On Blogging & Being
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It’s been three weeks since the littlest Rowley arrived and I am feeling more and more like myself again. This is good. Very good. My energy is returning, my ideas are gaining momentum once more, and I am seeing things more clearly.
Thank goodness.
Over the weekend, when I was not feeding or chasing or changing teensy diapers, I was thinking. About many things, but about one thing in particular: blogging. And because this is my blog, this is obviously an appropriate place to examine said thoughts.
Should I be blogging?
Not an easy question. Part of me thinks that even though I am emerging from the twilight zone that is the first weeks of motherhood, I should refrain from regular posting. Why?
Because. Every moment I spend here tapping away on the keyboard is a moment that I am not spending staring at that tiny chest rise and fall under the little bow and polka-dots of that onesie that will only fit for so long, a moment when I am not playing games and drawing pictures with my big girls, a moment when I am not hacking away at my second novel, a moment I am not talking with Husband about life and Life, a moment I am not snagging the rest I so desperately need. Every moment I spend here is one I will not get back. This dilemma? It’s nothing new. I have long fretted about the manner in which I spend my time, about striking some breed of balance between my family self and my self self.
But there’s something else. A new concern. One that’s a bit harder to articulate. But I will try. I am worried that blogging does not only pull me from my life as far as time is concerned, but that it actually affects my life, how I live it, and see it. Last week is a good example. I posted twice about Dad’s birthday, about my sadness and sorrow and ache. I did this because it was relevant and real and I try to be both of those things here: relevant and real.
But then? Then I worried about appearances, how I might seem, or come across, to all of you. I worried, yet again, about what you think. I worried that I might have conveyed too much grayness for one week, that people might be concerned that I am not okay, that I am really struggling and down. And the truth? The truth is that I am fine, better than fine. Yes, life is busy and full and complicated at the moment. But I am doing well, feeling good and lucky for the bounty that is my Now.
The important thing is that I am okay and feeling good, right? It shouldn’t matter what my blog readers deduce from a blog post or two, right? Right.
But.
It’s never this simple. I hadn’t planned to post last Friday morning. I planned to have a lazy morning with my girls and Sister N who was visiting from Chicago with her daughter Cousin C. But suddenly I felt compelled to blog. To whip up a post about the Rowley rainbow, the happiness and humility I feel now, the joy of being immersed in a wonderful world of little girls. I love that post. It’s maybe one of my favorites.
But.
Why did I write it, that Friday post? Did I write it because I was simply moved to do so, because I wanted to remember this fleeting moment of fierce family love? Maybe. Or did I write it to convince you – and maybe myself – that despite some gloomy moments over the past week or so, I am indeed alright, far better than alright? Hmmm…
So. I am here. Today. Wondering about something. Something important, I think. Does blogging detract from being? By concerning ourselves with communicating how we are doing, are we not allowing ourselves to simply live, to simply be?
I ask this, these questions, because if ever there is a time for me to just be, to soak up the moments, to ride life as it ripples, this is it.
So. I am here. Today. Wondering about something. Something important, I know. Does blogging perhaps enhance being? By concerning ourselves with communicating how we are doing, and the magic and muddiness of our moments, are we in fact more deeply revering these moments and inking them more indelibly in our minds?
I ask this, these questions, because if ever there is a time for me to celebrate and consecrate and memorize my moments, my magic, my muddiness, it is now, during this passing and priceless time, this time that will soon grow blurry and vague. I want to remember this.
Alas. Instead of pondering these questions, these big questions, in my own head and in my own world, here I am blogging about them. Am I lost cause?
Once we become bloggers, can we ever go back to just being?
Maybe not.
(Is this alarming? Or is this perhaps amazing?)
