To Leave Or Not To Leave. That Is The Question.
- 02
- 22
- 11
Maternity leave, that is.
One of these days, she is going to arrive. And, for the third time, our good world will tumble upside down. There will be little sleep and much love and plenty of change. Life as we know it will be history. We will suddenly, exquisitely, be a family of five.
I can’t wait.
But I can. Because though we are 99% ready for her arrival – in terms of physical preparations – I am not nearly that ready mentally. Try as I might, it is hard for me to wrap my mind around being a mother to three tiny creatures who need me, and profoundly, in different ways. Try as I might, I can’t figure out something else: What I should do writing-wise once she arrives.
Husband reminds me over and over of one thing, one impossibly true thing. If you were still at the law firm, you would be counting down and the minute she arrives, you would be out of there for many months. You would not do a stitch of work during those months. And you would not look back. Wow, is he right. I would – shocker – take a maternity leave. Likely for three to six months.
But now. I am my own boss. I’m the one who dictates how much I work, and when. I am the policy maker in this little company of one. And suddenly things aren’t so clear. I have debated this endlessly.
- Maybe I should just keep posting on my regular schedule as it will give me a lovely literary diversion from diaper land.
- Maybe I should stick to a less frequent schedule – three times a week, or even once a week.
- Maybe I should press pause completely and immerse myself completely in my new child, in this new incarnation of my family, in my new world.
You will notice that the three options above all contain one word in common: should. It’s a terrible word. One I use, and think, and feel, far too often. Maybe when it comes to these things, to most things even, the world should should be banned. (See? This is tough. I just used it again.)
Truth be told, I’m really confused. I love this blog so much and the thought of stepping away – even for a limited time – makes me a bit sad. I also see continuing to blog (in some capacity) as a priceless opportunity to document the early days with my new creature.
But you know what makes me more sad, infinitely more sad? The thought of making an existentially blurry time even blurrier. The thought of missing something, a time, an experience, that I will never get back. The thought of spending precious moments and hours here – writing and worrying – when I could be staring at itty-bitty eyelashes and tickling the new big sisters.
Truth be told, I don’t know. I do know that without writing, in some form and in some quantity, my days aren’t as happy or full as they could be. For better or worse (for better), writing is it, my passion, the thing I adore. Part of me thinks I can – and should (ugh. that word.) maintain my writing even during the wild and wonderful early days with our new baby.
This post is all over the place, but that is okay because guess what? I am all over the place. I am awash in genuine uncertainty and insecurity here. But even now, a fourth option pops into my head.
- Maybe I should take this one day at a time and see how I feel when the baby comes, trust that my readers will be here when and if I choose to write. Maybe I should surrender a bit and realize that this flexibility I have in my life is a profound gift to open and savor when the time is right.
I don’t know. I still don’t know. But goodness am I thinking (non-stop) about these things.
_____________________________
What do you guys think? Does the word ‘should’ populate too many of your thoughts too? Any advice for your ever-confused Professor of Insecurities? What would you do if you were me?
I think you “should” do the last option…because you don’t know what you will need or want until that moment, on that given day. Once you remove the “have to” of blogging, and take life with your littlest new one a moment at a time, there will probably be days when you won’t want to lose a minute at the computer. There will probably be days when you would like to write,but your brain is too muddled with lack of sleep and change. And there will probably be days when you HAVE to write, because you are a writer, and writers write.
Aidan – Do what feels right when the time comes. Please let us know when she has arrived, and that you are both happy and healthy. Beyond that, I have no request. If you want to post, post. If you don’t, don’t. If you get there and find that writing brings you clarity, then don’t deny yourself that because you have guilt about spending time on something for yourself. And if you there and can’t and can’t bring yourself to string a sentence together, then don’t force yourself to write just because of all the “shoulds” bouncing around your brain. Take all the time you need, whether it’s a day or a week or a month or a year. I’m sure I speak for almost all your readers when I say – we love you and your writing and we’ll be hear reading and commenting whenever you decide to come back. Hugs to you sweet friend. XOXO
The last option sounds reasonable and flexible and from what I know of you far too loosey goosey. The last think you need is pressure post baby but maybe a semblance of a plan. Maybe take a week off and then post a bit? I don’t know but I bet you’ll have some sort of structure in place. The one thing about leave, I too have my own business and went back way to early the first time. The second baby was late so again I found myself going back earlier than I “should’ve”. Just something to think about.
