Why Do Men Cheat?
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“Love is a game in which one always cheats.”
Honore de Balzac
Calm down. This post isn’t about me. Or Husband.
This post is about men. And in particular, powerful, political men. Why do they cheat on their often very beautiful wives? And why do they do so in such conspicuous, offensive ways?
Unless you’ve been living under a big, fat rock (or tending to a tiny, chubby newborn) you’ve heard something about the sexual scandals surrounding Arnold Schwarzenegger, IMF Chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn, and Anthony Weiner. The details are distinct in each case – a household employee and a ten-year-old, an unsuspecting hotel maid, and wildly inappropriate Twit pics – but the overarching theme is the same here: Sexual Misbehavin’. What gives?
At lunch several weeks ago, Mom turned to Husband and said: What do you have to say for your sex?
It was a funny and jarring question because we were at the time talking about the Manhattan Kindergarten process. Husband was a bit taken aback I think and I don’t remember him or any of us coming up with a robust theory on the recent rash of sexual stories and their protagonists, but here I am – weeks later – pondering an incarnation of Mom’s question.
Why do men – and powerful men in particular – partake in infidelity or act out sexually?
I don’t pretend to have an answer on this one. Do they mess around because, simply, they can? Does power, once accrued, go to one’s head? Do these men really think that they can, and will, get away with their antics?
And why is it the men who are in the headlines? Are women in politics cheating just as much but being more careful?
In a recent article in the New York Times entitled “When It Comes to Scandal, Girls Won’t Be Boys,” author Sheryl Gay Stolberg posits that it is men who get caught up in these scandals because men and women have very different reasons for entering politics in the first place. Women, she argues, run for office to do something. Men, on the other hand, per Stolberg, run for office to “be somebody.” She writes,
Research points to a substantial gender gap in the way women and men approach running for office. Women have different reasons for running, are more reluctant to do so and, because there are so few of them in politics, are acutely aware of the scrutiny they draw — all of which seems to lead to differences in the way they handle their jobs once elected.
Ultimately, is this really about gender, or power, or politics at all though? Or does this, in some undetermined way, boil down to biology?
This post contains more questions than answers. I’m aware of that. But they are interesting questions, no? And important too.
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What do you make of all the recent political scandals? Why do men cheat? Why do powerful/political men cheat? Do you agree that men and women enter politics for different reasons? Pony up your theories, people!
Love this post Aidan. I love your questions. Do you think men cheat because it’s accepted/they see other examples. There was a 2nd hotel maid scandal and I wondered if this is almost contagious. Is this like when I read a restaurant review and want to go to the restaurant? Are less “powerful” men less likely to cheat? Or do women approach more powerful men more/attracted to power (no not case with innocent hotel employee). I think women cheat too but are more discrete.
I don’t think only “powerful” men cheat. (It’s also not just men, but I’m going to focus on them, anyway) I think the media attention magnifies those instances of public figures by virtue of those men being well-known, and more “worthy” of public interest/scrutiny. Then, once one scandal breaks, it’s just a matter of time before the next one does. With that being said, I think power does come into play, in a couple of ways. I think many men may cheat to feel more powerful/adored. I think that’s true for blue collar average Joe as much as it is for Mr. Business Mogul or Mr. Politician. On the flip side, with power (i.e., the public figure/wealth kind) comes many opportunities and resources to indulge those cravings for power and adoration. I do think many public figures are insecure at their core; they feed off their fans/supporters/publicity to develop their own self-worth. Maybe they cheat because it makes them feel more valued. Maybe they are subconsciously destroying a life they don’t feel they deserve to begin with. After all that, a more fascinating question in my mind is, for men who don’t cheat, what keeps them faithful?
What keeps faithful men faithful? I agree 100% that this is a far more fascinating question. I remember something from many years ago. Husband and I were climbing into bed at our old place. We were just married and had not yet embarked upon the kid thing. I was watching an old Oprah episode wherein she spoke with a relationship expert who stated some super-scary statistic that something like half of married men will cheat at some point. (Patently, I don’t remember the details.) I remember turning to Husband and saying, “Please don’t ever cheat.” He looked at me like I was a bit crazy (and admittedly I am) and said, “I won’t, babe.” In my heart of hearts, I trust that he won’t, but, again, the question is: Why do some men stay devoted? Is it how they are wired? The integrity and quality of the relationships in which they find themselves? Lack of opportunity? I don’t pretend to know…
I’m not sure that cheating is more prevalent among politicians. I just think it’s more of a headline than when your neighbor/friend/father (in my case) cheats on his wife. As for the difference between men versus women and cheating…I don’t know. My best friend (female) just had an affair so I can’t say that it’s less common in females. This article talks about how politicians aren’t any different than the rest of us. http://www.cnn.com/2011/OPINION/06/09/cain.weiner.scandal/index.html?iref=allsearch
I am so glad you wrote this, Allison, because the whole time I was writing my post I was thinking: Is this really about politics or just humanity? Is this really about men or just all of us? I think there is something about exaggerated about the political landscape that makes these stories seem more extreme, but I do think this stuff happens all the time to all of us more “regular” people. I look forward to checking out the CNN article; Thanks so much for the link!
