Sweet Relief
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As some of you have probably picked up on, I’ve had a bit of a hard time since Little Girl’s arrival. I don’t know why but I expected that since we had done this twice before, this third go at parenthood would be a bit of a breeze. I anticipated the sleeplessness and the hurricane of hormones and the kiddie chaos, but all of this was familiar territory and I felt confident and well-equipped. I was a bit smug, frankly, about this transition to a family of five.
Well. It has been a wonderful three-months-plus, but it has also been difficult at times. I am still trying to figure out why, to excavate the regal rubble at my feet. One reason I think it’s been hard is that Little Girl is very likely my last child. As someone who loves being pregnant and loves babies and wants to have oodles of children, this is a hard realization for me. Even before Little Girl was born, I felt myself mourning the ticking by of my pregnant days. Each time my tiniest girl gets another month under her bitty belt, I think, if unconsciously, I will most likely never have a one-month-old, two-month-old, etc. again. Now, I know that we are profoundly fortunate to have three little girls at home. I know this. But there is something about the finality that saddens me.
And then. Then there have been some health hiccups with our smallest babe. Nothing truly major, but it doesn’t take major to worry this mommy. Six weeks ago (I think), I changed my baby’s diaper and saw blood. Now, I didn’t panic because I had a good sense of what was happening. Blood is a sign of allergy. Middle Girl had a milk protein allergy and this was the way it manifested, so I pretty much knew what we were dealing with. Still, I was scared. I rushed my little creature to the pediatrician and confirmed this. Another child with a milk intolerance.
And so. Like last time, I cut all dairy and soy out of my diet so I could continue nursing. This meant not eating out or ordering in. With Husband’s wonderful help, I prepared every single meal for myself to assure that no forbidden ingredients slipped into my system. But, alas, Little Girl’s symptoms did not get better. After three weeks of this elimination diet, our pediatrician told me I should stop nursing. And so I did. Being told I had to stop nursing my likely last child at two-plus months made me incredibly sad. We moved to a prescription formula. The same formula that Middle Girl was switched to years ago.
While Middle Girl transitioned like a champ, Little Girl was not having it. She hated the formula and screamed when we tried to feed her. My voracious little eater started to refuse food. And she stopped gaining weight. Worse? Her symptoms still did not go away. We were sent to a GI specialist. For the past several weeks, I have wrestled with my child to eat something she detests when all I wanted to do was nurse her. For the past several weeks, I have been worried, anxious, and preoccupied.
It has been hard.
Yesterday was a great day. I took Little Girl to a follow-up pediatrician appointment (we have been going every week = way too often). In the examination room, my baby smiled as I undressed her. I peeled off her diaper and placed her on the scale. My heart raced as I watched the numbers dance. And then I saw it. She had gained six ounces in one week! And they tested all of her diapers (yes, I have been collecting diapers in my fridge for six weeks) and they all came back negative for blood. I cannot express to you the wave of relief that rushed over me.
Instantly, I felt lighter.
I’m not sure why I haven’t talked about this ordeal here on the blog. Certainly, it’s been on my mind. Really, it’s been one of the main reasons why I’ve been a bit distant here, and in the blog land in general. I guess that when this all transpired, I felt the urge to shrink inward, to protect myself and my family, to keep quiet. But the truth was, and is, that I needed support – from people in my life. And that means you. By keeping this hush-hush, I ended up dealing with so much of this alone. And this made it even harder.
Truth be told, I don’t have any regrets about how I navigated the past six weeks. I followed my instincts and leaned on those very close to me. I weathered my worry in a private way. And now? Now things are good. My gorgeous little girl is super healthy and super happy. She continues to bless us with big gummy smiles and big nights of sleep. I have figured out a way to add vanilla flavoring to her wretched formula and she seems to dig it a bit more. I have no doubt she will be a delectably chunky (and bald!) babe just like her doting big sisters once were.
Today? Today I am relieved. That my Little Girl is okay. I am also relieved that I am finally telling you about this. I know it’s not the biggest deal in the world and that many kids these days deal with food allergies and intolerances, but it’s been a bit of a rough road for me.
Maybe I worry too much. Or maybe I am a mother and I worry the perfect amount.
Anyway, today is good day. A day full of the sweet relief. And I wanted you to know.
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Are you good about sharing your struggles while you are experiencing them? Why do you think I had the urge to keep this experience private? Have you had weathered any major or minor health scares within your family?
I can confirm that time with what you think will be the last one is so precious and also so fleeting. Sometimes I think I was more particular and careful (aka worried always) with #3 than even with the other 2. Maybe it is a deep seated Mama Gene???
Anyway…great post and I am so glad today was a beautiful day for you and yours!
I’m so glad your Little Girl is doing better. What a frustrating and frightening time to endure!
I tend not to share troubles, either – partially the instinct of a wounded animal, to hide away until healed. Mostly, though, it’s because even well-meaning people can say things that make whatever it is I’m going through worse. Then there are those few mean-spirited ones who deliberately try to make it worse. The few people that I know without a doubt I can rely on for comfort and good advice, I can talk to privately. I don’t think it’s a bad thing, to want to protect ourselves and our families in times of trouble. I just wish we didn’t live in a world where it was so necessary.
