Losing It
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Don’t worry. I’m not losing my mind. (Well, maybe a little.)
I’m losing pounds. That’s the plan at least.
As of yesterday, I am six weeks out from welcoming our tiniest girl (a tiny girl who still needs to be given a proper blog name!). And I’ve lost more than 2/3 of the weight I gained over the course of my pregnancy. And I know that is pretty good, right? Maybe even better than pretty good? Then why am I so obsessed with dropping the final pounds? Why can’t I just relax and say, Ah, they will come off in time. It took nine months to gain the weight and I should give myself nine months (or at least three!) to lose it?
I don’t know. I don’t know why I am not embracing the laissez faire approach to postpartum weight loss. Probably because I don’t really take this approach to anything in life. Probably because I have a pattern of being exceedingly hard on myself and a major control freak. Probably because I am wildly wrapped up in appearances, and affirmation. It’s probably all of these things. There’s likely more to it, too.
Here’s the weird thing. For the first 27 years of my life, I never weighed myself. Even when I was in nutsy pre-wedding mode, I never stepped on a scale. Never. It was not until I learned that I was pregnant with Toddler (again, she needs a new blog name!) that I got into the habit of weighing myself every day. I think I was fearful that I would gain a million pounds and didn’t want that to happen, so I made sure it didn’t. Like this pregnancy, with each of my first two pregnancies, I gained within the recommended range. And then? I shed the pounds pretty quickly because parenthood is really the best cardio exercise ever and also because I was a bit crazy like I am being now.
So. Here I am. In a familiar spot. Heavier than I want to be. Thinking a bit too much about the extra pounds I’m carrying around, that frankly I should be carrying around a mere six weeks after the fact.
And so. Instead of whining about them, those pesky pounds – in addition to whining about them – I’m doing something about them.
As of this week, I’m eating differently. I refuse to use the D word, to even write it here, because I do not believe in the word and (much more importantly) I do not want my girls to know that word. So. Instead I speak very vaguely of wellness and health around them, but here I can be a bit more specific. For the next little bit of time, I am having healthy (and very small. wah.) prepared meals delivered to me. The program is actually specifically for nursing moms so I will be getting adequate calories and nutrition to nourish the wee one. (I do not want to publish the name of the program here until I know whether or not I like it.)
You know what? Writing this post, just writing it, feels a bit eh. I feel a bit embarrassed and ashamed that I am writing about something that is admittedly so much more superficial than other things I could write about – my sweet smiling girls, the arrival of spring, the new characters I’m putting to the page. And so I worry a bit – that if writing this post makes me feel a bit uncomfortable, reading it might have an equally eh effect on you. And it might. I’ll take that risk.
This post? It’s silly. It’s superficial. It’s shallow. But it’s also honest. Maybe too honest. But it’s where I am. And where I am is home and happy and harried, surrounded by impossible love and brilliant life and yummy little ones. But where I am is also in this head, and this body, this different and amazing body I know I should perhaps honor a bit more than I do. For what it has done and what it is doing. For what it has been through.
For what it has brought us.
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- Do you think it’s crazy or understandable that I am so intent on getting my body back so fast?
- Do you think my approach to postpartum weight loss is just an extension of my perfectionist approach to self and life?
- Do you think I am a victim somehow of cruel societal expectations of women, of mothers?
- Are you careful about what you say about body and weight around your children?
- When it comes to your body and your own appearance, are you forgiving or exacting?
- Speaking of forgiveness, will you forgive me for this decidedly non-profound (and potentially annoying) post?
Don’t apologize about this. How we feel about our body affects how we feel in general. Interested in what you said about parenthood being “the best cardio ever.” I think some feel parenthood is a nightmare for their weight. Hope you enjoy the meal delivery. I enjoy your posts even the ones you think are “shallow”. What does that say about me?
Eh :p Keeping healthy, saving on having to buy a new wardrobe for yourself so you can dote on the three little princesses’ one, and yes so much yes to outsourcing the cooking
Perfectionist? Yes, so what? You actually come off as reasonable, not overperfectionist.
I never cared much about what the scale told me, but then again it always gave me a nice number. I always did care about flab and such here and there making strange rolls in my clothes
And the health aspect. I eat horribly, not enough veggies, and too much carbs, but I’m not the one who does the shopping 
truthfully? when I saw the title my heart dropped a bit and i was saddened… sad because with a newborn and 2 littles you were already dissatisfied with yourself … admittedly sleep deprivation and the demands of children can be exhausting… be kind to yourself, loving not just to your family and friends but to YOU! I believe strongly in the intelligence of nature and evolution… as a nursing species there is a reason fir the weight that extends past pregnancy… you are doing great! nursing groups advise that it will take a year to lose it all… i do think our culture fails women in its expectations of physical appearance… i was an anorexic 14 yr. old… truly it is your body/your decision… as you said, that amazing vessel did a superlative job in growing 3 babies… go for walks… enjoy spring and your growing family…
I was on more of a kick the second time around to lose the weight – between sleeplessness, stress (she had colic!), and nursing, I dropped so fast with the first. My friends who’ve had more than two say it takes months longer with each successive baby to lose the weight! For me, it was more about wanting to feel like *me* again, rather than wanting to look a certain way. Pregnancy always made me so miserable, and getting back to my pre-pregnancy weight was another way of telling myself “Yes, I’m done with this stage and can move on to the next.”
