In the Weeds: The Truth @ Three Months
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My tiniest creature – newly-dubbed Little Girl – is three months as of yesterday. It’s hard to believe that three whole months have ticked by since she arrived. And they’ve been three good months, wonderful months, but they’ve also been hard.
Yes, I’m admitting this. This has been both an amazing and tough time in my life.
When Big Girl (formerly Toddler) was an infant, I met several neighborhood moms. We hung out often – meeting in the park, attending baby classes, drinking afternoon sangria while our bitty ones slumbered. These moms have become some of my best friends. Anyway, I remember one night when we all went out to a swanky eatery/bar. We left the babies at home with our husbands, got dressed up, and stayed out late talking about life and parenthood. One of the biggest topics of discussion? Sleep. More specifically, sleeping through the night. Amazingly, all of us had babies that were sleeping through the night. And our babes were only months old!
It occurred to me after the fact that some of us were probably lying. There is no way all ten of us had perfect little sleepers. And yet. For some reason, we all told that story.
I was not fudging. Big Girl had indeed started sleeping through the night around three months. And I was proud, renewed, and smug about this fact. When Middle Girl (formerly Baby) arrived on the scene, she was even more of a rock star sleeper and started sleeping through at seven weeks! Unbelievable, I know.
But. Here I am. At that three-month-mark for the third time. And I’m not going to lie or even candy-coat things.
Little Girl is not sleeping through the night.
She is doing well. Often sleeping 6-9 hour stretches, but then popping up somewhere between 2am and 4am bright-eyed and ravenous. And so. I am tired. Very tired. And guess what? That rock star sleeper Middle Girl? She has started waking up several times in the night calling for her Daddy. We’re not sure what’s going on. Surely, she is reacting to the arrival of her little sister. Maybe she is having nightmares. Maybe she just wants to be the baby again. I don’t know. But it’s been hard.
Hard, yes. But exquisite also. Isn’t it truly remarkable that life can be so tricky but also so gorgeous? Even in my continued haze, I am consistently grateful for the chaos that is my Now. I would not trade this for anything.
Truth be told, I’ve had a hard time deciding how much to reveal recently here on the blog. A few have expressed concern that my blog posts have had some detectable darker edges, that my words suggest a struggle.
You know what? Life, in all its incarnations, has some dark edges. And the good life? There is struggle at its very core. A sweet struggle. A tempest of blustery effort and affection. Of wild wonder, and deep reverence for creatures, and all we can’t control.
My baby is three months. And I love her endlessly. But I am also still there, here, in the murky beginnings of a new stage. I stand squarely “in the weeds” as my lovely friend Kathryn Beaumont so aptly puts it. And I wouldn’t choose to stand anywhere else. These weeds are mine and they are as inspiring as they are exhausting. It’s a good, difficult, glorious place to be.
(But if Little Girl decides to start sleeping through – and her big sister decides to stop beckoning Daddy in the middle of the night – making things a wee bit less weedy, I wouldn’t complain 
)
Thank you all for supporting me through the last three months. I know that I have been a bit scattered and cryptic at times on this blog. I know that I have been remiss in commenting on your wonderful words. Please know that I am doing the best I can and that once we all start sleeping a bit better around here, I will be back to that old school Aidan you all know (and hopefully love!).
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Do you think we parents sometimes feel pressure to lie about how “perfect” things are at home with our kids? Why is it so hard for so many of us to admit that we are struggling appropriately with things? When did your kiddos start sleeping through the night?
My middle and youngest daughters took longer to sleep through the night than my eldest. I can see so many reasons now, some I could have changed and some were just to be. My appreciation for the less than desirable situation was that the precious season needed an edge to keep me moving forward. Otherwise I might always be wishing for little toes to kiss and smiles that lit up brightest for me. Both girls were petite–both girls took a year–seven and nine years later after oodles of good nights of rest I smile when I think of our quiet moments in the middle of the night. I also smile that they were far more worth sleep deprivation than other causes I’ve allowed. Rested Enjoyment to You.
Oh how I love this post! This line: “Isn’t it truly remarkable that life can be so tricky but also so gorgeous?” is my white board quote for the day.
Yes, you’re absolutely right. We know we live fortunate, happy lives but sometimes, well … the dark edges are there, aren’t they?
Wishing you a life less weedy!
Oh, man. I remember those days. The sheer exhaustion, so brittle it aches. As you know, it’s truly fleeting though it feels like the present will NEVER become the past.
Beautiful photo.
Hang in there mama!!! You can do it! This too shall pass…..
4 more weeks for me and I will be right there with you in the sleepless nights!
“Of wild wonder, and deep reverence for creatures, and all we can’t control.” – oh, my God, Aidan … yes. This is LIFE. Life. I’m so grateful for your words – and you – out there. xox
I so know where you are coming from. Consider this, having twins when oldest is 2 1/4 and then having a fourth when twins are 16 months. Girl twin (or #3) didn’t sleep through the night until #4 was brought home from the hospital. I do wish you a full night’s sleep soon – both you and husband.
Obviously you know I understand. It’s like being drunk without all the fun. What an incredibly beautifully written post, however. In your sleepy haze perhaps there is unfiltered creativity?
Starbucks on me the next time I’m in NYC!
PS. If you keep posting gorgeous baby photos I’m going to break down and have another! Ha!
