I Will Always Care
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Recently, a friend asked me something.
How did you learn to not care what other people think of you?
I smiled. We were talking about my decision to walk away from law and to write. I told her that up to the point when I quit my job at the firm I’d never taken a real risk in my life. I had worked hard. Gotten good grades. Gone to good schools. Checked all those boxes. I told her that I’d always done what was expected of me, what was quintessentially “impressive,” what was safe and celebrated.
I told her that it became time. Time to do what I wanted or to at least to try. To walk away.
And I also told her something that was very true. That when I left law, people thought I was a bit nuts and a bit indulgent to abandon the stable and sparkling career upon which I had just embarked for waters so uncertain. Because people did. They smiled. They humored me. They thought I was acting foolish, impetuous, maybe even a bit entitled.
Even my parents.
I can say this now. Because time has passed and things have changed and I know Mom is proud of me. She has told me so. And before Dad died, he conveyed in not so many words that he supported the fact that I wanted to do something that mattered to me, that I was intent on pursuing passion. (He also didn’t love lawyers.) Fine. But in the beginning? On that day when I showed up on their doorstep, a sunburned newlywed twenty-six-year old with fire in my eyes and proclaimed that I was going to do it, rip it off like a band-aid, that I was going to write and live my life?
It was not lollipops and smiles and good for you! It was tricky. It was a bit yuck. I remember walking home from my parents’ house that night. I remember saying to myself, Today is the day I start living my life without parental approval.
And it was true. That’s what I did. I started making decisions for me. But it wasn’t easy. It still isn’t. Why?
Because I care. And I care deeply. I care what people think of me. I care what my parents think of me. Do I live my life for their approval and assurance? Not exactly. But every time I make a big decision, I think of them, of how they would feel about that thing. I am a big girl now. I have little girls of my own. Dad is gone. Mom is here, but she is no longer the boss of me.
And still. I care profoundly.
I will never stop caring. I will do my best to be independent, to think like an adult, but I will never stop caring.
And so. I said it. To my friend. A friend who is contemplating big change in her own life. I told her the truth.
I will never stop caring. And you might never stop either. But that doesn’t mean we should stand still, does it?
And when I said that, and as I write this now, I think of my tiny girls. I think of a day when they are pondering identity and happiness and progress and life and I hope they still care. About what Daddy and I think. But then? Then I hope they do what they want. What they know, and feel, and trust, is right for them.
That’s what I hope.
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How much does parental approval matter to you? Even if your parent(s) are no longer around, do you contemplate and care what they would think about your life and decisions if they were? Does some part of you hope that your current or future kids always care about what you think?
I do give you parents credit for being honest with you at 26, even if it was a bit yuck. That’s what I would want to be for my boys but I’d want them to do what they believed in, as you did. I decided not to go to medical school in my 20′s. I love what I do and my mother now approves of what I do. I hope, if my dad were here, he would too. I sort of know he would.
Love this:
“I will never stop caring. And you might never stop either. But that doesn’t mean we should stand still, does it?”
So true. Just because we care doesn’t mean we should stand still…Much easier said than done but realistically optimistic.
It is easier said than done to walk away. That is a very important footnote. It is also important to realize that we are all in very different positions (emotionally, logistically, financially) when the urge to move arises. I try to always be frank about the fact that when I quit the law firm, I could afford to (financially, emotionally, etc). This is an important piece of information because sometimes change is just not a viable option.
You took the words right out of my mouth! This is exactly how I feel. I too walked away from a “great” job and people, esp my mom were stunned that I would do something so risky in “this economy”. It was not an easy decision. It took me a lot of time questioning if what I was doing in the corporate world was worth it or not. I went back and forth on my decision for a long time. My mom even at one point called me crazy. But you know what? As much as I wanted my parents approval, it felt awesome to stand up and do what was right for me. I have spent 32 years pleasing everyone, and doing what was expected of me. So to make this life changing decision was empowering. I have never regretted it because I am going to be a mom soon. That was my ultimate goal. I will always care what people think, esp my parents. But sometimes I have to remind myself that I need to take care of my happiness.
