Should I Go?
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Husband’s cousin is getting married next weekend in Buffalo, New York. The whole family is getting very excited about the festivities. When I learned that I was pregnant last summer and that I would be due in March, I was thrilled with the timing because I realized that I would indeed be able to attend the wedding. I love weddings. And I love Husband’s family.
But here we are. A week-plus from the wedding. And, as of this moment, I do not plan to go. Husband booked his airline tickets just last week and when I was forced to decide because it is getting so late, I said: I don’t think I should go. Ah, the should word. That terrible word.
Many months ago, I think I assumed that we would all go – all five of us Rowleys – and that we would bring someone (our nanny or baby nurse or both) to help out with the kiddos. I didn’t think about the practicalities that now swarm now: That purchasing six or seven plane tickets plus two or three hotel rooms is financially foolish. That bringing our kids is logistically silly because with a packed weekend of events we won’t even see them much while we are there.
So. Until last week, Husband and I decided that we would go solo. Just the two of us. Just for one night. I would bring my breast pump and our little one would be given bottles while we were gone. I made arrangements to leave the babes here with both our nanny and our baby nurse. I felt good about the plan. Empowered that I could go and would go.
But then. It came time to finally decide and I felt something go soft within me. I felt the rising of the shoulds, the ripple of motherly guilt. I talked it over with Husband and the following things came from my mouth. I’m just not sure I should leave our baby when she’s not even three months. I’m just not sure I will be able to enjoy myself when I’m there because I will feel guilty for leaving. I’m just worried that people will judge me for leaving my newborn home.
Should. Guilt. Judgment. These are familiar things. For me. (For all of us?)
And today. On this Friday morning, I feel that this is worth thinking about, and asking you. I want very much to see my cousin walk down the aisle. I want very much to be there with the extended family I love celebrating this happy occasion. But I feel as if I shouldn’t go. But I want to. I really do.
And so. I’m asking you. What you think. Whether this breed of dilemma is at all familiar to you?
I’m not sure whether I can change my mind this late in the game, but it’s possible. And so I want to figure this out. And soon.
Should I go? Help me decide! (Pretty please.)
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Do you think I should get over my qualms and go to Buffalo? Would you judge me if I left my tiny creature in trusted hands for twenty-four hours? Do you think I am overthinking things? Do you think we women (and mothers) are somehow wired to worry, or built for guilt?
Go!!! A wedding is a once in a lifetime event, something to be cherished and enjoyed and experienced IN PERSON rather than over a recording (the only exception to this rule is the Royal Wedding, which, due to logistics and lack of an invitation, was obviously impossible
. I admit, I have no children and none of the same experiences as you. BUT, my own mom is practically the poster child of unnecessary worry and anxiety when the thought of a trip comes up. She always works herself into a major dilemma about whether it is right to leave her youngest (<5) in perfectly able and responsible hands or to go take stay at home. Now, it sounds like you've got a pretty reliable force set to take over should you go. And I can only imagine how invigorating a SHORT (one night) yet festive night away would be for you after all the changes of the last few weeks. So I encourage you to go for the sake of taking an enjoyable breather that will give you stories to take back to your little girls (who will be FINE 
who will be thrilled to hear of the exciting adventure had by their newly energized mom 
I wouldn’t judge you in the slightest. When my baby was new, we had a whole slew of issues that necessitated my leaving her with my mom and an aunt for a weekend while my husband and I figured out some moving issues.
Other options are available, though. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. Your big girls would probably find it an adventure to have the house “to themselves,” or if you have family in the area that could spend time with them, they’d probably love a special Grandma or cousins weekend. There’s no reason to feel any guilt about letting them stay home; while they’d miss you, they’d also have a lot of fun, I’m sure.
If you really feel guilt about leaving the babiest, you can take her on the flight as a lap child–she doesn’t need her own seat on the plane–and your family in Buffalo probably know plenty of folks they trust to babysit for a few hours during specifically no-children-allowed times (the actual ceremony and/or the reception).
But really, you’ve got both a nanny and a baby nurse? I really don’t think you need to worry about your girls’ care. I would say, “Go.” It’d be great to have some time to reconnect with your husband, just the two of you, and to get a full night’s sleep for once. Good luck!
I would say go! Like the above commenter, if you want to bring along just the baby, that would probably be fine. People expect a nursing baby to be pretty much attached to the mother, so that shouldn’t be a problem, and your big girls might have fun on their own for a few days. Or if you want to go with just you and the husband, that might be great, too. Give you two a chance to talk and reconnect away from all child-related matters. My husband and I always have our best talks when we’re traveling, and to do it without children at all would be incredible. Maybe you could even visit Niagara Falls while in Buffalo
I pretty much lived in the land of “no, thank you” for the first year of both my boys’s lives. I missed out on a lot in order to quell the guilt and stay home with them instead, and in retrospect, have my regrets.