This is a huge transition time, obviously. My pastor shared one of my now favorite quotes a few months ago attributed to Brennan Manning, a Catholic, referring to Protestants saying, “You should all over yourselves.” Regardless of religion, it’s easy to do.
Overall, I like the sound of your last option. Once you and your husband enter a new rhythm with your three darling girls, the answer will be clear. Blessings. And I’m confident that whatever break you take, readers will return:)
I vote option 4. We will be here, always.
For example, even on my craziest days, I will always always always stop by your blog. I don’t know if you realize how wonderful your posts are, and how much your readers appreciate them! So, of course, we will be here if and when you choose to write. Go enjoy this time. Don’t worry about us!
Thank you, Laura. It means the world that you pop by here even when life gets crazy. I would love not to worry. I would love to surrender and just see. Unfortunately (or fortunately), I am not very good at these things, at letting go. I crave knowing and structure and plans even though I celebrate the unknown, the chaos, the unpredictability. I guess time will tell. Thanks for your loyalty. As always
I crave knowing & structure, too. It’s just so hard not to! Why is that? I’ve been trying so hard lately to embrace & enjoy the uncertainty, to remember that uncertainty can be exciting. exciting, terrifying: same thing! hahahaha
Let me add my voice to the chorus supporting #4…yes. Wait and see. I know, I know, that’s hard for you (and for me!). But who knows what will unfold and what you’ll want to do with the hours that make up each day … as Laura says, we’ll be here. xoxo
The last door, please.
From much further down the road but with a great deal of understanding, you won’t ever regret taking your time. Just walk through it, one step at a time, taking care of you, taking care of the baby and those you love. It will all unfold as it should.
So much easier said than done, I know….
Metta…
Welcome, Christa. I love the door metaphor and think it is quite appropriate because I can’t walk through until I can walk through. All of this anticipatory doubt is but a precursor to a day when I will feel something and decide something. I know that I will never regret taking my time and so I will try to do that, I think. Whatever that means. Easier said than done? Always.
I really appreciate your words. Thank you.
Oh mama! I feel your stress in this post! Don’t beat yourself up over this! I know. Easier said than done. Just take it one day at a time. If you feel like writing, write If you want to spend the day with baby girl, spend the day with baby. We understand. We will be here. Just don’t stress!
Enjoy this time with your family! Just always do what is right for you and everything will fall into place!
Yes indeed. That one-day-at-a-time approach works wonders. Gets my vote! (And enjoy that new baby when the time comes!)
I’ve been following your blog for a couple of months, I’m expecting just a couple of weeks after you, and I’m totally with you on this one. My job isn’t quite as freelance as yours, but there will be some writing I can do while I’m on leave that would be benefit my career and might even be an enjoyable break from milk-and-diapers land. I’ve been thinking of some version of your #4. Something like, the first week I’ll focus completely on baby and recovery (I’ve even been considering asking my husband to screen my e-mails, so that I can read congratulatory notes without hearing about any crises), then really check in with myself and see if adding a bit of writing makes me feel better or simply more stressed out.
I wish you the best, and you’ll be on my RSS feed whenever you decide to come back to the blog, whether it’s a couple of days or several weeks after baby arrives.
Welcome, Allison. It is really so good to know that I am not alone in facing this dilemma. It isn’t easy, is it? I think that in so many ways this is such a surreal time where we have such little control – over our bodies, over our minds, over our lives – and I am clamoring for a decision to feel like there is some order when the best thing would perhaps be to wait and see and go from there…
Good luck to you too! Do you know what you are having?
I vote for option 4, take it a day at a time and go by what feels right. Only respond to the shoulds if they become overpowering and prevent piece of mind during the time with your new baby.
Good luck with your decision!
I (selfishly) have been hoping that you’d continue to blog after baby #3 is born. Probably not realistic though! Can’t wait til she arrives and hope you take the time you need to get settled in! Good luck and lots of XXXOO. – Amy
Thank you for your honesty, Amy. To be honest, I have been hoping that I’d continue to blog after #3 arrives and maybe, just maybe, I will find a way to do it. We will all have to wait and see. And thanks for your best wishes!
aidan-
we’ll be here.
take your time and trust your instincts.
the words will come when the time is right.
there is something about the days immediately following giving birth that is so intensely, powerfully and beautifully automatic. i remember making all these well-laid plans only to discover that i was a purely instinctual animal, that my thinking and my acting became seamlessly melded together. you will know what to do and when to do it.
be well. be so so very well.