So many questions, and good ones. I always guessed it had something to do with power. Also, it seems like anyone famous/in a position of power will have members of the opposite sex willing to sleep with them, even (especially??) under “secret” conditions. I wonder, do these women understand, or care, that they are being used? (Because really, how many of these politicians are really going to leave the wife for the mistress?) Or are the girls just drawn to that power like a moth, unable to resist?
Do you love my mommy brain slip? Patently, I meant IMF Chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn. Am at the playground but will edit post later! (Thx, Sister C, for pointing out this embarrassing error!)
Terrific topic. I heard a guest on NPR talking about this in reference to the Dominique Strauss-Kahn events. Her perspective was that men at that level of power have incredible arrogance. They are used to deferrential treatment and subordination. For some of these men that arroagance manifests itself sexually. Perhaps if they’d chosen other career paths they might have been garden variety cheaters. Or perhaps without the arrogance afforded by power they might not have strayed in the first place. I don’t really know. But I do think that the means (both financial and influence) that come with this kind of power contribute to the extent of the misbehavior.
Men cheat because they can. Powerful men cheat because they feel entitled.
Women cheat as well, but I suspect with a bit more selectivity then men.
Very interesting questions. Questions I have pondered before but couldn’t come up with an answer.
Yes, I do believe that men, who are in the spotlight a) tend to think they can get away with it and b) because they feel entitled.
The question is: why do they feel this way and what is different about men who can stay devoted?
I had this theory way back when I was young (I had a theory for everything). It has to do with genitals. Men’s outside genitals means that they look as sex as something external – not an integral part of them. It’s just an action, not part of their being. Women’s genitals being internal – sex for them is an internal thing – part of who they are.
I think the thing we forget when these scandals erupt is that monogamy is a choice. A much underappreciated choice. No one gets extra credit for remaining faithful to a marriage; one only gets demerits for its opposite. We all know that the natural state of affairs isn’t monogamy, and yet we never take the time to evaluate why we, ourselves, choose it, and why others might not. True, if a couple is going to choose not to be monogamous, it’s better if they BOTH choose that, but monogamy ain’t easy, and few of us, men and women, succeed 100% of the time. Furthermore, even the word “cheat” presupposes that monogamy is the norm and that cheaters are somehow getting away with something. Part of this is modernity and equality between the sexes, but we’ve all heard the story of Francois Mitterand’s mistress and wife standing nearly side by side at his funeral. Once upon a not-so-long-ago time, husbands and wives had separate bedrooms after all. Til death do us part made no explicit mention of sexual fidelity – it was widely assumed that both partners would have other partners, but that the marriage would be preserved.
That being said, here are some attempts at answers:
Powerful men don’t cheat more than regular men, it’s just that their infidelities are more newsworthy.
Yes. They don’t think they’ll get caught. For more on this see also: hand in cookie jar, $500 shoe purchase on credit card, tax evasion, speeding, telling couple you don’t like that you’re busy the night they’ve invited you over for dinner.
Men don’t cheat more than women, it’s just far less socially acceptable for a man to admit that his wife stepped out on him than for a woman to publicize her victimhood at the hands of the evil cheating husband.
Marriages do feature two people who, as time goes on and for many reasons, have sex less. Does this mean the people in the marriage like sex less, or like sex with one another less? And it they still like sex, which of the following sounds most natural: have no sex, have sex with someone you don’t want to have sex with, have sex with someone you DO want to have sex with?
Sex appeal doesn’t always have to do with aesthetics. Quite often it has to do with availability (for examples, please reflect on your own high school/summer camp/Eurail trip experiences).
I’m getting married in the fall after 14 years with my husband. We both know that in doing so we are making a conscious choice of sexual fidelity (along with a whole host of other fidelities). I would argue that knowing this will allow us to take more pride in the successful execution of our fidelity (I should say the presumed and hoped-for successful execution), not to take it for granted as I fear so many others do. But it’s doubtful anyone will take the time do forensically account for our faith to this commitment. Because other than the two of us, no one cares with whom we sleep. The same can’t be said for people in the public eye, but assuming that just because they’re in the public eye, they’re any less stupid than the rest of us, is setting one’s self up for sure disappointment.
I was just talking with my sister about this as we sat in lounge chairs on the beach last week.
The thing that I was wondering is not so much why they cheat, but what they tell themselves about their chances of getting caught.
In the age of digital communication and no guarantee whatsoever of privacy (and in fact, a virtual guarantee that if someone wanted to, they could find every phone number you’ve ever dialed along with every email or text you’ve ever sent), what sort of self-deception are these guys practicing?
Do they tell themselves that they won’t get caught? Do they think that the evidence will really disappear or that no one will look? Do they suppose that their denials will be believed? That even if they get caught, they can hold on to their marriage/position/reputation/etc?
These are the questions that fascinate me!
Cheating breaks hearts. It tears a deep hole in the soul. It destroys lives. It changes children. It hurts like a deer being shot between the eyes over and over again.
If you have a choice? Don’t do it.