Hard Conversations. Have Them.
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I’ve said it before on this blog. For me, happiness is conversation. I believe this. This is why I write. Because writing a novel? It is having one long and winding conversation with myself and the world. It is having small conversations with my characters, my creations. And maintaining this blog? It is having five conversations a week with people I know and people I don’t. People that matter. And being married to Husband? It is a continuous conversation. About who we are individually and together. About what we want and what we need and what we hope for. Alas, in my estimation, a good life is a constellation of conversations.
Even hard ones.
Yes, hard conversations. The conversations about tricky and treacherous topics. About emotion and artifice, loss and longing, disappointment and doubt. The exchanges about expectations and effort, about fears and flaws, about cracks and confusion. The talks that stir anger and apology, grist and guilt, rawness and regret. The words that bring hurt and hope, tears and clarity.
Hard conversations. I had one recently. And it was not easy. Because these conversations aren’t. On the way to transparency, to stable ground and deeper love, we encounter scary moments of torture and turbulence.
These conversations? They shake us. But they also make us.
Hard conversations. Have them.
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Do you have hard conversations or do you do your best to avoid them? What happens to these conversations when we do not have them? Do they fade or fester? Do you agree that sometimes the path to mutual understanding and awareness is not smooth, that we need to stumble and struggle to reach the other side? Can life be good without constant conversation?
Having the conversation, even the hard one, is often easier than the anticipation of it. I too love the conversation of my blog and the conversation I have professionally all day long. I’ll tell you this, some people don’t like to dig and will tell you do. I think marriage needs a dialog and sometimes that way you go about expressing things or not expressing things needs to be adjusted.
I agree completely with Lauren – it’s very often the anticipation of the conversation that turns out to be the hardest part – and the longer we put it off the harder it gets, until eventually we find we’ve paralysed ourselves.
If you’re contemplating a hard conversation, ask yourself the following questions:
– what would be the ideal outcome for this conversation, so we BOTH feel that we’ve come out of it with something we want?
– how do you want to come across to the other person?
– what’s the worst that could happen if you *do* have this conversation?
– what’s the worst that could happen if you *don’t* have this conversation?
Often we’re frightened of saying something because we don’t want to upset someone or we’re frightened that they won’t like us any more – so it’s also woth thinking about how much difference it’s going to make to you if that person does get upset or doesn’t like you any more.
Somewhere, and I can’t remember where (of course) I read an old man refer to his marriage of 60 (ish) years as a “lifelong conversation.” THE lifelong conversation. I loved that.
Now, of course mine needs to get home in this blizzard so we can talk. But first he has to shovel.
I agree with you, that life is in the exchanges, verbal and not. That’s where it all is.
xoxo
I’ve never been much of one for small talk, idle chit-chat. But I love, love, love deep and meaningful conversations. Thankfully, I married a man who feels the same way, so even when we have hard conversations, we are usually on the same page about the importance and necessity of them, and that honesty is the best path to a healthy, happy relationship.
I love the conversation. Even the hard ones, once you confront them you feel better. I love the conversation here and in this blog world. In my business I am fortunate to have some great conversations as well. I love what you write about marriage and the continuous conversation-I am blessed that way too.
I too love conversations. And I love hard conversations. Sometimes the conversation itself isn’t always pleasant or fun, but the end result is usually a much richer and more rewarding connection.
I have learned the hard way, though, that some people just don’t like or value hard conversations. I’ve tried to bring up hard topics and ended up feeling alienated from the other person. Whether it’s interpersonal conflict or just a touchy topic in general, sometimes conversation just doesn’t work the way I wish it would. I’ve learned that I have to “know my audience” as it were, and treat each person in my life according to their particular needs and capabilities.
The net-net of this is that while I have good relationships with all kinds of people, the ones I find most rewarding are the ones with people who share my value of tough conversations and are willing to engage in them with me.
i keep trying to think of what to write and all that’s in my head is, “yes! yes! yes!” hard conversations are, well, hard, but they are so intensely rewarding, too, even when they don’t go well. i definitely know that sometimes i try to avoid them–i get scared or don’t feel articulate or think things will dissipate on their own–and i’m glad to be reminded that they’re something i place a lot of importance on.
“A good life is a constellation of conversations.” Love this line. I just had a hard conversation, this morning. And it was hard. (Did I already say that?) If our relationships can withstand them, they usually help us and those around us. But I have had a few that tested the limits of relationships, and that I came to regret a bit. It’s so hard to know what to say, what to risk. But staying silent is rarely productive or healing for me.
It’s important to have those hard conversations. You cannot hide from reality for long and be successful. Just had a hard conversation last night but am now stronger with less weight to carry.
Isn’t it amazing that in being vulnerable, that permitting ourselves to be raw and open, we can come out on the other end feeling so much stronger?
I had several very hard conversations with my father in my 20s. Eye-rolling (on my part), ranting philisophical and borderline morbid at times (on his part)…but when I lost him, when I found myself feeling like a child but having to do very adult things after he died, I was glad I had those conversations over and over with him. It gave me peace to know what I needed to do during a time I needed him most, those conversations came back to me, comforted me when he died. I knew what I needed to do because he told me, over and over, because he knew long before I did how much I would need him at that time and he wouldn’t be there – but he made sure he was. Hard conversations come in all relationships – in marriage yes – and with our parents, especially those of us in the sandwich generation. I urge you to have those hard conversations with your parents too, if you’re able. And with your kids.
