On Judgment & Discretion
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“How little do they see what really is, who frame their hasty judgment upon that which seems.”
Daniel Webster
Yesterday. Yesterday I published a brief post lamenting the fact that our beloved Nanny is on vacation for the next two weeks. In that post, I wondered – somewhat seriously, somewhat in jest – whether I will be able to hack it on my own with my three babes over the next stretch of time. Honestly? It struck me as a softball musing, as nothing truly profound nor controversial. Ultimately, I wanted to clue you all in to what I’m dealing with these days and why I might have a difficult time posting with regularity over the next little while.
Boy was I wrong. Perhaps foolish, but I didn’t anticipate that I would stir up such a debate. I guess I assumed that when it comes to life and parenthood we all do things differently, that there are many legitimate, if contrasting, ways to approach existence and child-rearing. Frankly, I didn’t anticipate being judged for my decision to have help.
How silly of me. How silly of me to not see this coming, this visceral and predictable reaction to my words.
Today I am thinking about judgment and whether it can be avoided. I’m not sure it can. As humans, we have the ability to reason and to judge. It is these very critical faculties that define us as a species. We would not survive a day in the world without the capacity to judge – whether a person is trustworthy, an action is safe, etc. To put it very simply (too simply, I reckon) to live is to judge.
Fine. But what about moral judgments? What about judgments about the way other people carry themselves and live their lives and raise their children? What about judgments about things that are not black and white and obvious, but exquisitely gray in essence? What about judgments about areas as complex as choice, as amorphous as affection? What about these kinds of judgment?
I don’t pretend to know. It may turn out that these judgments are rooted in who we are as people as well. That they too are wholly unavoidable. I imagine this is the case. But don’t we also have discretion? Isn’t discretion a kind of judgment? Isn’t it up to us which judgments we articulate and which ones we keep to ourselves, tucked safely in our whirring minds? I think so. I know so.
When is it okay to voice our moral judgments? Again, I haven’t a clue. But I think this is an important question. One worth thinking about. Particularly as it relates to very sensitive topics like parenthood.
Parenthood is a thorny and treasured land. For the most part, we all live in this land with good intentions. We adore our children and want what’s best for them. We hope that our kids are happy and healthy and grow up to be the same. Every day is an exercise in effort toward these important ends. And we all take different paths toward these more singular goals, don’t we? Some of us stay home. Some of us go to an office.
Because parenthood? It’s work. Incredibly important and intangible work. Work that compels us and confuses us. Work that makes us cheer and makes us cry. Work that is never ever over.
And so. I’m not sure this post has a tidy point, but that’s okay. These words – it turns out – are as murky as the topics they tangle. And perhaps that’s appropriate.
If there’s a message here, maybe it’s that we are human and fallible and that we are wired to make judgments. But maybe just maybe it is up to us to step back and evaluate our own judgments when and if they come. To pick them apart a bit and try to discern their origins. Maybe just maybe, it behooves us to realize that we are all really more alike than we are different. That we are all trying and failing, thriving and fumbling, living and loving and learning the best we can.
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Do you think it’s in our nature to judge? Do you think it’s also in our nature to use our discretion when airing our judgments or is this a skill we must learn along the way? Do you think some of us have less of a filter online given the quasi-anonymity that defines this space?
Yes, I think it’s part of our innate humanity to judge. I also think, though, that judgment says more about the judger than about anyone else.
xox
I’d never thought about it this way, Lindsey. Very interesting.
Lindsey – I agree with this. Thank you for the reminder.
Totally with you on this one, Linds!
You make some excellent points here. Yes, judgment is an essential quality of human life. Yes, discretion in airing those judgments is a judgment in itself.
However, I wonder if the rules are different here in the blogging world than they are in real life. Had you been having a cup of coffee with any of your dissenting commenters yesterday and mentioned in passing, “Nanny is out for the next two weeks and I hope wrangling my three girls alone isn’t too much of a rodeo,” a quick response on her part to have called you spoiled or entitled would have been patently poor form. But at the end of your post you pointedly asked the question “Do you think it makes me spoiled or sensible that I am so dependent on domestic support?” I think this changes the paradigm quite a bit. You opened the door.
This isn’t to say that support and tolerance among mothers isn’t vastly more productive than judgment. And I wholly agree with Lindsey’s comment above that such intolerance says much more about the judge than the judged. But when you ask for an honest opinion (as you mention in today’s post), you shouldn’t be surprised when you get it.
