the fabric of life… sorry, had to go there.
I have maternity jeggings!
From here on out, I will be careful about wearing them, but I do own them… Yes, this is what life is about. It is a necklace of small moments, tiny stories. I celebrate that even if it means I’m sometimes left with a conspicuous hole and a red face.
Ok I didn’t split my pants but on Christmas Eve– Christmas Eve!– the chair I was sitting in broke. Talk about humbling.
Oh no! High five for braving the skinny maternity jeans. I’m so not that brave. I bet you look fantastic and are totally all belly.
Cheers fellow momma of 2011!
Oh no! It happens to all of us. I ripped my favorite pair of black dress pants right down the rear seam at work… like, a perfect tear exposing my behind. And my underwear? Not cute that day. My coworker noticed before I did… my very young, very male coworker.
Death would have been welcome at that point.
I think the fact that you even own skinny maternity jeans is amazing… and the fact that they fit at 8 months deserves a pat on the back! Jeans rip when worn to death, that is usually how I know mine have seen a better day. So no worries
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It really is the jeans! And I am not just saying that to make you feel better
I honestly think that craftsmanship has gone way down over the years. My son is always coming home with ripped pants.
For some reason, since becoming a mother I feel that nothing shocks me anymore, and that we mothers can openly belch, fart, etc. etc. without shame.
I do have an embarrasing memory. Years ago at work I walked into a conference room (I was to lead a morning orientation for a group of university students) with two different shoes on my feet, and one female student was looking at them (I imagine with a disgusted look on her face). I kept a massive stock of shoes underneath my desk, and I had been overworked and stressed and so kind of lost my mind.
Good thing is, this kind of thing has to happen to everyone…
i feel your pain! i can barely fit into some of my large maternity clothes at this point. i’ve been wearing xl for the most part. but then some shirts don’t fit that great in the chest area and i have probably flashed my cleavage as a result.
hang in there! soon we’ll be exchanging labor stories.