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Do you think that recording moments for the masses detracts from those moments? Do you think bloggers – consciously or unconsciously – write certain things so as to portray their lives in certain ways, to convince readers of certain things? Do you think that blogging detracts from, or enhances, being? Once a blogger, can we ever go back to being just a be-er?
blogging retracts and enhances, depending on how clear my boundaries are. only you can answer that, and maybe it is a season to step back.
we definitely write to convey certain things, crafting versions of truth, telling parts of stories. readers would do well to remember that–that a post is just a glimpse, not the whole Truth but an edited one.
haven’t been here in a few weeks–off to catch up:)
great post! of course bloggers are as individual as the humans themselves, each putting ‘out there’ what feels right to them according to their filters and comfort levels… for me, blogging allows to me often explore deeper feelings – or to relay what is behind something i have made manifest… while i do keep a visual journal, blogging allows me to spot moments of special in my life… ones that i might miss were i not being so mindful (now, should one be mindful regardless of whether or not they blog? of course they should)… maybe i look at is as a way to chart growth, to share with friends… especially with my work i get to have ‘mom, look what i made!’ moments with people i respect…
life is bittersweet and posts will reflect that…
oh, and congratulations! so glad that you are both well!
For some, blogging is the modern version of leaning over the fence and chewing the fat with a good neighbor.
Of course your world is centered around your family – as it should be, but doesn’t mom (and dad and siblings), need a modicum of distraction to engage the other portions of their mind?
I believe that you enjoy writing and this is a healthy exercise in your craft from time to time. Does it distract from being? ‘Back in the day’ didn’t a family here and there record each and every moment in scrapbooks, a diary and 8mm film? This is just our way of recording our life. Much bigger audience, but nonetheless, but a recording of how we feel and acted during a special moment.
Maybe this is a cop out, but I think the answer is “both.” It depends on the person and the circumstance as to which case is true. Blogging can help us watch our lives more acutely because we’re looking for poignancy. But it can also cause us to step away from living our lives (divorcing ourselves from them, in a way) because we’re focused more on a future post than on a present moment.
As for your conundrum, you’ll have to decide for yourself which case is more often true for you. I’ve found both to be true for me, from time to time. When posts come easily, they don’t take that much time away from my life (of course I only post three days/week). They usually start eating up a lot of my time and focus on the real world when I’m struggling to find topics, which means it’s time to take a break.
I can’t say that I think blogging takes a ton of time out of my life but that is because I do it so rarely. If I see something that made me laugh or think I talk about it. I do think in a way it is a living thing. It shows me how I have changed in much the same way a diary would.
Blogging is theraputic to me. If I want to say something I can and I don’t have to hold it in. Where as in real life I hold everything in.
I don’t think you are taking away from your children. I think you are getting much needed adult conversation.
Blogging is a once-a-week thing for me these days, so I don’t worry so much about how much time I put into it. I certainly don’t think that capturing life in a blog takes anything away from that life (conceptually; time spent writing is another thing). It often makes me more reflective and appreciative, and I definitely gain important insights from my readers!
I think about this a lot. The TIME I spend blogging and reading other blogs and commenting on other blogs. Is that detracting from real life? Should I be spending that time talking to my husband, or reading more books to the baby, or organizing the baby clothes I have piled up?
And then, there’s the whole caring what others think. Esp since I’ve joined Twitter, sometimes I go back to high school where I feel I’m not cool enough to be among the type of talented and cliquey people I find there. There’s a society I came into too late, or came in too underqualified. And I never feel I belong. Some days I take that to heart, and then get upset. Because they are strangers. Because they are in many ways nobody to me in my real life, and yet they are somebody to me because they don’t like me or because they ignore me.
I think a lot about stopping my blog but it makes me anxious because where would I write?!
Writers write. It is more than what we do; it is who we are. Some of us, more than others.
But if we don’t live our lives, we won’t be good writers.
Perhaps it is the public and interactive element of writing online that has an addictive quality. That extra “juice” that some need more than others. I believe it has many aspects and they vary – narcissism plays into it for some (but not all); a reaching beyond our own world (a safety net, an adventure, a life line) plays a critical role for others.
Community.
We each have our reasons; they’re not bad or good. But I believe we need to re-examine them, and adjust accordingly, as “real life” refashions itself around us.
There’s nothing wrong with blogging for balance – or for any reason – if it doesn’t replace living.
amen.
What Wolfie said. She cuts it to the core.
In my opinion, stop thinking so much and just live. Blog for yourself. As soon as you start to think about your audience, you start to edit your thoughts and your words. Just be You.