Having said all that, I do really think our society does put pressure on women in general, but especially mothers. How many articles do we see about celebrity moms and how they dropped the baby weight so quickly? I think our culture stinks at giving proper respect to mothers, and to children, preferring only to see the cute side and none of the other realities. The post-baby weight? One of those realities many would like to ignore, instead of honoring it as a sign that the woman has just brought new life into the world. Maybe we should really be celebrating our baby weight!
I think you are perfectly fine to feel this way! Hell I haven’t had children and I feel this way. Do what you have to do to make yourself feel good and be happy. I’m pretty sure everyone will love you just the same.
Oh my goodness! I’m due at the end of May, and I’ve been thinking that it would be great if I could lose all of the weight by the holidays!
That said, it’s perfectly normal to WANT to lose it faster!
In a sense I feel some of Mary Jane’s sentiments. You have so much to be proud of, and yet you’re finding faults in yourself. I wish you could find some of the same acceptance for yourself that you do for everyone eolse. Nevertheless, I know that I was the same way after my son was born.
I’ve known women who put on lots of baby weight and the longer they kept it on postpartum the harder it was to lose. With that in mind, I certainly understand the desire to shed the pounds now while you’re motivated by fresh memories of last year’s book-release bod. And it sounds like you’re taking a sensible approach that will move you toward your goal and still provide you all that you need to nourish the baby. So I wish you luck and am happy for you that you’re taking control of something you don’t like and making changes to fix it.
But just remember, even if you quit losing weight right now, you’re already 5 pounds lighter than you were pre-Toddler! (That’s based on very sophisticated math from the Cardio Parenting post…)
To be honest, this post hits home with me. One of my biggest fears about becoming pregnant is the baby weight. Yes, of all the things I could worry about, I’m worried about baby weight. I work hard – I’m an avid runner and practice pilates quite regularly. However, despite this, I’m still worried about getting the weight off after I have a little bambino. I feel so superficial that I rarely talk about this, but it’s a thought that hides deep in the back of my mind. So, thank you for posting this because you made me realize I’m not alone.
I have to agree with everything Kristen said. No kids for me yet but one of my biggest fears about being pregnant is gaining weight and not being able to lose it. It’s nice to know other people both with and without kids feel the same way.
Kristen and AG – If you are worried about the weight now, you’ll be fine. If it’s something that you care about going into a pregnancy, then you’ll be conscientious about achieving steady and moderate weight gain throughout the pregnancy. And you’ll be thoughtful about your diet and exercise routine after delivery. I suspect it won’t be as hard as you’re expecting.
I’ve had two kids. With each pregnancy I was worried about the weight gain. It’s intimidating to get pregnant because there are some things that are out of your control, and it’s all new. There are also things you can control like taking the best care of yourself and your little one. For me, that meant continuing to exercise and eat well for me and my babies. After having each of my children, I continued with the same approach to life – take care of myself by exercising and eating well. I think this helps me be a better mother and (hopefully) set a good example for my kids. It’s possible to get back to your normal.
I think it’s ok to be nervous about gaining weight. It’s a real change. But, I can honestly say, my children have made me a better person. Little ones teach so much more than you can even begin to imagine, more than I can imagine sometimes.
This is how women feel. We can be happy and fulfilled and have a lot going on but we want to feel good about ourselves in our clothes. Don’t apologize for being honest. It by no means takes away from all the great stuff you have going on. I hope you like the food.
It’s never the body size, it’s never the money. It’s the meaning we give to them–
what we are convinced they express about our deepest vulnerabilities and fears–
that determines the quality of our lives—Geenen Roth said that– not me.
I wish I said that. I believe it. But then again, I have not lost the baby weight. My baby is 19 years old, and I still go up and down the scale.
I applaud you for honestly saying what many women fear about not taking care of ourselves, our bodies and our weight.
Still, I intend to “lose it ” in a Type B kind of way, again, this year. But not tonight…it is the the first night of seder.
I agree with Mary Jane and with Gale. Don’t be so hard on yourself, you have a lot to be proud of. Xo.