It’s such a delicate balance, isn’t it? Between what we want and need for ourselves and that abiding desire to please, particularly our parents? So wonderful that you are exactly where you want to be in large part because you took charge of your own happiness.
I will never stop caring. About my parents or about others. I wish I could, sometimes, but I just can’t.
xox
I will never stop caring but I have always made bold decisions. My parents didn’t always approve but in the end they were proud of me and what I accomplished. With my children I hope that they would consider my advice and I also hope that they make their own choices. I think it’s great that you followed your dream and passion. It’s better than living a life of what should have been or could have been-good for you.
I care less than I used to. I credit my husband with helping me develop a lot of the confidence that enables me to care less. I still care, though. And that care does still influence the decisions I make. It is not, however, the trump card that it used to be, which is very freeing.
Thanks for your candor in this post. Most of us got to know you after the book was written and sold, after the blog was up and running, after all of the “yuck” that you describe had come and gone. It is good to know the backstory here; that it wasn’t all lollipops and smiles from the beginning. I think I still have some of the risks and challenges and “yuck” in front of me, and it’s heartening to know that I won’t be unique in those experiences when they come.
Oh my gosh… a friend and I stayed out late last night talking about just this! We are both in our 40′s and we still trying not to care what our parents think but somehow can’t shake that. We then talked about our own children, college bound, and how we have OUR hopes and dreams for them…but do we really know what THEIR hopes and dreams are? Shouldn’t we care about what that is so that they don’t have to care what ours is?
Isn’t it amazing how we conjure these brilliant dreams for our own children without thinking too much about what their own dreams might be? I hope very much that I remember to sit down with my girls when they are a bit older and ask, really ask, what it is they want? Because I think dreams alight early on and I think it is important for them to know that I (and we) care about what they want for themselves.
I was just thinking about this the other day. I know for a fact that, generally speaking, I don’t care what people think of me. I just do my thing. But there’s all types of caring. Do I care what my parents think of my career choice? No. They’ve thought it was “cute” for quite some time. But do I care if they love me? Of course.
Thank you for making this point and this distinction between caring what our parents think of specifics and caring that our parents love us in general. I guess my question is: Don’t these two things inform one another? Isn’t our parents affection for us influenced by what they think of the decisions we make? Or maybe not. Maybe that unconditional parental love truly transcends the isolated decisions we make along the way? (Thanks for making me think.)
It is hard not to care about what other’s think, but I find as I mature as a person, I care less and less, but I don’t think I have ever, as you say, fully “ripped the band-aid off.” I still pursue the equivalent of your lawyer career. We have been able to do some off-the-beaten-path type things like living in Mexico and Shanghai with these careers so in that sense we have strayed a bit, but I still do dream of one day doing a career I love more than the one I have now. I don’t continue on this path because of what others think (at least I don’t think that is why I do it), but of course for the salary and lifestyle it affords…
Anyway, I think it is so exciting you are doing what you love!
wow. seriously? i was lying in bed in the middle of the night considering just these questions. on the brink of graduating, i am turning over and over what i want to do next. my ideas and my parents’ ideas are pretty different. then again, they often have been. my process usually involves spending a lot of time and energy worrying about what they’ll think before deciding to go for what i want anyway and then quaking in my boots until i muster up the courage to tell them. they have burst my balloon enough times that i now know how to re-inflate it after we talk and they’ve also shown that they can often come around in the end. my dad is better at this than my mom, a fact which has long baffled me.
i think because my parents have always been so open about the ways in which my life has disconnected/deviated from their plans for me i feel really worried about how to guide my own kid, about knowing when to let her go and how to invite her hopes and wishes out.
i think that accepting that i will always care what my parents think was helpful towards giving myself space to follow my heart anyway…not sure why, though.
so much to think about…
I love this post. It sums up the things that I have been thinking for months. I have been wanting to make a big leap, but have been very concerned about what others would think.
