Love & Loss
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I had drinks with a friend the other night. I hadn’t seen her for several months. The last time I saw her was at our enormous Christmas party here. I was pregnant and getting pretty big. I was also running around, in happy and hectic hostess mode, so we didn’t get to talk much. I welcomed her when she arrived and asked her how her boyfriend was. Her face fell when I asked this question. And then she told me they had broken up. The reason? After more than two years of dating, he realized that he didn’t want to have children.
My friend? She wants kids. She will make an incredible mother. And so. For her, this was an absolute deal-breaker. She broke up with this man and I was proud, am proud, of her for this. As a mother myself, I don’t think people should compromise their desire for a family. The problem though was that my friend hadn’t stopped loving this man, and he hadn’t stopped loving her. The passion was there in spades, but still their ideas for the future were incommensurable.
So. A few nights ago, many months now after this breakup, we met up to catch up. And my friend was glowing. She has a fantastic new job and a fantastic new apartment. She has been dating a bit. She expressed her understandable hesitations about plunging back into the romantic pool after what she has been through. But then she said something. Something so wise. She said that she has realized, really realized, that the flip side of love is loss. That if we go through life trying to protect ourselves from hurt, from loss, we are not truly allowing ourselves to love. Love entails risking loss, the most profound loss of all.
And I sat there nodding because I could not agree more. I am a far more anxious person than I have ever been. My days are laced with fear and worry. I used to think it was adulthood, that this stage of life simply means more responsibility and concern. And this is probably true. But my friend made me aware of something I think I acknowledged only implicitly before the other night: I am fearful because there is so much love in my life and I am deeply, if unconsciously, afraid of loss. Husband. My three girls. Mom. My sisters. My greater family. My dearest friends. I love these people – more or less, and in different ways, and I am worried about losing them.
Thankfully, this worry is not all-encompassing. Thankfully, I do not go through my days pondering loss. Thankfully, these fears are often more intellectual than they are conscious.
Today I am thankful to have such a thoughtful friend who alerted me to something, something inscrutable and important, that is at play in my own life.
Today I am thankful for conversation. For the words and ideas and questions that come, organically and beautifully, when two friends, two people, take time to sit together.
Today I am aware of the immense love in my own life, and what it means.
Thank you, B, for your friendship and incomparable cocktail hour wisdom 
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Do you believe that the flip side of love is loss? Do you think that truly loving someone means opening yourself up to profound loss? How many relationships do you think fail because of the kid issue? Have you encountered any relationship “deal-breakers” in your time? Are you more anxious since finding love in your life?
Yes yes, and YES. I think love and loss are intertwined, inextricably, that one enriches the other, and that we cannot have love without loss.
I do think you’re right about the flip side to love- it’s not necessarily hate (that involves caring about another strongly, albeit differently, as well) but loss is a good word for it. The pain of having that empty space where someone used to be, either through breakups (friendship or romantic) or death. To open yourself wholeheartedly to love is to risk that it will go away and leave that gaping hole in your heart, but without that risk, I don’t think you can truly experience what love has to offer. It’s kind of a package deal.
What a timely post for my world…sis just came over a day ago to let me know her upcoming fall wedding has been called off. No huge hurt, just the feeling that they weren’t looking for the same things in life. Sis wants to move, likely to the city somewhere, see a bit of the wide world. Her fiancée just wanted to stay put in our small town, where his entire extended family lives and works. A definite dealbreaker for them, as there was no compromise that both could live with.
I agree that the flip side is loss. When you lose someone you have that empty feeling deep inside. I feel like I am always turning a corner hoping that I will catch a glimpse. I always walk into my Grandmothers house looking for my Grandfather. We called him Honey. Always listening for Honey’s deep belly laugh that filled the house with joy. That twinkle in his eye that we all knew he was helping us conspire against my grandmother. That loss will always be there.
I dated a much older man for about a year. And there is loss there as well. We broke up because he couldn’t give me what I wanted. Time not money. There is loss because we both cared deeply for each other but when one can’t give a piece of themselves then something has to give. I still ache to hear his voice and share my day but sometimes you have to let go and jump back in. These people all taught you something made you a better person. Stronger, Knowing!
For some of us, fear of loss is perhaps worse than loss itself, depending upon what we may have experienced. I tend to think of the flip side of love as being indifference – an emotional state that I do not aspire to.
Very interesting post. Much food for thought.
I agree with BLW. The fear of loss is much more daunting. It’s that transitory state where emotions are muddled in anxiety and uncertainty. But to understand love completely I believe you must experience loss.
Nice post Aidan.
I have to agree, I don’t believe you can love only and not fear or experience loss. However, with each experience we can not let it stop us from moving forward, even if only gingerly.
There are many deal breakers in love, you just have to know your own limit.
That was very inspiring and made me think… yes, love and loss definitely go together… and unfortunately it seems they’re inseparable, too. Because the things we love, we will lose eventually…hopefully not for a very long time and only due to the natural course of life.
Brene Brown who has a phenomenal talk on vulnerability which discusses the very notion that to really truly achieve, you have to put yourself out there. Be vulnerable. You should check it out: http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html
I have to admit that I agree: the flip side of love is loss. And you cannot love without some fears of loss. And sometimes, it is really difficult to not let that fear be all encompassing and take control of you. That definitely happened to me at least once and let me tell you, that relationship did not end well. But now that I have moved on and found a new love, I am feeling safer, more confident, and more comfortable. I still have fears of loss, but they are quieter. And I know that this man that I am with now wants to have kids so no deal breaker there.
thanks for posting this…sometimes I forget that with love, there sometimes comes loss. And if there is a loss (such as in love), you will always most definitely get better.
I am fearful of losing people a lot…especially in relationships. I guess what I have to work on is not being afraid to lose this person. Not being afraid that I could or would but just enjoy the time I have with them and do not worry about the future.