A Little Time
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(I spent a lot of time thinking about, and writing, this post. The effort doesn’t show; It’s a bit all over the place. When I finished, I read it over and decided not to publish it. I felt that it made me sound weak, mushy, neurotic, insecure, self-indulgent. But then. I decided to publish. After all, this is me at this (murky and magical) moment in time.)
Today is my half birthday. I am officially 32.5. So what, right? Right. Wait. Maybe not.
This is the first time in ages that I have actually remembered my half birthday on my half birthday. Usually, most of April flies by and I note to myself, Oh, I missed my half birthday again. But this year, I’m aware. And this is good, I imagine. Maybe it has something to do with the state I’m in, this postnatal haze, this freeze frame of new life. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that deep down I’m lamenting getting older so I’m more cognizant of milestones big and small and each day that slips away.
I’m not sure.
What amazes me and alarms me is that my real birthday seems like yesterday. And I know that is beyond cliched to say, but I’ll say it again: It feels like yesterday. Some of you might remember, but on my 32nd birthday, I had a big ultrasound whereby we learned the sex of our baby. Our baby, our girl, who is now here, healthy, happy, home. She was four weeks old yesterday and before bed, I placed her on our sea green couch and snapped some pictures. Of her snoozing in that silly Yale nightgown that her big sisters both wore when they too were itty-bitty. I snapped pictures because I didn’t know what else to do. How else do we record our moments, our magic? How else do we stop time and mark our memories?
So. Today on my half birthday, on the day after my littlest girl’s four week birthday, I am thinking about time. How it travels and tortures and tricks and tames. How it is a constant and brutal reminder of how little control we have, and how much love we feel. I love time – its ephemeral pulse, its transcendence, its beauty. But I also hate it – its rabid indifference, its stubborn march, its cruel passage.
I realize something now. In this moment, on this morning, on this day. I need time. A little time. I need to stop, to surrender, to sit back, to soak. So much is happening and so fast and I need to immerse myself in it all. My girls need me and I need them and we all need each other. Life is changing and change is life. Exquisite things and terrible things have happened recently – to me and to others and in the world and I want to pause and think about these things, these things that matter. I want to roll them over in my tired mind, and then roll them over some more.
What does all this mean? What really underlies this ramble? I don’t entirely know. Sometimes, my words are cryptic even to me. What I do know is that my instincts led me to write this post. To explain, albeit inarticulately, that I need something. A mini-break. A major breath. A little time.
I’m not sure what a little time means. It could mean a few days. Or weeks. It could mean a month. Or several.
I’m not sure what a little time means. It could mean I post just pictures. Or tiny little paragraphs. Or big, searching questions. Or nothing at all.
I’m not sure. I don’t know.
What I do know is that during this time, however long it is and whatever it looks like, I will be busy. Memorizing the mythology of three little girls. Thinking about how the world can be so glorious and grim at the very same time. Talking to friends whom I love and miss. Visiting your lovely blogs once more. Watching a lot of trashy reality television. Brainstorming fictional worlds. Losing pounds. Gaining strength. Asking questions – big and small and medium – aloud, in my mind, in my dreams. Sleeping when I can.
Living.
Why this post? To seek permission. From you. From me. (Mostly from me.)
Permission to take a little time.
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Do I have your permission to pause? Is there something wrong with the fact that I need your permission to pause? Why is it so so hard, almost impossible, for me to give myself a break even when I have just had a baby? Do you also have a difficult time slowing down? How do you feel about time and how ruthlessly and rapidly it passes?
But of course you have permission.
I remember when I had our daughter, my neighbor and I were outside talking and she said, “This is the only time in your life when the world comes close to stopping.” The more I thought about it, the more I realized she was right. I lost track of most current events, work, friends, etc. but it was okay. I am actually really looking forward to that part of having our second baby in a few short weeks.
Alecia –
Thank you for reminding me that what I am experiencing is in some important sense universal. I, too, have been through this before, this hazy and happy post-birth phase, this blurry set of moments. The difference this third time around, I think, is that I am finally doing something I really love – writing – and it is very difficult for me to step away from the writing. The ideas keep popping up and I am anxious about not recording them immediately. I feel immensely drawn to scribble down everything but I am also growing more and more aware of the fact that in so doing – in trying to memorialize every moment – I am taking myself away from this incomparable and priceless time.