What a timely post – for me! I have been more absent from your blog than I’ve liked. LIke you, I’ve been wrestling with life’s pleasures/pressures and struggling with to blog or not to blog. But then (like today) I get inspired to write it all down and share with the very best of my blogging buddies.
So, I’d have to say no. Once a blogger, always a blogger. Even if we never get it down and send it to the blogosphere. I think blogging changes us and our perspective, thus our very essence. And that’s a very, very good thing!
I get what you mean about missing that “now moment”. It’s like when I’m taking photographs at a show or something. There’s always a moment when I say “Am I really enjoying this for what it is becauseI’m trying to capture it on film?”, and then when I look back at my work, I say yes. I enjoyed it and I’m enjoying having this tangible thing that reminds me everyday and for years to come. I think writing about what you are feeling is a positive thing. To having something that allows you to express yourself is healthy. Having a beautiful family is the most amazing feeling, but one can only appreciate to the fullest that feeling when they take time for themselves. That’s just my thought. Only you can truly know what’s right for you. You may not know today or tomorrow or months from now, but the good thing is you don’t need to anyways.
I love your blog and it’s inspiring to me, but do it for you! Oh and I love that you show you have dark days and happy days. It shows that your real.
PS. Thanks again for sharing.
A friend of mine is a PhD in Political Philosophy and a professor at Pepperdine. He just wrote a similar post on his site, Life Beyond Logic:
http://lifebeyondlogic.com/experiment/overcoming-facebook-fatigue/
I think it’s important to ask the question about whether blogging, Facebook, and Twitter subtract from the quality of true living. I think, though, as my friend’s site posits, simply bringing your conscious awareness to it can mollify the extent to which it detracts.
For the record, I love your posts about your father.
And there will be many more baby naps by which to be hypnotized. One day, she will be glad to read what you were feeling during these first few weeks of her life.
I think it’s good to blog as an outlet. Does it distract us -probably sometimes. But blogging is also a way to be creative and to communicate with others which is a source of happiness. I think that you should write when you feel inspired. I assume that it would be hard for you to walk away and not blog. You have so many people that love your words
Are you asking if blogging is a sort of addiction? And, like a nice cabernet that is enjoyed regularly I’d say “That depends.”
Does it clog when you blog or replenish? Does it fill or make an area of life feel the chill of your empty presence?
For me I answer both at a variety of times. I’ve written blog posts to get approval. I’ve written blog posts purely to please my senses. But the practice of noticing the two flavors helps me live more mindfully. So I’m pretty quick to forgive the one and celebrate the other.
I hope you are gentle with yourself. You are still in what was a hyper fragile time in my life. Babies arrived out of the inside of me. I felt literally inside out. It took me a long time to come back into my own skin. I kept fighting for that skin because I worried it wouldn’t return. It was the fight that so exhausted me. Liminal moments. You’ve written about these. So I know you understand. I found breathing helped me. I’m trying to send some of mine out my window destined for NYC.
hoooo doggy!
I’ve been trying to answer these questions for myself, about me and why and about my life and why…infinity, for 4.5 years now. I still don’t know. And I think that might be the answer. I’m not going to know for sure and maybe it’s okay to just surrender to that. Because I do learn as I go, during the not knowing. I have to stop myself a lot and say NO, when my head starts spinning with all of these questions, because when I do it, most of the time, I’m taking myself (and blogging) too seriously.
This is all sounds like “WHO CARES” and that’s not at all how I mean it. I just mean it in an acceptance sort of way. Right now, I’m not stopping. I know in my gut that there’s not a real reason I can point to that shouts STOP. So I try to just allow myself this…these moments when I’m struck with the thought to write something out, some beautiful or hard moment, to pull together the power of words and release it to the void…the not-so-empty void. There’s so much going on in that void–so much grace and understanding and lifting each other up. So I say to me, “this is good.” That’s what I know for now…this is good.
I write because I can’t not write. Writing is a huge part of who I am and what I am. I’d sooner cut off a limb than not write.
To me it is a question of balancing our time.
I think you hit the nail on the head, when expressed that you wanted to be relevant and real – that is exactly what you are being. However, relevant and real changes with every passing moment.
Keep on doing just what makes life, relevant and real to you.