I had the hardest time when Joy was a baby – most of my friends’ babies were sleeping through the night, and she (because she had colic and was just miserable most of the time, poor little thing) still was only sleeping four hours at a stretch, and those either on me or on Carl, because she was too uncomfortable to sleep any other way. On top of my exhausted haze, I felt the subtle condemnation from other mothers of just not training her properly, and of indulging her. Thank goodness for rational parents who assured me that not all babies are the same, and it’s more important to know your own kid and do what works for her than letting other people’s uninformed opinions influence you!
That said, I do hope both your wakeful little ones start sleeping peacefully and long soon.
My goodness how it all changes, right? With each new child entering the house. The exhaustion is almost too much to bear. The neverending exhaustion. But it sounds like you are doing good, mama. Soaking it up, all the while understanding that it’s not easy and that’s okay, too.
Just keep moving forward. It’s all we can do, right?
Very very glad you decided to share (and you put it so beautifully, too!). My son didn’t sleep through the night until 6 months of age. He screamed most of his waking hours for 4 months of colic. We got through it, and clearly healed as we are expecting #2 all of 1.5 years later! I don’t think that my experience was uncommon, yet I did not hear similar things from my acquaintances & colleagues, and rarely read them on blogs. I often felt inadequate & alone when everyone around me had babies apparently sleeping through the night by 8 weeks & happily cooing all day. We need to keep it real so that we can get the support we need & embrace the experience in all its messy, exhausting, reality. Why the sugarcoating of a universal experience that is so so beautiful despite (or even because of) its imperfections?
Oh, Aidan, I’d like to just give you a hug. I, for one, dearly appreciate your honesty as a mom and parent. I don’t think many of us are honest enough about some of the darker moments, the questions we have, the insecurities and imperfections. and maybe I’m too open on my blog at times, but I’ve learned not to try to constantly please people who only like life in candy-coated shades of pastel happiness.
You are fortunate to have a 3-mo-old who sleeps as long as she does
My first one (nearly 21 years ago) was colicky and a terrible sleeper and I was a single mom…really it’s amazing we both survived. The second one (now 7) was so much easier…until he started teething molars at a year.
Please keep being honest, be yourself–that’s the way you’d want to be loved, yes? Not as a mask you put on for others.
Three months was the magic time with all three of my babies, and I’m sure your little one will start sleeping through the night soon. I remember thinking that sleep deprivation was the primary cause of those weepy, difficult feelings. Being a new mother is, as you say, mixed with being absolutely miraculous with really sucking! (Pun intended… Even breast-feeding me made me both feel wonderful and … well.. like an unappreciated cow.)
Hang in there and know that when you get that sleep, it will get better. Still stressful, but much easier to cope with those “sucky” times.
So sorry, Aid. I do like hearing and sharing the truth. I have two perfect sleepers. Both of my girls sleep through the night…after they finally pass out from total exhaustion at midnight.
I’m in the tired boat with you!
I feel your pain! My little guy wakes up around the same time and each night I seem surprised to be disturbed from my slumber. It really does make the next day very tiring. Hang in there and congrats to your husband on starting his new job;)
Thanks for sharing Aidan. I think it’s so very important to be honest about motherhood. I found the newborn stage incredibly difficult, while all around me people were discussing how blissful! how miraculous! how it was the BEST months of their lives! And I was thinking, really? Cause I was miserable. That doesn’t mean I didn’t love my baby, or that I wasn’t taking care of him, or that I shouldn’t be a mother. It means that it’s HARD. Even if you have a good baby or a sleeper. O started STTN at 8 weeks and I STILL was exhausted and wondered what I had gotten myself into.
Oh, and those blissful mamas? The minute I opened up about how hard I found it, they fell over themselves to spill their dark moments. So I make it a point to be brutally honest about motherhood, because I think it helps to know we aren’t alone.
The good news is you know what is waiting for you. For the good and the bad, newborns are only tiny for a very brief window of time. Soon she’ll be wearing purple and skipping along beside her bigger sisters.
Honesty is appreciated around here, especially when it comes in the form of your beautiful words.
This was a conversation I had with a new mother at work today and she stressed how tired she was feeling from lack of sleep. Her husband is in Iraq and she says that she finding it hard. I let her talk and I am sure she felt a better for it, she left laughing,
I have to admit that my babies slept through the night very early, and I had alot of support from my parents, siblings and cousins. However, I can understand how we feel that we should have the perfect baby, life etc., because that’s the picture painted my the media.
Here is my wish for you, that very soon little girl will start sleeping through the night, and middle girl will then return to her normal sleeping pattern, and mummy will be able to fire on cylinders.
Supporting you from afar is the least we can do, for your incredible words.
First of all I just finished your book. Loved it! You’re doing great mommy of 3! My nickname when I was a waitress at Dalts back in the 80′s was “in the weeds”. Perhaps it was training for the four children I would go on to have. I don’t remember when my babies slept through the night…I was lucky to call them the right name! Why do young moms feel the need to “pretend” everything is great? As a mom of teens & young adults now, I tend to ask advice from all my friends…Hang in there. It’s hard but SO worth every minute.
Having a baby who doesn’t sleep is the hardest thing ever!! I think you are doing amazingly well – no apologies necessary.
All I can say is that none of my boys slept through the night until after the nine month mark. The last boy was the worst and he didn’t sleep through the night until over a year. I think part of it was me and my knowledge that he was my last and wanted to keep that baby forever. Sleep is good though.
Love this post. Our baby, Eloise, is nearly 8 weeks and we are still working on sleeping through the night. She has done it twice but it is not consistent so I definitely know where you are coming from.
Just so you know, I am still reading and loving your blog, my hands are usually tied up with a baby preventing me from commenting. Cheers!