Another thing. Something I didn’t mention above and maybe should have. This blogging thing? It doesn’t feel good – or right – when I am not also reading and commenting on the blogs (like yours) that I so love. It feels a bit empty, actually. Also, it makes sense that when I am not commenting, the comments are fewer in number here, but this also affects me. (Even though it shouldn’t, it really shouldn’t.) I guess that this is a bit of a fragile time and my skin is a bit thin or porous (as my beloved Lindsay from A Design So Vast would say…).
All of these things point me to the fact that I do need a little time, a little space, a little something.
Again, thank you for your very timely and very true words today.
So exciting that you will be going through all this so so soon!
xo
I had a week of – not quite panic, nothing so drastic, but mourning, I guess would be the better word, right after my twenty-ninth birthday. So close to thirty, and yet I feel like I have done nothing with my life. I know – intellectually – that’s not true, but because my life looks so different now form how I imagined it would look when I was younger, it required a bit of a wrench for me to let go of those childhood plans, and to accept that this life, right now, is good, even if it’s not how I imagined.
Time’s march is a scary thing, even when you think you’re prepared for it. And I think it gets harder to pause the older we get, because we sense that our time is becoming more limited, and we don’t want to waste any of it. Yet if we just rush through without enjoying our life, what’s the point of that? A hard balance to find, indeed.
Aidan,
I think this is a wonderful time in your life, but it’s also time to reflect. It’s a time that you will question things and yet some answers will be so simple and you will just know. I think that your moments of “now” are important to absorb and soak in. As I have said before it all goes by so fast. I have a feeling that you will also miss posting a little, so when you do feel like it-we will be happy that you share a photo or your thoughts and if you don’t we will be here when you are ready.
Enjoy your precious girls and your sweet husband
At certain points, even if our lives are filled with wonderful things, they are overfilled. And we have to make choices, exactly because we haven’t enough time for all of it.
And yes, time disappears quickly. It’s a blur of babies, and a blur in other years for other reasons as well.
There are moments when we have to say STOP to certain things, so the others don’t disappear entirely into the blur.
You have so much good stuff in your life – you know that. Take whatever time you need to really taste how sweet it is, in whatever way you can.
And happy half-birthday!
no good at slowing down, after my daughter was born i had to sink into a complete and all-encompassing retreat. no news or newspapers, only mindless television, very little time on the computer (mostly to skype with far off friends and relatives, to perform introductions) and phone calls restricted to my mom and our pediatrician. the days felt laden and slippery at once. i felt completely at the mercy of time, or hormones, of my body.
and then one day that all shifted. i craved motion and engagement, i wanted to stretch out and explore this new mama-self in different terrain. and when this happened, i felt completely ok with the shift, felt like i’d honored myself and my daughter and my husband and trusted that i would continue to do so under new patterns.
you have permission to pause, aidan. now, later, whenever the desire or need strikes. you are in an intensely and beautifully instinctive space. we are here now, later, whenever. trust your gut. “normalcy” will reappear before you know it.
Nothing demonstrates the quietly determined marching forward of time like the daily changes of an infant. My Middlest, now 7.5, held in my arms for the morning nursing session looked up at me and I was nearly paralyzed by a fear I would miss something in my babies’ lives if I didn’t slow things down a bit. That led to many changes in my life, but sadly, time continues to march along just as quickly.
But at night, when they softly snore under their blankets and I pull them close for a snuggle, they are still my babies.
Thank you for writing what is in all our hearts…
Aidan,
Go watch this video on my blog.
It is short and it is about the moments that make up our lives. Moments is all we have. Some of them are knit together in a special and unique way and others are stand on their own.
Just remember that it is always right to take time to appreciate them.
A.-I think you would be doing yourself a terrible disservice not to do so. You more than anyone knows how to truly live your life through the best lens possible (your own eyes); experiencing every breath, sigh, step, tear, scream, sneeze, and soaking up every bit of laughter along the way.