Leaping is complicated work, no? It is so hard, if impossible, to shake concerns about what others think, but if we can do it, and we are truly in the position to leap, I think it’s never a bad thing to go for it.
So beautiful. I am very fortunate to have parents who I know that as long as I am a happy, moral, hardworking, and honest person, they truly support me no matter what.
Having 3 children I, as I know you do, have so many hopes and dreams for them. As much as I try and prepare them to accomplish the goals I have for them, I am also preparing myself that they will take my lessons and ultimately choose their own path.
What a thought-provoking post…
I definitely care what my parents think- and can see where I took the ‘safe’ path because of it. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve gotten more courageous I suppose, or more able to trust in myself to know what is right for me.
When I think about my son, of course I want him to care what I (and his dad) think about the choices he makes. AND I hope he will have the courage to follow his own path, even if it is not what we would choose for him.
I’m going to trust that he will know that no matter what he does we will always love and support who he is.
I suppose this is what they mean by giving your child roots and wings…
This is a big, meaty topic for so many of us. We’re taught to be independent (in our western, individualistic culture), but the truth is that we’re very connected to others. And the influence and sway of our parents seems indelible. I think there’s a tension, a fine line, in tuning in to our own wants, while also acknowledging that the opinion of others does matter. “But that doesn’t mean we should stand still…” That line speaks to me. Very much.
A fine line indeed. You are right that we are taught from such a young age to be independent, but the reality is that we are connected to people we care tremendously about. Life is about walking this line, isn’t it? And it’s not easy either.
As always, Aidan, you present a thought-provoking post.
Being authentic doesn’t mean we don’t care what other people (particularly those people we love and respect) think. We listen to those we love, like our parents, and take their input into consideration. We may not always do what they want us to do, but we listen and understand because we care.
At the same time, as parents, advising our children what we believe is best for them doesn’t mean we don’t want them to be authentic. We advise them because we care about them and sometimes we feel our wisdom may help them. But when they go their own way, it doesn’t mean they don’t appreciate our advice.. it means they have chosen a different path, and we should celebrate their independence.
As either the parent or child, we care what the other thinks. The key, as the child, is not to rebel against advice, but to listen, and still make our own decision.
If we’re lucky, our parents (or grown children!) will respect and support our choices, even if they are not what they would have chosen themselves.
You make an important point here. Doing what we want and need to do (being authentic as you say) and heeding the wishes of others are not necessarily mutually exclusive. I guess the big question remains what to do (and how to do it) when the visions of others we care about deeply and our own desires profoundly conflict. (I don’t pretend to know.)
Aidan, wonderful post! This is such a universal experience for most of us. Maybe I’ve forged ahead on my own path in my 20s and 30s despite what my parents may think because I kinda did one of the most egregious things a teen can do. I told them at 19 that I was pregnant. I was the oldest of five, the mostly straight A student, first in family to go to college, preacher’s daughter, etc.
I held that secret for as long as I could because I didn’t want them to know I had sex before marriage! The fact that a baby was actually coming was secondary…cracks me up now! I was in fact surprised with their reaction–especially my father’s. Much more forgiving than I ever imagined.
For all of you still worried about making necessary changes in your life for fear of what your parents or others may think/say…ask yourself a question. Would you always regret not making this change/decision? Don’t hold back in life as a result of fear. You will lose friends, yes. (Hopefully your parents are more understanding!) Change is painful…but the rewards of living life fully and authentically far outweigh the risks you imagine right now.
I wonder what influence gender has on this. My parents know that they are free to offer their opinions on what I do with my life.
But they also know that I am going to do whatever I think is right regardless of their support. If you ask if I prefer to have their support I would say yes because I value their opinion.
Yet at the same time it is not about what they think but what I do. My career path has been very different from my father. He never would have done these things but not because they are bad. They are just completely out of character and things that he would not find fulfilling or enjoyable.
I don’t want my children not to do things solely because I have an issue with it. My issues do not naturally translate into being their issues.
