Wish Me Luck!
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For the next two weeks, Nanny is on vacation. That’s fourteen days. Or 363 hours. Or 20160 minutes without help with the twinkling trio. Not that I’m counting.
Clearly I’m counting. And being dramatic. I will of course have the help of my dear Husband when he’s not working. We will be in Cape Cod for a long weekend over the Fourth of July with extended family and will have a ton of support. But. There will be several stretches of time in the near future when I will be flying solo with the girls. ‘Tis true.
I’m psyched. I know it will be a juggling act. I know I will be a stroller chauffeur between camp and home. I know the chaos will be legendary, but there is an important part of me that craves this challenge, and believes that I will – despite my trepidations – triumph.
I’m scared. I know that so many of you have very little assistance with your children and are graceful do-it-all-ers… But – for better or worse – I am not among this breed. Nanny has been with us since Big Girl was three months. I’ve gotten used to, and come to celebrate, good help. And maybe this makes me weak or spoiled or sensible – or maybe some combination of the three – but the next bit of time will be a departure from the norm for me and I’m nervous that I won’t hack it. That I’ll be outnumbered and overwhelmed. That I’ll get my mommy booty kicked by my beauties. (I will.)
Anyway. I’m here asking you to wish me luck. And I’m not sure what my blogging will look like over the next two weeks given all this. Initially, I thought this would be a good chunk of time to press pause and focus on family, but the more I think about it, the more I realize that you guys might be able to support me – and keep me sane – during this time.
Okay, I must run and grab that shower before the craziness commences 
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Are you good at managing your life on your own or do you tend to rely on help? Do you think it makes me spoiled or sensible that I am so dependent on domestic support? Do you think that people are hesitant to admit that they depend upon, and need, help with their kids? Any tips on how to successfully survive the next bit of time with my bitty ones? Do you agree that blogs – and virtureal friends – offer us the friendship and support we sometimes might not get in our “real lives”?
I always find that these gaps make for some spectacular meltdowns, but also an awful lot of joyful memories. Wishing you luck!
I think you’re a little spoiled. But that’s also because I’m jealous. I’m definitely known to take advantage of the help I get—I’ll pawn off all diaper duty and baby washing I can on my husband on the weekends or my mother when she visits. Of course, when they leave, all hell breaks loose as I go back to my regularly scheduled program.
And at that, I don’t know/understand the UMC Manhattanite culture—it seems (stereotypically), like this is the norm for your group, whereas where I’m from, nannies just don’t happen. Of course, before moving to Louisiana, I thought private school was only something that rich people and New Yorkers (whom I generally automatically place in that UMC culture that I’m ascribing you to) did, and while I thought, “It would be nice to send my kids to private school,” it didn’t occur to me that this was almost certainly what we’ll end up doing; here, if it is at all within the realm of possibility, private school is just about the only option.
But regardless of spoiledness v. levels of cultural assimilation, you’re going to have a fun and busy couple of weeks! For tips—Get as much done as you can while they’re sleeping (apparently you already know this one)! Once my kids are too old for naps, we will still be holding quiet time, because I swear that’s the only time I actually get anything done. If you and Nanny and the girls already have a pretty regular schedule, keep following that as much as you can. (Flexible) Schedules are sanity savers. If you feel up to it, get out of the house. If not, there’s nothing wrong with a Pixar marathon.
Good luck!
GOOD LUCK! But you will do fine! Have a talk with Big Girl and make her second in command or your first mate for the next two weeks to “help out” and “make plans for activities.” Not only is it a great esteem builder but almost a guarantee that Middle Girl will follow big sister’s lead and you will have two very big, and cooperating, helpers on your hands to combat the chaos. When the chaos starts to creep in you will be amazed at how simply making the comment, “What do you think First Mate? What shall we do now?” will redirect any child almost immediately!
Honestly? This is fantastic advice. I think Big Girl will be honored to be my “First Mate” and having her “help” me will make the next two weeks much smoother. Thanks!
I was a “mother’s helper” all through college and there was never one time that this “First Mate” method failed me! Also, I want to point out that a lot of these judgements being tossed about are based in misunderstandings of 1) We all live in different cultures within cultures and if you do not live it you most likely do not get it, and 2) old fashion thinking of the uses of a Nanny. I am a stay at home mom with no help, however, I would jump on the chance if it was possible because I know the benefits far outweigh any negative. As I said, I was a mother’s helper while in college and these women I worked for are anything but spoiled. I imagine that when some on here saw the word NANNY they automatically envisioned you high atop a luxury NYC penthouse balcony sipping on a highball and “ordering” nanny to “keep them children quiet, clean, and out of the way. As you simply have too much to do like manicures and lunch with the ladies.” Granted some of that MAY be true (I doubt it is), I have found it is just not like that in reality. I was there to HELP the mother, not be the mother and the children and parents and even I all benefited from the process. The mother was able to truly BE THERE with her children because she was not burnt out to the core and worrying about the 5 million other things she has to do and I learned some valuable mothering experience that has made having my own child go so much easier. You sound blessed, and GRATEFUL for Nanny and that makes you anything but spoiled…in my opinion.
You will be amazed at the strength you have and how well the time will pass – and how quickly.