All of this aside, I thought the most interesting aspect of yesterday’s discussion was the refrain from so many commenting mothers that we all take help wherever we can get it. Whether it comes from a parent, neighbor, friend, or nanny, nearly everyone conceded that child-rearing is hard and that all help is golden. No one said, “I never accept help when it’s offered.” You get your help from a nanny (as do I). Others get it elsewhere. But almost none of us are going it alone. And anyone who is going it alone (unfortunately) likely didn’t choose that path. There is no shame in having help, nor in admitting that we need it. We are all human, and fallible, and frail. And that is perfectly fine.
I was going to echo your second paragraph, Gale. I read a few of the comments on yesterday’s post, so I’m not sure if the discussion got more heated later. My take was that it was actually remarkably civil (especially compared to, say, a couple of posts I’ve read last month about hiring a housecleaner…whoo!). I think the question at the end of the post seemed to me as an invitation to respond with true gut reactions, i.e. the question really asked for a judgement call. I’m sure you weren’t expecting everyone to answer in the way you hoped, right? (for the record, my answer: sensible, but admittedly lucky).
I think the word “judgement” does have a negative connotation these days, more like criticism or contempt. From a more scientific definition, “judgement” actually refers to the human cognitive ability to critically appraise a situation and come up with a suitable decision based on our past experiences and values. Absence or loss of judgement is actually a pretty severe cognitive deficiency.
Though we can’t avoid “judging” on some level, I absolutely agree that the world would be a better place if we tried more empathy, understanding, and respect towards the difficult choices we all make as parents.
I have to agree with Ana and Gale. Your post yesterday, whether in jest or not, invited honest feedback. Judgement is inherent in feedback, and I don’t think you can fault your readers for providing their honest opinions. Nor do I think those opinions were, necessarily, “visceral and predictable” (and I would be careful to reflect on your own judgement as well).
I do think that you are correct that in day to day life we probably judge too often. I had a professor once that taught all her students to “replace judgement with curiosity”. I think that is an excellent approach – when you are tempted to judge, ask questions instead. What you learn will likely change your perspective.
In your post yesterday, you also asked a question about getting support from online friends. I think you absolutely can get support online, and that can be an important way to connect with others. On the other hand, I wonder if you have been accustomed to getting almost entirely positive feedback from friends on this site. It appears that most of the comments you get day-to-day are from a small circle of friends and fellow bloggers that are largely supportive. Perhaps yesterday’s experience was somewhat shocking to you because you heard other voices from the crowd and received more honesty than you are used to.
Having a blog centered on honesty – both yours and your readers – and one focused on friends and supportive reinforcement may look and feel different. One is not necessarily better or worse than the other, but it might be worth thinking about which kind you want this site to be.
Newbie – You make several excellent points here. The first – and this is the one that others have hammered home as well – is that I asked for honesty and should therefore accept it when it arrives. My post and its concomitant questions asked for judgment. And I got it. Another point – and I have been thinking about this since yesterday – is the trend of positive feedback on this blog. You are correct to point out that often my comments are limited to a cozy circle of friends and fellow bloggers and that, for the most part, the words left here are encouraging. It is true that I am not used to criticism (here) and I do think yesterday threw me for a loop. I’m happy to admit that.
I’m also happy to admit that despite my patent defensiveness, I do not resent receiving any of the comments that came in. I think that the conversation that materialized was important and interesting even if it wasn’t easy. I think that I might have lost track of the reason I started this blog in the first place which was indeed to trigger honest conversations. I do not want to have a blog where everyone cheerleads me (certainly if they don’t mean it). Though it is sometimes difficult for me (hey, I’m human), maybe it is also good for me to weather criticism and judgment and be exposed to different perspectives.
And so. I humbly end this response to your eloquent, if anonymous, comment by saying that I am as flawed and fallible as the next person, as prone to making swift judgments and mistakes as anyone. Thank you for taking the time to write these words. I do hope you continue to chime in on the blog, in this conversation and others.
I just wanted to chime in once more to point out that when criticism came (even if it was unexpected) you welcomed and embraced the honesty, and that is laudable. You defended yourself, but not in a manner that was at all argumentative. You prompted and facilitated a great discussion, which I think we all appreciated.
Newbie – I like what your professor taught. I am someone who can be quick to judge and I like the idea of asking questions, if anything just to take time before I fire off an opinion. Thanks for sharing.
Ana – Thanks for your comment and the well-taken points therein. Like Gale, you are right that I did ask the question and insofar as I prize authenticity and honesty here I should learn to accept it – and learn from it – when it comes. You are right to point out that judgment is a critical aspect of thriving in the world. Upon reflection, I also agree that the tone of yesterday’s conversation was for the most part civil. I think I bristled most at the word “pathetic” which felt marginally mean-spirited. But even if it was mean-spirited, I guess that’s fine because I asked for it.