So go. Do it for me.
While I don’t have kids, I do have the “farm kids”, all the animals that rely on me for their daily care. It’s so hard for hubby and I to go anywhere without me feeling guilty about my responsibilities at home…it’s even made for a lot of major holidays like Christmases where I go visit my family and he stays home or vice versa. (That’s hard
) Lately though, since his brother, who grew up on the farm too, has relocated back to the area, we can and do get to go away, even if it’s just an overnight camping trip. It’s so nice to have that special time with hubby, and I know that my BIL can take care of whatever comes up and be trusted to stay in our home. I do usually feel guilty, but just until I actually leave. Then I have so much fun just getting away for a bit that it fades away completely. (So yes, I agree caretaking guilt is probably hardwired somehow, even when your “kids” have 4 legs or feathers!)
It sounds like you have trusted, capable people in your life that the kids already know and trust. You won’t be abandoning them to strangers!
Go, enjoy, take the night to reconnect with your hubby as adults, not just parents. I sincerely doubt that anyone at the wedding that knows you will judge you harshly for it.
…and give it what my hubby calls the 10-year test: looking back 10 years from now, what will be the more memorable experience for that particular day? Which choice would you regret NOT taking then? If it’s enjoying the wedding, go do it. If it’s having alone time with the girls, do that instead. Forget the worldly “shoulds” and follow what’s really inside.
Like the other commenters, I too think you should go. It sounds like you really want to attend the wedding and might regret not going. I’m sure the time away will be reinvigorating and make you an even better mother when you return.
I hope you do what makes you happy and can let go of the guilt.
If it were your husband’s sister– I would say you shouldn’t miss it. Cousin’s a bit more removed. If you and her/him are close, you might kick yourself for missing it. And you’d have a chance to mingle with his family. I would base some of your decision on your rsvp. Plans and table seating could have been made either way when they received your reply. I was annoyed when my fiance’s parents decided he needed to stay home and work on a school project when we had planned on him attending a family wedding. I really wanted him to get to know that side of my family and I know the couple had been inconvenienced.
I missed a family wedding due to getting a new puppy. Not too good of a comparison, but I didn’t want to board him after having him for only a couple weeks. I wish we had gone though. So I can *kind of* see where you are coming from. I’m sure the feeling is multiplied ten fold when it is a new child.
Just. Go.
You were a person before you had kids and you are still a person now. Your kids will be well taken care of and they will never remember that one time you went to a wedding and left them home. They’ll just remember how much you loved them and cared for them all the other times. Leaving doesn’t mean that you love them less. I really wish women would show their kids, especially girls, that it is OK to have a life and needs and wants too outside of being a mom. Instead, we perpetuate a guilt cycle that goes on and on and on. So do your part and teach your children how you can be a wonderful mom and a wonderful individual at the same time. And go to the damn wedding.
I will also echo Peyton’s comment. The big girls could have a wonderful time in your absence. And with a nanny who’s been with your family for several years you know they’d be in good hands.
As for the littlest one, she will be fine either way. She would also be in perfectly good hands with your nurse. But if you feel that leaving her behind would not be good for her, I suspect she will make a resonably convenient stowaway.
I think it boils down to this: If your reluctance to go is because of legitimate concern for the welfare of your girls while you’re gone (which I don’t think is the case), then you should stay. But if your reluctance is more about what other people will think, then you should go. That said, I didn’t spend a night away from my son until he was 11 months old, so I know how difficult it is to leave them.
PS – I wouldn’t judge you in the least for going. Except perhaps to say “Good for you!”
first, i think leaving for one night is fine. TOTALLY fine. daunting? definitely. but fine.
but i also think staying is fine. the first few months of a new baby’s life are this incredible invitation to take it slow, to follow just your gut and know it’s true. so if what you’re feeling is that you need to stay, then stay. anyone who’s ever had a baby will completely understand.
also, we took maxine to a wedding when she was 2 months. i was so nervous about the whole trip (it was only a day trip, but it was a few hours in the car both ways and certainly our biggest adventure thus far) but, in the end, it was a relative breeze. babies are so flexible when they’re tiny, so all of the above suggestions about bringing her along seem to be right on the money, too. plus, it’s fun to get dressed up and feel a little less mom and a little more girly for a day.
Why don’t you just bring the newborn with you? That’s what I would do. And don’t be worried about your other little ones feeling left out because it’s not “fair” that the newborn gets to go and they don’t. A wise women once told me, Fair does not mean Equal. It just means that everyone gets what they NEED. Newborn needs you in a very different way then your older girls do.
And what you’re not saying (if I recall) – is that you don’t like to fly. And you flew last year, had a great time, but… while all was fine, as I recall (again), it wasn’t exactly un-bumpy.
My head would say “go” – and yes, there are ample options for all your girls and wonderful care. But if you will feel safer, more at peace, just less stressed by staying – then “go” with that.