I appreciate honesty in all forms, and it’s a major aspect I love about ILI and you! Youaim to be just who you are here, without always “prettying it up.” And that I super appreciate.
I’m going to pipe in and say, go ahead, be hard on yourself! Mostly, because I don’t see it that way. Actually I see two things.
1. You are now completely and totally not in control of so many thing because you are a mother to three and I expect that much of your careful planning in all departments has a tendency to go out the window. Controlling what you eat may well be the only thing you can control.
2. You’ve always been trim and athletic. Having extra weight around, even beautiful motherly wonderful miracle of life weight, is probably just plain weird. Not oh-dear-god-I’m-horribly-hideous-stop-looking-at-my-freakishness weird, but hey-this-isn’t-the-way-I-look weird.
I don’t think it’s superficial, nor do I think it’s an abandonment of good clean feminist principles. It’s taking control of your body back from the wonderful, but definition-of-traumatic, event it just witnessed. Which shouldn’t cast aspersions on you, your love for your new daughter, or your suitability as a role model to your older girls.
But it’ll get way easier in a couple of weeks (several weeks) since summer fruit will be here!
Hi Aidan, this is my first time commenting here, but I just wanted to lend my support for this post. I’ve been working on losing weight, too – in fact, I’ve lost 16 pounds since I saw you last summer! The thing is, I’d put on that weight over about two years when I was really stressed out and unhappy, and it was like I was still carrying all of that around with me (more specifically, around my middle, LOL.) Even though I feel like it was “shallow,” deep down I knew I wouldn’t be happy again until I lost that weight. Now I feel like my normal self.
So don’t feel bad about writing this post… I think it’s completely understandable. Even though it’s important for women and girls to have a healthy body image, I personally also think that women should be able to talk about appearance without worrying about being judged for sounding “superficial.”
i FEEL you, aidan.
and you know what? with things like this–things where we are really struggling with how to relate to ourselves, with how to make peace–i think it’s always better to share, to find others who get it. i think it helps us take care of ourselves and quiet the berating voices in our heads.
as for your delivery meals, i’m filing that in case i ever have another kid.
and, just in case you are wondering, even if this whole weight loss thing doesn’t go exactly how you’d like, nobody here will give a damn.
Do not feel bad for feeling this way! But dont be too hard on yourself either! I completely understand how you feel. I keep gaining and gaining. I look at my old clothes and wonder on in the world I am going to fit back in them!
I think it is natural to worry about the way we look. And to want it to happen very quickly as well. Dont stress about losing it, that will make it harder. Easier said than done, I know. But I have a feeling you look pretty fabulous, so dont beat yourself up about it!
commented earlier but need to chime in again. While I wish we could all love our bodies after babies, regardless of weight, that didn’t work for me (and doesn’t for many clients I see). Our size and appearance can be a source of confidence. “Losing it” isn’t finding fault with ourselves but coming back to ourselves pre-baby and reclaiming our lives. Exiting soapbox now.
Don’t be hard on yourself about what you feel or how you feel. Just roll with it! Maybe you are just trying to reclaim that sense of control that you mention is so important to you. I am getting meals delivered as well because I don’t have the energy to make healthy decisions and it is a lot less clean up. Hang in there!
I had a strict post-baby plan and then ended up with an unplanned c-section. That meant no working out for 3 months at least. I just lost the weight around when she turned 1 and it’s something I am kind of ashamed of. I lost half the weight very quickly and then just lost steam. After 9 months of precise eating and avoidance of all things alcoholic, I just needed to LIVE a little. And it took a long time to get over that living. I guess as long as you’re doing it healthy, your obsession will probably pay off.
Superficial? No. Honest? Yes. As any new mum knows, we long to fit back into that pair of jeans and when we do it feels so good. As long as it’ s carried out in a healthy manner you’ ll be fine.
As for the D word it should be scrapped, and personally I don’t own scales. The only time I get weighed is when I visit the doctors’. Enjoy and great to hear from you.
Sounds like you’re on the right track already. Like you yourself admit, it takes time to lose weight healthfully, especially if you’re also nursing. Don’t be too hard on yourself!
I was always one of those size-3, don’t weigh myself girls. Of course, turning 30 & working at a sedentary job I disliked that is so not true any longer, even without kids. But since I left the job and hubby & I have been eating a little more lo-carb, I am losing it. Slowly. and it’s not so much about the pants size, it’s about being healthy and putting my weight and fitness back more in line with how I like to think of myself. And I try not to obsess over the fact that the numbers on the scale don’t seem to reflect how my body looks, since it’s true that muscle weighs more than fat. While my pants size has shrunk, those pesky numbers haven’t, but I take comfort in knowing I’m measurably stronger…I prove it to myself daily by (for example) carrying a 50 lb sack of feed farther than I ever could before.