More empathy and understanding and respect? Wouldn’t that be fantastic? I think so.
I admit I missed the word “pathetic”, and definitely would NOT include that as part of civil discussion. But still, overall, the tone of the discussion was largely supportive or at least respectful (maybe I’ve gotten a little too used to the type of vitriol and anger that sometimes makes its way into comment threads on so-called hot-button topics). I think you did handle the criticism gracefully; I can’t imagine that I wouldn’t be similarly defensive at being labeled “pathetic”, particularly in regards to my choices as a mother.
Gale – Thank you for this important point, namely that I am the one who solicited honest opinions. And the fact that I got them shouldn’t surprise me. I did open the door. And I’m glad I did. As you know, while I felt initially taken aback by certain comments, I think that my original post and the comments it triggered combined to form an important conversation. That is my goal on this blog; to start conversations.
I do think that there is something different, if enigmatic, about these discussions online. I agree and fully that this exchange would look very different if it took place in a coffee shop.
And, yes. I think we all need help and take it where we can get it. This need for support is something we share and I think something that we should allow to unite us.
I think that our collective hypersensitivity on this topic reflects our culture’s failure to value the multiple paths that can result in a “well-reared” child. As women, we are conditioned to seek external validation of our choices, through our relationships; when in reality, whatever is best for our family, is best. We crave encouragement from each other, but if that encouragement is lacking, we look for validation. That can lead to judgment of anyone whose path is different. Maybe as women, we should look for opportunities to encourage each other in the very demanding, awesome job that is parenting.
I have two children, work part-time as an adjunct professor, and love the flexibility in my schedule. I want to see them and have an intimate knowledge of what’s going on with them. But I sure don’t judge anyone who works full-time, I may end up in that camp one day!
I’ve also been the full-time stay-at-home mom. As rewarding as it was, I found it very challenging, even with an incredibly involved husband. I respect your honesty. Thank you!
Jo – I think you are right that we are not only wired to judge, but also to seek encouragement and validation. In many ways, we live our lives on little islands, making decisions and taking actions, and every now and then (or more than that) we need, and seek, affirmation for these decisions and actions. I think that I was looking for validation yesterday. I do.
I agree that our culture fails to appropriately value the different, but equally valid, ways to raise kids and be good people. I wonder if this is on some level inevitable or whether we can change this – perhaps by having the hard conversations like this one?
Thanks so much for chiming in here.
I was thinking the same thing as Gale, that discretion in airing our judgments is in itself a fine form of judgment. There is a difference, I believe, in judging and being judgmental. It is good to be a judicious person, cautious and careful and aware. A judgmental person? I don’t think anyone believes that is a good thing to be.
One of my friends recently mentioned that one of the dangers with blogs is the relative anonymity, as you also bring up. Had you asked that question in person, I doubt anyone would have replied so harshly. But there is safety in sitting behind a computer screen, where you don’t have to see the person’s face as you spout your hurtful words, and where you can retreat from the conversation simply by clicking a button and leaving the page, instead of having to finish it face-to-face. Which, I suppose, is one of the dangers of blogging that we have to accept along with the many good things it provides
Indeed there is an important, if often overlooked, difference between judging and being judgmental. I agree that this online space has its own pitfalls and hazards and idiosyncrasies. By blogging, by putting ourselves out there, out here, we are making ourselves very vulnerable. And this can be a wonderful thing, but it can also be very hard. The question of anonymity is its own beast and I think about it often. Are we different people, in essence, when we render ourselves in non-identifiable strokes? I think so. I believe that there is something important and fundamentally democratic about the concept of anonymity, but I also think it can be dangerous and invite cowardice. I would be curious to know what all of you think about this?
Chiming in again here – I think it’s been important for me to ask myself every time I get ready to hit “publish” on a comment: “Is this something I would say if I was face-to-face with this person, and if not, why?” Quite often the answer is “No, because I would be too embarrassed to be this open in person,” and if that’s the case, I go ahead and publish, because it’s good to teach myself to be more open and brave about my words. But if the answer is “No, because it might be taken more negatively than I mean it, or there really is a mean spirit behind it,” I am training myself to hit “delete” without hesitating, even if my words are really clever or even true. I’ve got to remind myself that hiding behind a computer is not excuse for unkindness, it just means I have to be my own filter.
Oh such good points here.
I think that you did open the door with the question posed at the end. That being said, what appears in type often lacks the quirks of face-to-face conversation. Had you been having a cup of coffee with the woman (think of you blog as inviting someone into your house), she may have had the same response, conveying the same meaning but softened it with the follow up of her perspective.