You have allowed us (your readers) an open window into the esoteric world that you so cherish. Take time; take days, months, even years because you deserve it. It is hard to believe that you have accomplished so much at such a young age. As a reader of yours for the past few months I have drawn strength from your scribings and speaking from someone who has a few years left in his academic endeavors-plus a residency & fellowship I hope to be as successful in my various endeavors as you have been in your short life thus far.
Here is something that has always pulled me through the difficult moments. I hope it bring you strength and hope as well:
Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark in the hopeless swaps of the not-quite, the not-yet, and the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved and have never been able to reach. The world you desire can be won. It exists.. it is real.. it is possible.. it’s yours.” A.R.
“How it travels and tortures and tricks and tames. How it is a constant and brutal reminder of how little control we have, and how much love we feel. I love time – its ephemeral pulse, its transcendence, its beauty. But I also hate it – its rabid indifference, its stubborn march, its cruel passage.” I think this is the best description of time I’ve read.
Take your pause- you need it. Enjoy these moments to the fullest, enjoy your family…enjoy being you.
Best of luck
Stay in touch, I will e-mail now and again. You can always re-post the really good ones.
Always in my heart.
Bumby
“Time is the coin of your life. It is the only coin you have, and only you can determine how it will be spent.” Carl Sandburg
I really believe in these words. Take time to relish what is in front of you and enjoy it. Without regrets.
We will be here when you are ready to return.
xoxo
First let me apologize for being MIA! I have been traveling with husband for his work and the internet at the hotel where we stay is horrendous! I have soooo missed reading your blog! I need to catch up!
You take all the time in the world that you need! We will be here when you return! I want you to soak in this moment so that you can remember everything about all of these little moments when the girls are grown. Your words speak very true to my heart right now. I have 13 more weeks to go until *hopefully* baby arrives. A part of me wants time to speed up because I am desperate to meet my little boy. Another part of me wants time to slow down because I want to enjoy this time in my life. This may be the only baby that we have and I want to remember it all! So I am torn between life speeding up and slowing down……
Do what you need to do to make yourself happy…!!!
I don’t know if you’re really asking for permission. I think you’re being honest and I think you’re heart is telling you what to do.
I hear you, and urge you to *take time* in whatever form that looks like! I feel like my life these days is a constant battle with time…. trying to push it forward when I’ve had a hectic and harried and stressed day and just need an extra set of hands in the form of my husband, but wishing it stopped moving altogether when I catch my breath about how different my kids looked in photos from just a few short months ago.
Of course, my baby girl was actually born on my half-birthday last year (which I also didn’t realize, until my brother jokingly pointed it out.) So I’m sure this issue– the peculiarities of the perception of time– will not be going away anytime soon for me!
I think it’s great that you’re following your instincts, and allowing yourself to waiver. Maybe it’s an ongoing process of deciding to pause, and deciding how long that pause should be. I really like the line about the world being glorious and grim. And both deserve our attention. Here’s to a peaceful pause, no matter how long it lasts or what form it takes!
Of course you can pause and you don’t need to ask permission… at leat not from us.
With my eldest son about to leave for college in less than three months I’ve been been pausing to reflect a lot. As I look back at the past 17.5 years, I realize that raising children is a nonstop adventure. I savored and now treasure every moment but rarely had time to stop and breathe.
Now looking forward I’m not sure what I’m going to do with myself when the noise and confusion in our house is cut in half.
What I’m trying to say is that go at your own pace, enjoy, and savor. Follow your instincts. There are no set rules to life. You and your girls will be just fine.
PS – LOVE the argyle!
Permission to recharge is never required, it’s the days I take off from work when I just need a ‘me’ day. Sometimes we just need that time. Time just to run on two speeds – slow and stop!
You pause for as long as it takes to press the relax button, enjoy and focus on the changes in your life.
I have been impressed with your blog presence lately. It’s much more than I imagined would be possible. Enjoy the three little girls and your time with them.
I think parents who relish time with their children and let the world drop away are what we need more of. Post when and what you want. I love to hear about the love you have for your three precious girls.
