The Post I Shouldn’t Publish
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I shouldn’t publish this post. Really. I should not do it.
But here I am. Doing it.
Confession: That post from yesterday? The one where I admitted that I am positively shredded with exhaustion because my newborn is not sleeping through the night? Well, I wrote it Sunday when I felt sufficiently energized to string words together. (This is not every day these days. Hello, no sleep.) Anyway, I wrote it and then I lined it up to go live yesterday. And guess what happened? Monday night – the night before the post self-published – Little Girl slept through the night! I put her in her crib at 8:20pm and didn’t hear a peep from her until 5am. Not bad, huh? And when I heard that peep which turned pretty quickly into a robust shout, I hopped out of bed smiling ready to go feed her. But then. I got to her crib and realized she was only half-awake. I slipped her pacifier in and she slept until 7:45am! In fact, I woke her at 7:45am to feed her.
And so. I shouldn’t be writing this or publishing this because I fear I am jinxing things. As many of us parents know, the minute we say aloud that our kids are sleeping they stop sleeping. A good friend of mine actually has a code word for sleep – “kayak” – so that this does not happen to her. She speaks often of how long her kids have been kayaking, but never utters the S-word.
But I had to write this. Because after my post, after my honesty, there suddenly appears to be a light at the end of this treasured but tricky tunnel. I am feeling a surge of optimism and energy. I am also beginning to think that there is an immense magic in being truthful about these things – to ourselves, to others. Maybe it is when we recognize that there is a stubborn knot in life’s string that it begins to unravel? Maybe this seems a stretch, but I don’t think so.
I think that so many of us go through our days denying things. I think we tell ourselves stories. I think we pretend. That all is peachy. That there is an admirable and perfect order. We concoct fictions because fictions can be pretty. But you know what? Fictions are not true.
Truth matters. Sincerity – when it comes to self and struggle – is paramount. The moment we admit something, something small but sharp, there is an incomparable release. Change cannot happen if we don’t recognize that we want it to happen, that we need it to happen.
And so. On this silly Wednesday when I am awash in little girls who sustain me and torture me, I am telling this story. About a baby who upon her mother’s quasi-declaration of defeat decided to sleep and sleep soundly. And maybe this is all foolish, it probably is, but I will take that risk. Because herein lies a message.
Tell the truth. Even about the hard bits.
Maybe, just maybe, it will pay off.
Little Girl, please keep sleeping or ‘kayaking’. I will call it whatever I need to as long as you keep doing it! 
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What are you struggling with recently? Come on – admitting it might make the situation instantly better! Have you ever noticed that being honest about something really does make it easier? Do you think that by announcing your victories you are jinxing yourself or is that bogus?
Oh, I am jealous! My baby is only one week old, and he is SO turned around in terms of day and night. I’ve been lucky to get a couple hours a night right now. I need to remind myself that this really hard part is short term!
So glad to hear you (and little girl) are sleeping. I cannot imagine a sleepless night!
Woo Hoo! Glad to hear a good night’s sleep finally found you!
I too struggle with how much to publish, worrying about those pesky jinxes. I’ve learned to be more open though, like this past spring when I was nursing a very ill sheep back to health. I even posted pictures of her, seeming in recovery. She died within 48 hours of that post. I thought about letting the pictures be the last word on her, and let my readers think she was out in the pasture somewhere, that I was a good farmer whose animals always thrive. But in the end I posted the real ending, and the comments that came weren’t critical, in fact they were so supportive it made it a bit easier. So I guess how much truth we share can be tricky, and I’m thinking it’s different for everyone, and even for the same person in different situations. But I do think it’s important to not always paint a rosy picture, to be real…otherwise I don’t think it would be possible to be writing a very compelling blog. Readers are drawn to both the triumphs AND the tragedies.
My struggles? I guess lately it has been the balance of business and home…because they are the same place. I get so many strangers emailing me, wanting me to open the farm stand or arrange some sort of food pickup just for them at hours of their own choosing, not my standard ones. (Somehow, the regular customers don’t expect tis of me!) I’m learning to say no. While I did try to bend over backwards for the “customer is always right” thing in the past, I’ve realized that it means not valuing my own time. So, at the risk of selling a few fewer eggs or veggies, I’m leaning that it’s OK to put myself first sometimes, that I can have a day off, too, and do something fun instead of tying myself to the farm 24/7 (as long as the animals are fed, anyways). The struggle is to remember this and not feel guilty about not catering to every potential customer out there.
This cracked me up
Good for you Aidan!!
There is always a light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how dark the tunnel may seem.
Glad that baby slept, it’s funny that you woke her up to feed her, because we want them to sleep, then when they do, we check on them all the time to make sure they’re alright.
At the moment I am struggling with staying in education or leaving. I find the system here so very different and I am wondering if all this licensing etc., is worth it.
Since coming to NYC as a qualified teacher from London, I have had to redo my Masters and it has cost me so much and right now my mind feels like change, but my heart says no – what to do?
Again a great post, always hitting the nail right on the head!
Yay little girl!
I’ve been struggling with leaning how to find a balance between working and having time for myself- or more like having energy for myself when i get home!
You do know that it is sort of a loaded question to ask what people are struggling with. You never know what sort of response you’ll receive.
Hope this becomes a pattern for Little Girl and she continues to kayak (love that btw) through the night – have to say I’m a little jealous!
recently, i’ve struggled w/the battle of the bulge. i honestly do love the program that i started, but its honestly not as easy as i’ve been pretending it is. and i am afraid to acknowledge the weight that i’ve lost b/c i truly believe if i utter the numbers outloud, i will begin to suddenly plateau…the dieters’ proverbial nightmare, right? i have a friend who, just as she begins to get real about her homelife, reverts right back to fluff and wonderfulness of her everyday moments. its disheartening (and more-so, frustrating) when a person can’t trust a friendship enough to let her guard down. its like when you enter a friends home and she apologizes for the mess, but there’s no mess to be seen. what does she really want to say to me, and why can’t she say it? i’m finally to the point that i just won’t pretend anymore…my house, my kids, my weight, my relationship w/my spouse…it is what it is…take me or leave me, but i’m doing my best. it has taken the pressure off, to say the least. as usual, aidan, great post. you make me think and assess.
Oh the beauty of them sleeping through the night – glorious. I don’t remember a lot about the early years, but I remember those first moments of waking to realize that the baby gave you the greatest gift ever – uninterrupted sleep for more than 4 hours! Congrats – and I know about the whole jinxing thing too. Hoping it doesn’t work out that way.
I love what you have said here and I think it is so true. The truth matters and it is important that we take the time to acknowledge the truth and accept whatever consequences might follow.
I’m glad that you finally got some rest and I am happy that you felt that you could share it with all of your readers!
I am currently sleeping too much. Boyfriend is away and I am working a lot less than I hoped I would this summer. I feel purposeless right now as I work my way through this strange transition from college grad to graduate student. I’m still worried about money and losing weight – things that usually keep me awake at night – but I am finding some peace in slumber. It’s almost like I’m making up for all the sleep I lost during my four very hectic unddergrad years. The future is coming and with it lots of change. I’m just trying to prepare for all of that.