With your gut. As you. And as a mother.
(I never feared flying before I had kids. It all changed after kids – and many mothers I know feel the same. Just sayin… )
What a tough decision! I don’t have children so I’m going to look at this in a more logical, process of elimination way.
Option 1: Don’t go
Option 2: Go and don’t bring any children
Option 3: Go and bring the newbie
It sounds like a part of you really would like to go so while option 1 is tempting, I’d think you would have regrets.
It also sounds like you’re struggling about leaving your children behind. And although you love all your children equally, it also sounds like you’re concerned about the newbie. So, option 2 is out, which leaves only option 3.
So by process of elimination – option 3 wins. Perhaps a little one on one time with your newbie and hubby will be a special moment in time. I’m sure your two littles will be fine if you, hubby, and newbie are gone for one night.
That’s all I’ve got. Good luck making the final decision!
I agree with Kristen’s suggestion here.
Oh, I totally relate to this situation. We are actually taking both toddler and baby to Germany in late September (read Oktoberfest) for our good friend’s wedding and bringing my sister to help with the kiddos because I couldn’t bear to be away from them for 10 days.
Could you just take the baby? With a whole bunch of family there for the wedding, I bet you would have tons of help with her.
Good luck with your decision!
Go. If you really need for your sanity, you can take the babe. But go. So much if your days are (and will be) consumed by Shoulds.
Lots of great suggestions here, and I don’t have anything wise to add except: go! We try not to miss the things that matter. This occasion is happy and wonderful and would be great for your morale, so I would plunk myself on that plane and try to have a good time.
That being said, I don’t have children — and I can’t imagine how tough it is to part with them (even for a few days). The suggestion to bring your newborn is a solid one, and one I would consider. But if you can steal away for a day or two with your husband, I would go for it.
Also, Buffalo? Awesome! My boyfriend’s family is from just outside of town. Lovely area — in the spring and summer, at least.
And Niagara is one of my favorite places in the world. I never tire of visiting.
You should go and BRING the baby! I’ve traveled with a young baby several times and would be glad to offer any advice if you need it. Don’t worry about leaving the 2 big girls at home since they have each other. They will understand that the baby needs mommy more than they do
And of course, you can act like the big girls are the lucky ones because they get the house all to themselves. Good luck! Let us know what you decide!
Funny, I haven’t been on facebook in weeks, but logged on tonight and saw your post in my news items. This, coming from a girl who traveled from Atlanta to NYC when my first born was only two months old, so I could be at YOUR wedding, I say go. We left her in our hotel room with a total stranger, (recommended by kerry) and I came home that night, from the natural history museum with really sore boobs and a wet nursing bra… But had a blast, and am so glad I was there to watch you and Hubby tie the knot on such a fabulous occasion.
The token male’s view: I’m a big believer in “feelings.” If I feel like I shouldn’t do something, I don’t do it. Period. No sense in upsetting the universe, if you know what I mean.
That said, of course it’s your decision. And, more importantly, whatever you decide, DO NOT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT. There’s never an upside to feeling guilty about doing what you feel is right for you and yours.
Take it from someone who has been seeking advice for the past 18 months (about a totally separate topic, of course!)…sometimes you get an overwhelmingly popular suggestion, but if you just can’t get on board with it, then you just have to do what feels best.
When I read your post today, I felt overwhelmed with emotion for realizing the position you are in regarding this decision. But whenever you do make your decision, and make it with your whole gut, I will know (and I hope you wil too) that it was the right decision for you.
No matter what, I am and always will be looking forward to the next time we have the chance to see you, and husband, and the girls. So good luck with the internal conflict…and just know that it won’t be too late (until Sunday morning) to set another place at the table for you
Of course I meant that it wont be too late for you to decide until the Sunday morning AFTER the wedding…take your time making your decision. I have definitely have some perspective on your thought process because of this post (without having kids of my own, it’s not a feeling I can even come close to relating to).
Linds
You should go! I left my first daughter at 6 weeks to attend a wedding in California, no less. It definitely wasn’t easy and I absolutely missed her to death. But, that little bit of separation rejuvenated me and made me feel like my old self pre motherhood. It sounds like they will be in good hands and like you truly want to attend. I’m sure you will figure it out and do what feels right to you
Like Lucy says, go and take Newborn. You will be kicking yourself for not going, and if you take the baby and only the baby you will not need a nanny and you can show her off to everyone!
I agree that you should go, and if possibly take the baby with you. Everyone will be on hand to help you and I am sure that they will be thrilled that you made the effort.
The girls will be well taken care of and will more than likely enjoy the time with their nanny.
I’d go >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Go. You will miss your girls, especially your baby, but it will be so nice to see your family. Do not feel bad about leaving, unless YOU can’t do it. Everyone’s situation is different, don’t let their judgment get you down, especially when in reality no one is thinking too much of it other than you.