Also, yesterday Kristen (I think) made a HUGE point in my mind – would we even be having this discussion if it was a man employing a nanny for help while his wife was at the office? I doubt it. It is such a double-standard that there is some expectation that a woman has to mother on her own but it’s perfectly acceptable for a man to have help.
Thanks for contributing to this conversation, Cathy. I think you raise an exceedingly important point about the nature and limits of online communication. It is very hard to convey exactly what we mean with the keyboard. Without the interpersonal cues and facial expressions and voice inflections meaning is also lost. Something can come across as very harsh in type even if it was not meant that way. How do we handle this? Is there a way to tweak the ways we communicate in this medium so as to avoid misunderstandings? I’m not sure.
Also, I’m so glad you reiterated Kristen’s brilliant point. Why is it that so many of these debates arise only in connection with women? Why are we in many ways harder on each other than we are on our male counterparts? A former male colleague of mine emailed me yesterday. He and his wife also have three children and the help of a nanny. He said something that really struck me. He said that raising kids is harder than the work he does as a lawyer and no one would ever give him a hard time for utilizing the assistance of paralegals and other support staff. Why is help around the home such a hot button issue?
I’ve been “lurking” here… reading yesterday’s post and comments as well as today’s with interest. There are so many eloquent and articulate writers… You, of course, Aidan, have the writing voice that draws us in and keeps us reading. And many of those who comment, in turn, are so articulate that I often feel there’s not much for me to add.
That being said, I still would like to join in the discussion with just a couple of thoughts.
I was a working Mom who worked in an office most of my career and endured the judgments from some stay-at-home mothers, so I’m familiar with that feeling… the feeling that others are thinking you are not a “good” mother because someone else is “raising your children.”
I also remember on my second extended maternity leave when I was home with a two year old and an infant and feeling overwhelmed. I wanted nothing more to be the perfect stay-at-home mother and instead, I had to admit (only to myself) that it was much easier to go into an office than it was to be home with my two little ones. I felt like such a failure as a mother.
When I read your post yesterday, I was reminded of my own young mother insecurities and that overwhelming feeling when I only had two children. I thought about my own mother who had four little ones in the span of 6 years. In those days, men didn’t help. My Dad went to work and then came home and relaxed. My Mom did all the child-rearing. When I was talking to her last night, I mentioned your post and told her how overwhelmed I was when I only had two little ones, and I told her how in awe I was that she was able to handle it. She acted like it was easy (well… I have heard that I was always a perfect angel
) She said that it helped that we liked to watch the kids shows that were on TV.
Now I know in today’s world, people would think parking kids in front of a TV was terrible! But that was one little “help” my Mom was able to get. She never apologized for it or worried about it. She knew she was a good mother.
I also know (no matter what anyone else thinks about whether my decision to work outside of the home was right or wrong) that I was (and still am) a good mother. And Aidan, you KNOW, that regardless of what anyone on this blog or anyone else thinks about you having a nanny, that you ARE a good mother, too.
It hurts when people use words like “pathetic” or “spoiled” but, I agree with you and others who have said that this conversation is better if it is honest, and I appreciate that you invite that honesty.
Your blog is about insecurity. The opposite of insecurity, I believe, is confidence. If we can have confidence in ourselves… when we KNOW we are good mothers… we don’t need to have that validation. It helps, of course, and feels good to get it. And when we get comments that feel judgmental, it will still hurt. We will feel that they don’t really understand or maybe feel defensive. But in this case, Aidan, nanny or no nanny, you know that you are a good mother and love your girls with all your heart.
But… shouldn’t you be watching them instead of blogging? (HA! Totally kidding! I’m glad to see you are finding a little time to get out here. I wish I were out there to enjoy those little ones and give you a little time to yourself. I’m lucky that I get to help my daughter out since grandbabies are MUCH easier!)
Enjoy these days with your three girls and if/when you ever feel overwhelmed, remember there are many of us mothers that understand completely and will be sending you positive vibes.
Yvette – Thanks so much for this long and very thoughtful response to this evolving conversation. First, I was waiting for someone to call me out on the fact that I am spending more time blogging than ever when I’m “supposed” to be with my kiddos. Currently, the big girls are pink-cheeked and exhausted and dozing on the couch in front of cartoons and the babe is swaddled in her futuristic swingy-seat deal. I could feel guilty about this, but like your mother, I don’t. Those kids are my gems and I know that I am a good mother. For me being a good mother involves taking care of myself too, keeping my body and brain toned, having difficult and enlightening adult conversations just like this one. I am eternally thankful that I have this spot to come to and talk and ask and wonder; It’s a tremendous privilege to be here and do this and I do not take it for granted.