Yes, it is the hard conversations that stay with us, that burrow in, that inform who we are and who we become. Voices carry, questions linger, and people remain long past their words. And I agree, and wholeheartedly, that hard conversations should be had between parents and kids, friends, romantic partners – really any combination of people who care – and deeply – about one another. Thanks so much for your thoughtful comment.
My husband has definitely taught me to not avoid hard conversations – that it’s okay to bring up the difficult stuff and talk it through… and in the end you’re better for it. (I spent a lot of time avoiding this in life, I think). Now I’ve gotten much better at not judging the conversation. It is what it is – not bad, not good, just necessary.
I think too many of us spend time and energy avoiding tough conversations and rough existential spots in life when the best thing is just to wade through. You are right that often these conversations are fundamentally necessary and are neither good nor bad. Ultimately, to the extent that they clarify bonds and clear air, I think they are good though…
Timely post, as I just wrote on The Betterment Blog: “We avoid being direct because we think the other person knows what we think. Or, we’re afraid to be blunt because we don’t want to offend. But by doing so, we often enhance miscommunication.” http://www.bettermentblog.com/2011/01/30/on-reagans-100th-birthday-a-simple-tip-to-be-a-great-communicator/
The question for me is always whether people really want to have the hard conversation. I think it depends on what the topic is and where you think it might go.
Some hard conversations are far more difficult than others. I am not sure that some people are truly prepared to hear the unadulterated thoughts of others.
A constellation of conversation. I love this idea because it is a drawing in the sky of my life (and others’). Sometimes a conversation I had long ago will circle round to connect the dots and the picture finishes forming.
I speak into the void (here in blog-land, to those with whom I am most intimate, even those conversations I have with myself) and somehow that void anchors my words. I connect. The sky pictures show me to myself and I understand the whole I did not see before.
Thank you, Aidan, for this wonderful image of sky painting with conversations.
Hard conversations are, well, really hard. I have one that needs to happen, but really can’t right now. The other person and I are on completely different wavelengths right now and talking would prob do more damage. It is hard because I think about it often and know that I need to stay away for a bit.
I agree with Lauren and Cathy, the anticipation is the worst. I know that I have a hard conversation waiting for me on the horizon because I can feel it festering. In this case I cannot initiate the conversation, I have to wait for my friend to begin because it is an issue she is struggling with.
When it involves my own issue, I like to take time to mentally prepare for the conversation. I mainly want to make sure that I am being fair, both to myself and the other party. I like to have these conversations calmly and without the emotion and drama that can only complicate the discussion. Even if nothing is resolved, it is still a relief knowing that the conversation has happened.
It’s interesting that you say you can’t start the conversation becaue it’s your friend’s issue – but maybe she can’t find a way to start the conversation herself and needs your help? How could you find a loving way of offering her an invitation into the dialogue?
I have them, usually as soon as I think about them, because as has been said, dreading them is the worst. I avoided one for a month once, and made myself physically sick. Ugh. Not worth it. And often, though not always, we come through these conversations stronger and with a better understanding of the person we’re talking to.
And sometimes, it turns out that what I thought was going to be a horrid conversation is just a misunderstanding.
And sometimes, as Judy said, you have to bite your tongue and wait until emotions calm down a bit. Yours or the other person’s, or both. Just had one of those recently, actually, and I was so angry I was ready to lose a very dear friend over it. And then it turned out to be a misunderstanding. So I’m glad we waited a few days before talking.
Just the other week I had one of these conversations. In the middle of it one answer could have drastically changed the course of the conversation. It wod have changed the course of our marriage. And yet when things were said and done we were back on the right track and closer than ever.
I’ve always believed that conflict is the catalyst to progress. And in order to get there, one has to have that hard conversation with yourself as well as with others.
Communication is so important. With “hard” conversations, one of the best lessons I learned was from Stephen Covey: Seek first to understand and then be understood. Trying to see from the other’s perspective first, really helps a hard conversation go more smoothly.
“A constellation of conversations”. Such beautiful imagery.
In the past, I avoided tough conversations. Now, I don’t. I think they are mandatory. Necessary. The life blood of relationships. Because we’re human and fallible, we err. We annoy. We inadvertently hurt. Words unearth these events, and our perceptions of them, and words start the healing, the understanding, the growth.
I hate hard conversations. But even more than I hate them is trying to avoid them. I’d rather get them out of the way as soon as possible.
and if the relationship isn’t worth the conversation it isn’t worth pursuing or maintaining.
Life without conversation would be … unrewarding. I used to have difficult conversations. Actually, I was just afraid of them. Because I normally didn’t have them. My family doesn’t like to talk things out. They like to avoid. They like to let problems fester. And somehow, they have made that work. But I am not my parents and I have discovered that I need to talk things out. And my boyfriend, my better half, did not understand this at first. Until recently, when he discovered, that we worked better when we talked things out. When we cried with each other and admitted our fears, our failures, and our hopes to the future. I almost lost this amazing person in my life because we didn’t have those difficult conversations. But now I see that sometimes forcing someone to talk about the difficult things could save them. And that has really made a huge difference for me.