I blog too, and I marvel at the people like you who manage to come up with something interesting to say every day. I feel I’m doing alright if I manage at least once per week, twice is better. There is no magic formula- slow down, post only short bites or photos, stop completely for whatever time you feel is necessary. You’ll have plenty of well wishes whenever it’s right for you to return.
Only you can decide what the right balance between writing/blogging and family time is, so do whatever feels right. We can’t control the passage of time, all we can do is to choose to use it in productive, meaningful ways, so choose whatever your heart tells you is the most meaningful right now.
First, I want to say, happy, happy half birthday! I’m so glad to have found a kindred spririt!
I love the permission and the advice you’ve already received here. I especially love what Marie had to say about needing more “parents who relish time with their children and let the world drop away.” I agree. But there is a little part of me that is sad that you may not be writing more regularly, just as I’m seeming to find my way back into Blog World. I’ve been living a scattered existence here, of late, because my life has been full and crazy. I know, all too well, of which you speak. Take your time. Take time for you and for your family. And share here, when you can. The bottom line – you must do what is best for you!
Enjoy your time with your family. I and many others I am sure will come back to your blog day after day to read your old post till you come back.
Don’t let a minute of your life pass you by.
Hi Aidan,
I don’t have a blog and I don’t really read others’ blogs (with a full-time job and 3 little girls, it’s a wonder everyone is clean and dressed most days
But I do read your blog – every day – and like others have said, your words speak to me and express what is often in my heart. So you will be missed, but I completely understand your need to slow down and focus on your babes. Time marches forward… stop to smell the purple flowers…
Oh, I adore the humaness of this post and you–for being so openly, honestly you. “Memorizing the mythology of three little girls.” Love this line.
And as for feeling the pulls of other’s opinions, seeking other’s advice? I so get that. I get it so much. And I’ll give you the advice I try (sometimes successfully) to give myself:
be still.
be patient.
listen.
xoxo
I love this post. It describes exactly how I feel about my life. Sometimes I jokingly tell my boyfriend that what I really need is a vacation from my own life. And he will laugh at me and ask me what I really need, right now. But honestly, I think that is what I really need, to step away for a few moments (although I picture those moments being more like days, weeks, months …) to just be with myself. But how do you escape your life? How do you step away from things that in so many ways define you? You are so lucky to have your three little girls to guide you, to love you, to love you. I worry about admitting that I need time off, that I want time off. But maybe it is not such a bad idea. Maybe the world would just be better if we built time off into our schedules.
I give you permission to do whatever you need to do (not that you need my permission!). I have been away from your writing for too long and I will miss your posts, but I know that your words will return when you are ready.
Pause and relish these moments. They will be over too soon. You’ll blink and the next thing you know, you’re taking your sweet baby on college visits.
Relish these moments.
I don’t have a half birthday…my birthday is Dec 31, so my half birthday would be June 31, but June only has 30 days. I’ve been robbed.
I remember those early hazy days of my daughter’s life…they were amazing and wonderful and exhausting, and I remember so much, and I’ve forgotten even more…but I do know that I was there, 100% there, and I’m glad for that.
I know I’m dating myself here (I’m 45, full disclosure), but there’s a song by the prog rock band RUSH that comes to mind at times like these, Time Stand Still…(with help from Aimee Mann from ‘Til Tuesday)
And regarding blogging, do what you gotta do. Yes, comments fall when you don’t comment on other blogs. But they’ll likely pick up again when you’re ready to go full force again.
Take all the time you need and do whatever you want. I think that blogs should be an outlet, not a burden. Write about whatever the heck you want, post pics, you name it. I hope you are getting some rest!
You don’t need permission and we will all be here waiting whenever it is right for you to return…not because you feel like you “should” but because you want to. In the meantime I am enjoying reading through old blog posts of yours that you wrote before I became a reader– so I am still feeling your presence!
Congrats on your sweet baby and enjoy these moments with your little girls!
You do what you got to do, Mama. We’ll be here.
Time is a gift because it asks me to attend. To choose. The choice feels awful until I’ve made it, then…bliss at the liberation.