Oh, how I love this post. I care, and probably always will, what others think. But more and more, I’m moving to my own rhythm, trying my best to be me. It is a challenge, a daily one. xo
A daily challenge indeed. But such an important one.
This is a hard one… I definitely care about what my parents think of me and evaluate how their opinions will shift based on decisions I make. I try to remind myself that they love me and that I don’t need their OK on everything to “earn” that love. I’ve learned not to bring something up if I am looking for reassurance, rather than true advice or input. The former seems like a recipe for disappointment or self-doubt.
Great post, Aidan. I guess that I’ve been really lucky in one sense: my parents are not only super supportive of my unconventional (to some) carer path as a writer… they have always encouraged it. Their motto is, “if you can pay the bills and make it work… go for it!” In fact, I love my dad for once saying, when I brought up the idea of law or business school, “Don’t do that – you’ll be selling out.” (Let me just say that he did NOT mean this as any kind of dis to lawyers or business people! He meant that it’s not right for ME, his drama major daughter who spent her whole life acting, writing, singing, dancing and generally being artsy. It really resonated and made me want to give him a huge hug over the phone – because, well, I guess it made me feel that he really believed in me.) With that said, my parents are also very practical, so they would never tell me to max out my credit card so I could write a book or take on an artistic endeavor.
So wonderful to hear that your parents have been both supportive and encouraging of your choices. Also, good to know that they are also practical people. I think so many of us think that there is a necessary tension between practicality and passion. Maybe not, right?
Well done Aidan, well done! You have chosen a path that will truly pay intellectual and enlivening dividends for many years to come. I decided against LS after an internship my junior year of undergraduate studies and can candidly assert that there is life beyond the didactic verbosity of LS. You are living proof that such idioms hold true. Keep up the fabulous work.
Cheers,
Raulston
Can I post this on embrace the detour and pretend I wrote it? I love this because I lived this. I am, daily, living these words.
Every day, I try to be the parent who respects her children’s right and wish to make their own choices. And every day I fail, at least a little. I only hope that, over time, it gets easier, more natural. So that when they come back home in 20 years, yearning for my acceptance and excitement for their decisions, I can honestly feel those things, without any of the yuck.
I fight with this everyday because you so want your parents to be proud but the struggle is in finding what will also make you happy and many times the two just don’t fit. But things always seem to work out just right in time. Good post!
This post is why I love you, Aidan, and why I loved Life After Yes in such a serious, profound way. You get it. Life, love, hurt, family — everything. You get it and you spin it back to us in just the right way. I needed to see this today.
I will always care what my parents think of me. I’m 25 years old and am, for the first time, grappling with making the largest decision of my life to date — a decision my parents, kind and logical, will not agree with. I haven’t made my choice. I don’t know what’s right or wrong. And I don’t know what’s right: doing what I want and making them unhappy? Or doing what they want and being unhappy myself?
Well, actually… I guess I do know the answer. It’s the first one. But it’s going to hurt.
Thank you, Meg. Thank you. How exciting and terrifying that you are on the brink of big change. I know, how I know, how hard it can be to feel that tension within, to know that there is no easy road even if there is a good one. To appreciate that there are never any guarantees. It is so tricky to become an adult, to think and decide and dream without undue reference and deference to those who raised us so lovingly and so well. But you must live your life. YOUR life. It’s amazing to do just this, to live life for yourself, but it also hurts. It does. I won’t pretend otherwise. Ah, life.
I think this is something I will always struggle with. Oddly enough, I didn’t feel like I needed their approval as much when I was younger and I had no difficulties in announcing to them that I was dropping pre-law for teaching. As a mom I want their approval, I need to know that they think I’m doing a great job. Maybe my issue has more to do with confidence, when I was in my early 20s I thought I knew it all but now that I am in my 30s I realize I still have so much to learn.
That’s a sign of a good parent child relationship, isn’t it? They raised you to love and respect them, to go to them when you need guidance, but to also stand on your own feet. I don’t think we ever stop looking to our parents for approval, but you know you are an adult when you go against their advice and follow your own path.