Confused
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“Confusion is a word we have invented for an order which is not yet understood”
Henry Miller
To the world, she had it all. A lot, at least. A handsome and intelligent man. Three glittering girls. A happy home. A passion for prose. And she knew this. She appreciated it. She thanked her lucky stars. But, the truth was, she plodded through her days, bright days, busy days, very confused. Confused about who she was and who she was becoming. About what she wanted and why she wanted it and if she truly wanted it. Her confusion was her secret, sturdy within, something she quietly cherished. But it rattled her also, making her feel scattered and slow sometimes. The landscape of her life loomed, gorgeous with greens and grays, and toward it she traveled, skipping here and stumbling there, but knowing. Knowing that there was a pattern there, a deep order she could not yet fathom. In her confusion, she flailed and she sailed, alternating between a shy smile and a slight sulk. All the while, thankful for it all. The things the world saw. And those only she felt.
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Do you ever feel confused about your identity and your unfurling life? Do you think there is a metaphysical and existential richness in confusion? Would you rather experience an utter absence of confusion or an excess of it?
All. The. Time. Literally, every single day. I love that Henry Miller quote, and believe it. xoxo
LOVE that quote. It’s always a relief to hear you say things like this – so honest, so true.
Another great post! Right now I sit in the hot seat of confusion, because things are changing for me. On the one hand I am positive it will be a blessing in disguise, but on the other, I am unsure of which direction I am heading.
I have to believe it will all be well!
I highly recommend this book: http://www.amazon.com/Mothers-Guide-Self-Renewal-Rejuvenate-Re-Balance/dp/0978977602/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1305813789&sr=8-1
It doesn’t have any “answers” (ARE there any?), but it helps you to wade through the confusion in rather pleasant fashion.
Yes. Confusion comes every time something changes. May you make it through to the other side.
I know I’ve felt confusion as I’ve evolved through the different stages of my life. Confusion is difficult when we’re in the midst of it. But I’m glad it exists because I love the confidence and the feeling of clarity when the confusion lifts. It’s almost magical.
Keep on sailing. You’ll figure it all out in time.
I’m confused by the question.
(I believe I already have an excess of it!)
I had an epiphany of sorts yesterday. I’ve been waiting for tragedy to strike in my life. Like, somehow, that will be my turning point when I can then heal and rise from the ashes and sail into the sunset.
The thing is, there is no tragedy. I’ve lived a pretty good life with the normal ups and downs. So, does that mean there is no sunset for me? No rising from the ashes? No sailing?
Instead, and this is such a podunk realization that I’m embarrassed to share it, I think life is simply a series of moments. How many times have you (and even I) written about this. But it dawns in moments just the same.
Maybe it’s a dawn and not a sunset for which I seek. Maybe I’m just confused by the romance for which I seek. Maybe life is simple and that’s it’s ultimate beauty. Happiness is available every day.
That’s a humdinger bit of confusion.
Life is a state of perpetual confusion punctuated by moments of clarity.
I could not agree more, Jack. And the thing is that I think this is ultimately a wonderful thing. There is something rich and instructive about confusion. And those moments of clarity when they come? Golden.
Maybe it’s not always confusion but an attempt to do your best. I find, especially as a mom, there’s this constant nagging about whether I’m being successful. You focus on one thing and another suffers, ok it’s confusing too.
I’m in a different stage of life than you are but feel the exact same way with all aspects of my life. Particularly: “About what she wanted and why she wanted it and if she truly wanted it.” And more so because I’ve been unemployed for a while now…
Great post, Aidan!
Flailing and sailing, smiling and sulking, pleased and terrified, going, but where. Oh, how I get that feeling.
Lovely, lovely post.