I know that I am not alone in my questions, and insecurities, and fears. That is why this is so priceless, this honest exchange, this bartering of stories and struggles, this artifact of unfinished existence.
Again, thank you. For keeping the conversation going, for making me think and think some more.
Yes, I think the key is to take care of ourselves so that we are equipped to take care of our children. I just read this in a newsletter about mothering. I think it was something like, “Remember the oxygen mask” titled after the airline’s edict to help yourself first so that you’ll be able to help your children.
And I agree completely about the “no guilt” rule as well! Sounds like your kiddos are doing wonderfully and I’m so glad to see that you’re getting a little time to still blog! Hopefully, you will also find time to do other things that nourish your soul.
And one more thing you’re right about… We all deal with insecurities and fears. One of the best things about blogging is being able to share those vulnerable moments and know that there are others who are feeling just the same way. Or maybe they share a new perspective. Either way, if done respectfully, it opens our minds.
Thanks for sharing your feelings so openly with us!
All. moms. need. help.
Can I change that to: Everyone. Needs. Help. ?
Ha! Yes! And how.
As someone who has been torn to shreds by Motherlode readers in the past (nothing like being told you don’t deserve your children and that you are an unfit parent!), I will be honest and say I thought the feedback you received yesterday was pretty gentle. Still, I know how it feels to get critical feedback, and it’s way uncomfortable. All I can tell you is that I know who I am, and you know who you are, and that’s all that matters. I am insanely jealous of your resources — but I love that you have them! And I do know, with 100% confidence, that we all have our burdens to bear.
I have been called “privileged” by commenters on my blog before. Da*n straight, I am privileged. (Look, I didn’t blatantly curse on your blog because I know you don’t like it!) I am blessed and fortunate and I thank my lucky stars every single day. My life has never been and will never be a piece of cake, and I cry and struggle and put one foot in front of the other like anyone else. But yes, I am privileged. Not as much as some, but more than others. Like you said, we all do the best we can. I work my bum off and I don’t take anything for granted.
After my public flogging, my professional writer friends encouraged me to shrug it off. I decided, finally, that all I can be is myself. But I will say that it has made me more thoughtful about what I say and how I say it. I was thinking tonight, reading both posts, that I would never wish you luck at handling all three — you’re their mama, and you handle all three all the time. But I will wish you luck on having no breaks. I NEED the breaks, and I might not have a nanny, but I have camp and babysitters and help from my mom. No breaks for two weeks would be rough, and I am way farther along than you are!
Hang in there, Aidan. All part of the journey.
Hi Aidan,
I think your instinct about discretion is important. I think discretion has to do with “manners.” Many people I know consider it “bad manners” to criticize another parent’s parenting choices. Its just something that they wouldn’t do publicly.
Maybe empathy plays a role here, too. Perhaps it is easier to understand why its generally not a good idea to criticize the parenting style of a competent, loving parent when one is a parent themself.
Unfortunately, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned that
1) “Manners” are subjective and defined by the unique cultural context a person grew up in. I’m a small town Midwestern Catholic. If I were in Iran right now, my lack knowledge regarding appropriate manners would no doubt inadvertently offend someone.
2) People have varying degrees of capacity for empathy. Even if we feel like someone “should” be able to empathize with our plight, that doesn’t make it the case.
3) People on the internet sometimes behave in ways over the internet that belies their IRL capacity for empathy and discretion.
I think you’re a great mother, Aidan, and one of the most fascinating, thought-provoking bloggers on the internet. I’m sure you’ll take this one in stride.
Peace,
Nicole
I have to admit that I can be incredibly judgmental. It is one of those things that I am working on. While I don’t think that judgment is all bad; I do think that unexamined judgments can be incredibly harmful both to myself and to others. So I agree with you … that discretion is necessary in life. Sometimes we have to check ourselves: why am I thinking this? Why am I feeling this? Most times, I have discovered, my judgment is more of a reflection of myself than of the person I am judging. I know that I have a lot of work to do still to become a better person – to become myself and I am working toward growing into that every day. I think it always starts with the self. And the internet can make it incredibly difficult for people to use discretion. Its difficult to articulate the complexity of what you might be thinking or feeling in response to someone else. Words come out wrong or are read the wrong way. The internet is in many ways a breeder of misunderstanding. But we have to take it all in stride. We have to use it as a tool to try to understand people better. I think that you do a fabulous job of this — this post is certainly evidence of that!