Option four! Do what is best for you – we will be here;) Take out the “should”!
Breathe and do what feels rights. You’ll know what that is when the time comes.
Breathe. Now that is some sage advice. Seriously. I forget to do that sometimes. I hope you are right that when the time comes, I will know what to do. I really hope this is what happens, that this cloud of confusion will lift and I will know.
I think that you should take it one day at a time. This way you can write if you feel the inspiration and if you don’t or if you choose not to that will be okay. Don’t limit yourself but leave it open. You may enjoy writing about your new adventures when you catch a minute to yourself.
I certainly wouldn’t want you to miss out on precious moments when your new baby arrives. Like you said, those are moments you will never be able to get back. The blog and the readers, we will certainly be here when you find the time to post. I vote for the last option — Take it one day at a time, Aidan. You’ll know when you feel the need to write a post. And that way, there will be no pressure to write. A pseudo maternity leave, so to speak.
I think you know in your heart–or you will when she arrives–what to do. Don’t put pressure on yourself. When you have the impulse and the time and the two line up, write. When you don’t or you can’t, don’t dwell. Enjoy enjoy enjoy your family. Take it from one who knows all too well: the third one grows up FAST. Faster than the older two. Faster than you will even be able to believe. We’ll be here, Aidan, waiting to read your words. And we’ll understand if they come less frequently.
Like most of the others here, I say to take it one day at a time – you may have days where you desperately need the contact with other adults, and you may have days when you just need to cuddle and be still with your littles. And if you’re concerned about keeping a record of these days, but you don’t want to blog regularly, there’s always journals and pens. I bought a specific journal for each baby, and still write letters to them when I get the chance. I’ll probably give them their journals when they are ready to move out of the house. It gives me a chance to remember and to write, but doesn’t have the pressure (or publicity) of a blog. A nice compromise!
Well, I can assure you that regardless of what you choose (and you need to make the best decision for YOU), I will be right here when you get back!!
Being your own boss is an incredible challenge. Fortunately, challenges often lead to great rewards. You will make the right decision — so long as you make a decision and don’t simply “let things happen.”
I think you found your answer. One day at a time. You can’t predict how life will feel when Babe#3 is here. Only time will tell. And all will unfold exactly as it should. xo
I think everyone’s agreeing on 4… I’d say be really honest with yourself when you get IN the situation… and do what your heart and head want! With that said, we’d all love to hear your musings from this very special time… but NO pressure. You can always reflect back later and truly take the time off!
So funny because I have been brainstorming a post called “No Pressure” about the pressure we feel in navigating our days and the pressure we put on ourselves – as parents, as people, as artists. Someone important recently told me that there is “no pressure” and I smiled and chuckled because I don’t think I have gone a day in my life without imposing some kind of pressure on myself – to do something, to be something. I think it is just part of who I am, you know? But I get it. I genuinely do. I owe it to myself to wait and see how I feel once my girl is here.
One day at a time. Your family will evolve when Baby #3 arrives. See where life takes you.
I think you’ve come closer to what would make you more comfortable w/ the fourth option. We’re not going anywhere as readers. And I think you can manage to still post several times a week without this concern:
“But you know what makes me more sad, infinitely more sad? The thought of making an existentially blurry time even blurrier. The thought of missing something, a time, an experience, that I will never get back.”
Rachel’s blog to Max (http://deardearmaxine.com/) is a lovely way to capture those moments and preserve them, so you can just shift the focus of your writing…mention funny things or sayings from the big sisters. Then you have a record of these fleeting, precious moments. Put them in a photo/essay memory book later for all three girls. Or let the older sibs use a digital camera to capture images of the new one and each other. Post their blurry, funny, imperfect, precious shots. Bring them into the process and you won’t feel like you are cheating them or yourself by spending time on this.
But I think the trick as a parent, esp. a mother for some reason, is to maintain connections to others who stimulate interesting, intelligent conversation, to retain your sense of self, as a writer, a person, an individual independent of your partner and children. So, I would encourage you to take it as it comes, do what feels right and modify as needed—but do take care of Aidan’s heart, mind and body. Your girls will benefit from that.
namaste…
Thank you, TJ. I love Rachel’s blog and I do imagine that if I blog through these early days, many of my posts will capture the small moments, the conversations I have and want to have with my girls. I also think that I will crave stimulation and conversation and a creative outlet and the blog will provide just these things. The trick is finding some kind of balance. And I’m not sure I believe in balance. I trust that I will figure it out, but right now it feels kind of unsettling, you know?