I am happy to hear that your baby girl is doing better. It’s understandable that you held back with all that was going on in your life. Sometimes holding back makes us feel more in control of the situation.
Enjoy your day and the many more to come
Oh Aidan that is a lot to deal with! Nothing is more stressful than having a sick child with an unknown problem, especially when they are so tiny! I am glad you were able to figure out the issue and solve it.
It would be terribly hard to give up nursing your likely last child at such a young age. It’s okay and probably important to allow yourself to mourn that loss.
Hang in there!
First I want to say that I am glad little girl is so much better.
I think that the reason we don’t say anything about our worries, is that we don’t want to worry the ones we love even more. We maybe feel that if we stay calm, the situation will keep calm.
My son had the same problem as a child and it was a big deal trying to figure out what he could and couldn’t eat. Now that he is older he knows instinctively what will upset his stomach and is very careful about what he eats, (although I have to confess, sometimes I have to remind him, when he complains about his stomach).
Another great post!
It’s extremely stressful to try to figure out food intolerances and allergies! My 2-year-old had milk-soy protein intolerance (and, it turns out, egg), so I did the elimination diet while nursing. You’re right that it’s nearly impossible to eat out. Soy is in everything! I am carefully watching my two-week-old baby for similar symptoms. So far, so good! I don’t blame you for feeling blue about having to give up the nursing!
Aidan, it gladens my heart to “hear” the relief in your voice. Trying to figure out a food allergy isn’t easy and it’s definitely more difficult when you add in anxiety over whether or not your little one is eating enough. I can understand you keeping this struggle private. I do the same. Almost as if I’m circling the wagons emtionally. Only when things have passed then I share.
I am very happy to hear Little Girl is doing well. What a frightening time for you and your family!
When I’m going through a struggle I tend to keep it private (husband, close family and friends). I attribute this to the fact that, in general, I’m a very private person. Also, I think by not making a struggle public that I, in some way, have control over it.
So glad that Little Girl is feeling better — and that you are, too! I can’t imagine the anxiety I will face as a parent… I’m anxious enough as a 25-year-old daughter, sister, girlfriend. But I’m still looking forward to it.
I tend to shoulder burdens in a private way, too, and it’s been a major hurdle for me to jump. The people who love me want nothing more than to help me, console me, comfort me — and my gut instinct is to retreat inward and suffer in silence, dealing with things myself rather than draw others into my fray. But that’s not healthy — I know that. I know that I have to keep the door open, let others in, not keep anyone at arm’s length. It’s a daily struggle, but I’ve found it so freeing to let others be there for me. It still scares me to open up, but I do it. I try.
So glad it’s a good day. You’re most fortunate to have that closeknit family to lean on and support you. Cherish them.
And worry goes along with the maternal cloth, doesn’t it? Some of us are more wired to worry, and it gets a little easier as they grow more independent.
I’ve actually been thinking about you, and wondering how Little Girl’s allergies were faring. I’m glad the clouds are clearing and that you’ve finally got some sunshine back in your life (and those diapers out of your fridge!). We all weather these storms in our own ways and you did what was right for you. Congrats on getting through this rough patch – your resilience is inspiring.
Aidan, this sounds like it must have been so stressful! We had lots of GI issues with our newest member, and it was heart wrenching at times. And diapers in the freezer? What a good mommy you are. So glad to hear that she’s gaining weight and that things seem to be smoothing themselves out.
Aidan, I am very happy to hear that your daughter is doing better. It is terribly hard to watch our children go through hard moments and in some ways even harder when they are unable to verbally express what they are feeling.
I write because I love words. I write because it makes my heart sing and my soul happy. And I write because it is cathartic.
When my father lay in that hospital bed, tied to machines the blog helped keep me sane.
But there have been moments and experiences that I didn’t write about. There have been times where I couldn’t bring myself to lay pen to paper.
I don’t question those moments- they happen and I just go with them. I suppose that doesn’t really answer your question, but…
I am so glad she is doing better. What a relief. Parenting is so bittersweet, no matter what. It is so precious and goes by so fast!
I am relieved for you that little girl is doing better. The interchange between worrying and waiting is unbearable.
Recently, my mom underwent a health scare and I did write about it. The cancer word came up again and we were all quite afraid. Luckily the biospy was negative.
I am so glad to hear that all is well. I am the first to blab away at things I should likely keep to myself. However, there have been a few instances in the past year where I’ve kept my mouth quiet. It is the most distressful situations that cause this I think. For that reason, I know you must have been worried so much. Take care.
oh aidan… there are tears in my eyes just reading this, as the details echo so much of what we went through with jackson. it’s scary. all of it is so scary, whether you are a first time parent or a third time parent.
(and ohmygoodness i have not thought about the diaper collection for a while…)
you’re precious little one is in my thoughts, as are you.
So glad that little girl is healthy and you are able to relax and enjoy her without the worries that I am sure were overwhelming! I have a five month old little girl and she is my third and last and I am having all the same feelings about her being my last baby and how fast it is going. I have been a long time reader but haven’t commented much. Love your blog.