Still, I must say, when I saw an ex-coworker over the weekend and she commented on how she could tell I’d lost weight, it was an ego boost.
So I guess I’m just as superficial as the next girl after all…
Ugh the baby weight! If it makes you feel better I had about 20 lbs left to lose at 6 weeks… and I was a bridesmaid in a wedding. Chubby! But by 4 months I was 5 lbs thinner than before I got pregnant. 80% thanks to nursing and 20% thanks to exercise and diet. I think the meal plan will have you in fighting form in weeks, if you can handle being hungry all the time! (I ate like a linebacker while nursing and still lost weight, I can’t imagine cutting back on food but you have way more willpower than I do!). You’ll be back to your normal svelte self in no time I am sure
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I think putting it all out there is exactly what connects us, lets us ALL know we’re human. I’m glad you wrote and published this, although I know that “eh” feeling you write about.
So, after Abby, it took TWO YEARS for me to loose my baby weight. I’d never really had to worry about weight and always ate when hungry and I continued that plan when preggers and nursing. Not too smart. I felt a lot of angst about my weight, the size of my pants, my appearance, why I wasn’t one of those cute mommies who bounced right back to their pre-birth weight. I actually brought regular jeans to the hospital to wear home (yes, hormones and naivete rendered me delusional).
After H, I was at my regular weight in 3 days. I craved different foods and ate much differently. This was a decidedly much nicer experience. It highlighted just how exacting I am about my image and with thoughts of myself.
Love what you’re doing for yourself. Both exploring how you feel and eating well. xoxo (And let’s try to plan an outing soon.)
You’re probably obsessing because you know that weight loss isn’t automatic – and it really isn’t. But my guess is that if you’re thinking about it, then it’ll happen. And 6 weeks! Give yourself a break. I remember one time I went to the doctor and complained that I put on weight. She looked through my chart – for the past 15 years and aside from pregnancy, my weight hasn’t fluctuated more than 10 lbs. But there are just times when you “feel” heavier or not.
I don’t have any children, but I think I know how you feel. If I gain weight above my normal baseline, I feel uncomfortable in my skin. It isn’t just how I look (although I’m happiest with that when I’m at my normal weight and can fit into my skinny pants), it’s how I feel when I move, and even how the temperature affects me – I’m pretty short and small, I think for that reason even a 5-lb weight gain means I’m less comfortable when it’s hot out. I don’t think there’s anything shallow about your wanting to lose the baby weight.
I am ashamed to say what I thought when I saw the newspaper photos of Obama’s mother. There were photos of her across time, looking slim when she was young, and then looking fat when she was old. And all I could think was how stark the contrast was and how she (as many people do) put on so much weight over time!
http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2011/04/24/magazine/stanley-ann-dunham-timeline.html?ref=magazine
You are not shallow or superficial, you are human! It’s OK to talk about such topics! It’s healthy to commiserate. And, IMO, not at all annoying. You do sound like you are very hard on yourself, though…
As for wanting to get your pre-baby bod back, please don’t apologize. You have to take care of your health for the sake of your children and that includes mental and emotional as well as physical. Who cares what we think, anyway? Just do what makes YOU feel good. When you feel good, you look good!
I completely understand wanting to get your pre-baby bod back. I’ve had two kids, and I felt the exact same way. Some of my friends who also had babies at the time did not, and that’s ok. Everyone can feel differently about what they want. I worked hard to get my body back. I feel happier when I am taking care of myself and am happy with how I look.
I love and appreciate your honesty Aidan. I think other mothers like myself can absolutely relate to what you write here. I was terrified that I would never get back to my pre-pregnancy size and although I lost 18 of the 20 pounds I gained before I left the hospital (and the 2 pounds thereafter), I am sad to say that I am unsatisfied that my stomach will never be as tight as it was before my daughter was born. It shouldn’t bother me but it does!
Oh another note, I finished your book yesterday while on vacation in Paris. Talk about fitting! I loved it. You are a talented writer and I can’t wait to read your next book.
I think it is great that you are being so honest. For me, losing the weight after my third child was a teeny bit harder but I also had some other health-related issues to contend with.
Knowing that I am done having babies makes me really want to get my body back in tip-top condition. And yes, I am very careful what I say and do around my children as far as food and exercise is concerned. I focus on being healthy, not being a certain number – and like you, I don’t ever use the “D” word!
Good luck and congrats!
I was referred here from Lauren’s blog, just wanted to let you know that most of us are wrapped up in appearances, there are only a select few who are willing to honestly and openly admit to it though and THAT I commend you for. I think I would have much of the same feelings as you post-baby. I think most women do. I don’t think there is anything wrong with wanting to feel good about yourself again though! You deserve it!