When my third one was born, I rocked the blog for about two months. I was posting, and I was reading … because I was never sleeping. And checking blogs during the middle-of-the-night feeding(s) felt like a little desperately needed me-time. Then it all caught up with me, as it does, and I cut back to two posts a week. My Google reader crept into the triple digits. But my baby and I (really, my family and I) were happy.
That counted for a lot, though of course I missed blog-writing and blog-reading tremendously. Now that the baby’s nine months, I’m still searching for balance. But like everything else, there’s always more to do than there is time to do it in. Such is this wonderful life!
You’ll find your balance. You’ll do what needs doing. You’ll write what needs writing. And you’ll definitely get in lots of eyelash-gazing and big-sister tickling.
Such good questions, Aidan. I think about these every day, and my little one is now a year old. Writing is a wonderful escape and a means of recording history. Yet it sometimes pulls me away more than I’d like, because even if I am physically attending to my children, my mind continues to churn, to fixate on sentences and phrases and ideas that are constantly cropping up. I have decided that I need to balance my needs and those of my daughters, which means posting on a reasonable and flexible schedule. Some weeks I don’t post (like last week!) whereas other weeks I’ll do 2 or (rarely) 3.
I think blogging is hard because an audience is involved, and because we develop relationships with our readers. While I don’t want to lose ground or lose readers, I do have to put other things first and maintain some perspective.
I haven’t said anything here you don’t already know, but I do wish you lots of luck with the decision. And your readers, or at least this one, will patiently wait for you if you do take time off, and eagerly devour your words when you choose to share them here.
You know what? I’m going to be the voice of dissension—I’m going to say option 2. Take a week or two off completely to recuperate a bit, then only post something short once or twice a week. I don’t want you to miss out on vital time with your new little family, but (aside from the fact that I want to hear blurry-minded cute baby stories) I’ve always found it really hard to get back into a habit that I drop for a while, even if it was for a really, really good reason.
I hope you don’t feel pressure to always come up with something extraordinarily existential to post for us—while we enjoy it, we don’t need it—but it’d be nice for the readers to have a brief weekly update or a comment on this week’s episode of The Bachelor or a sweet sisterly story (so you don’t forget us and we keep remembering to check back—not all of us [meaning me] use RSS feeds). And having a bit of grown-up, stimulating thought/conversation for Mom really does help the happiness of the entire household.
What’s really sad is that the entire time I was reading the post, I was thinking, “Oh, take it a day at a time and see how you feel,” etc., until I actually read it at the end of the post. Then I was thinking, “Whoa, is once a week really that much? And WHAT IF SHE DOESNT COME BACK?! EEEK!” Which I know (probably) wouldn’t happen, but still.
Peyton – Thank you for this. I’ve been reading through these comments and reveling in the gorgeous support of my readers, but in the back of my mind I’ve been thinking: Surely, there must be some people out there who think I should not stop… If I do press pause for a while, I will most certainly be back. I love this place far too much to ditch it. That said, I think that throwing up a post here and there (if not regularly) will make it much easier to resume my consistent writing here. We will have to see. As I write this, I actually imagine that it is possible that I will feel even MORE creative and productive once the baby is here. Frankly, this is a distinct possibility as I really turned up the writing after the birth of each of my older daughters. Wouldn’t it be amusing if I went to posting twice a day after the wee one arrives?
PS – How is your little one??
Growing like a weed, jabbering my ear off any chance she gets, almost walking, digging in the dirt any time I turn my back. She’s 11 months old tomorrow (makes me want to cry)! And for the most part she’s been such an easy-going kid that I’m terrified of the next one—there’s no way I could get that lucky twice. But we’ve been having a blast!
I’m all for option number 4. Do what feels right, even if what feels right changes day by day.
What makes you happiest?
It’s not a trick question.
You. Happiest.
And keep remembering to breathe.
I think it’s about what you want. I sense in this post a concern about readers, disappointing people or having people think you’re ignoring your newbie.
I think you just post when you want to. That’s how I try to approach blogging in general, because for awhile I was a stickler for posting certain themes and certain times. And those posts…well, they weren’t my heart. I mean I’ve had posts that are surface, but they were still something I WANTED to write.
So I say write what you want, when you want. And enjoy the hell out of those blurry days.
Just don’t write anything out of obligation. Write what you need to write to make yourself happy. Personally, I would love to blog more regularly, but because I have a full-time corporate job, a child, and a work-in-progress (two, actually: a book and a baby), I limit my posts to once a week. It works well for me, and I know that I’ll be able to post more frequently sometime down the road.
Definitely the last option, do what you feel! We’ll be here for you
. Or you can just post a sweet picture and one-liner here or there to let us know you are alive when you don’t have time but still want to feel connected. The early months fly by and you don’t get them back, but your readers will be here for you! xoxo
Thanks, Jess! Time will tell, I guess
I hope that you find a way to blog even when #3 arrives. However, it is easy for me to give this advice and walk away. I believe you have some great, realistic options that you have laid out for yourself and once you find yourself immersed into your new reality, you will know what to do.
Those *should’s* are good for nothing. They just make you feel like you’re not measuring up. I read all the comments and I don’t have anything new to offer except, having had my last child over seven years ago, I am super excited for you whether you post or not. It’s fun, this blog world, being able to live somewhat vicariously through the lives of you all who are so willing to share. Would I ever have another – no way, but it’s still fun watching through your eyes. Enjoy.
If only I could eliminate all “shoulds” from my thinking. Life would be so vastly different. I have not yet decided what to do, but after writing this post and reading through these wonderfully thoughtful responses, I trust that I will come to the decision that is best for me. And all of us.
I will miss your words, but I think you should “press pause” (to use your wise words) for a bit. Take a couple weeks off and then come back. And when you do come back blog as time allows. Don’t make any plans because I’m sure baby #3 will have plans of her own.
Yes, I have the sneaking suspicion that the newest member of our fam will have plenty of plans of her own. I love the idea of the pause and respect it, but we will have to see. I am marginally addicted to this place I call ILI
My first reaction was to, of course, take some time off. And then I changed my mind, thinking of how much I would like to read about how your transition to a family of 5. So, selfishly, I want you to be here, regardless of how infrequently. But, not so selfishly, if I know you even just a little, I think you will enjoy coming here as a way to freeze the moments you will spend with her and forever capture the memories.
You will do what feels right for you and we will be here. Also, I can so relate to this act of rolling thoughts and questions around in your head endlessly, especially questions that are impossible to answer at the present time, until you are utterly exhausted. I hope writing this post helped.
Thanks for your honesty here, Celeste. This is a big part of my confusion – that I think it would be wonderful to document our evolution as a family. The thing is, the critical thing is, I do not want the documentation to in any way get in the way of my settling in and experiencing my new family. Indeed a considerable dilemma. And, yes, writing this post helped immensely.
I say do nothing now! By this I mean, just keep on doing what your doing at the moment and enjoy.
When number three arrives take it one step at a time, and do what whatever you feel like doing, and let your days be what they are. We don’t know how you will feel, or act when she arrives. Stop worrying, it will be fine whatever you choose.
Thank you, Angela. It would indeed be a miracle if I could stop worrying. I am a varsity worrier
Oh, “should” — it’s practically a four-letter (or six-letter? But that doesn’t have the same ring!) word to me. I’m often so caught up in what others expect or demand from me — what I should be doing to accommodate them and keep everyone else happy/satisfied — that I never think about what I actually want to do. And worse? What I “want” to do typically correlates directly to what I think everyone else wants.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I’m with you and so many other readers on option No. 4 — do whatever feels right for you! We’re not evil taskmasters keeping you on a schedule. And we’re not going anywhere. We’ll savor any posts and news you can send our way, whenever you can send them. Thinking of you!
I was curious how you would handle this too. I would love to know when the baby arrives, know that it’s happy and healthy and I think if you are able to post once or twice a week during the beginning adventure of your family of 5 it will be a wonderful memory for you and your family to look back on later…so do it for yourself before you feel like you should do it for others! Selfishly, you will be missed, but I’ll anxiously await your return!
I also have an issue with the word “should!” I use it too much on myself, and my younger sister and I’m trying to eliminate it from my vocab and find different ways to word things without it, but that’s much easier said than done.
I just reread this- totally meant “she’s healthy and happy…not it’s healthy and happy”
When she gets here, you’ll know what to do.
When my youngest was born I was on an everyday schedule. After his birth, I blogged when I needed to — meaning, when I needed to express myself or get support.
I returned to full-time writing five weeks after he was born, and while it was ideal for my career, I do regret losing that time to just “be” in that new phase, for what it’s worth.
Again, I think your heart, mind and body will show you the way. And we’ll all be here, whenever you are!