I’ll admit that the concept of having a nanny is a bit foreign to me (in those households where there is a parent at home during the day). However, we ALL need help sometimes. As my four have gotten older (and added sports into the mix), carpools have become a necessary part of our existence.
Here’s something I know: You’ll be fine. You’ll have fun! You may be tired, but that’s a given for the next 18 years or so.
You’re asking the question, so I’ll answer honestly: Spoiled.
If you’re lucky enough to be able to stay home with your kids, I don’t understand why you wouldn’t be the one to watch/take care of them. Yes, we all can use an extra hand from time to time. Every couple of months my mom will watch my four for an afternoon so I can get my hair cut or go out to lunch. And I trade off with a friend when driving to preschool. But I’m the mom, and they’re my responsibility. I also work from home, so it can be difficult, but again, we choose to have children — it IS a bit pathetic to need “luck” to be with them for two weeks.
More than anything, I appreciate your honesty here. One of my paramount goals on this blog is to be honest myself so I welcome truth in the comments.
Okay, now it’s my turn to respond candidly to your comment. I think that your words smack of unnecessary judgment. If you have read more than a couple of my posts here on ILI, you will know that I am absolutely in love with my girls and spend tons of time with them. I am the one dropping off and picking up at school and camp. I am the one at birthday parties. I am the one feeding and bathing and tickling and teaching the vast majority of the time. I think of myself first and foremost as a mother; This is hands down my most important role and I take it very seriously.
That said, I do have some help. Nanny is a smart and sensitive soul who assists me some of the time. She allows me to spend some one-on-one or one-on-two time with my girls. She allows me to work out from time to time. She allows me to write – hey, this is what I hope to be a long and prolific career. She also allows Husband and me to have a quiet dinner together now and again. I see nothing wrong with these things.
This post? It was honest and also a bit tongue-in-cheek. Patently, I don’t need “luck” to spend the next two weeks with my girls. I guess I was just coming to this safe spot of mine to express my insecurities about going it alone for the next stretch even if I am ultimately confident that I will do just fine.
Am I defensive? Indeed. In part because I am a very involved and loving mom even if I do things a bit differently than you do. More so though, I am defensive for a more global reason. I think we parents are way too quick to judge each other. And, in the end, I think these judgments are unfortunate and fracturing and, for the most part, spring from insecurity. None of us here is the perfect parent, but I think most of us are good ones. Aren’t we all just doing the best we can?
Am I spoiled? Maybe so. I’m happy to be labeled as such. But I’m not cool with insinuations that I am delegating parenting or that I am not interested in raising my own creatures.
But again? Thank you for being honest. I can only imagine that we are starting a difficult, but important debate here.
I apologize. You’re right — I was quick to judge. And I’m not perfect. But here’s where I’m coming from: Last night I volunteered at a center in a low-income/high-crime area where almost all of the households are run by single moms who work out of the home full-time. Moms who would give anything to have the opportunity to be with their kids during the day. They struggle to find safe daycare that they can afford. Some weep that they have to leave their too young children home alone. I can’t imagine their reaction at reading a post like this.
I don’t doubt your love or dedication to your children. (I have read many of your other posts.) I also don’t think you wrote this to hurt anyone — you were simply airing your feelings. You have that right, and as a mom, believe me, I understand. But to the moms I’m talking about right now, to ask for luck (yes, I realize this was tongue-in-cheek) at running your household without help for two weeks would be…incomprehensible.
Would I accept extra help from time to time if I had the means? Yes. So, again, I apologize for writing a swift reply born after a sleepless night with those who are truly in need. It’s a matter of perspective. I will bow out of the conversation now, and simply wish you well.
Maggie – I very much appreciate this follow-up. Reading your comment before, I assumed that there was more to the story. That you have been spending time with mothers who would give anything to stay home with their little ones no doubt affects your perspective here. I respect that.
I am also thankful for this follow-up for another, if related, reason. I am aware that my issues and struggles are far more minor than the issues and struggles of others. I know that there are people who are homeless and sick and at war. I know that when it comes down to it, I have a very “charmed life.” (I hate that expression). That said, I am a human being and I do struggle with things and often – even within the confines of my admittedly privileged existence. So the question here is – should I just keep my mouth shut and my fingers still? Or should I speak and be honest, type and be true?
As you well know, I’ve chosen the latter approach. I think there is something vastly important about being authentic about who we are and what we face as people. I think that life can be lonely if we don’t share our stories. Even if they aren’t prototypical sob stories.
I’m curious to hear what you and others here think?
(And I’m actually pleased with the bit of controversy here. These are difficult topics and I’m glad you triggered this conversation. So. Again. Thank you.)
Aidan– my life is probably the opposite of yours. My husband and I struggle financially and we do with a lot less so that I can follow my dreams by writing and editing full time (my magazine is run by volunteers and brings in no extra money as of yet). So, I do get where Maggie is coming from.
However, I think every person has their own personal struggles. And I think you are right and brave to share yours. Talking about your personal issues does not negate the seriousness of those of another person. On the contrary, I think it shows that underneath it all we are all people. And if more people would look at the world that way the struggles we all face every day might be lessened, because we would be more in tune with the plight of our neighbor, whether they have more than we do or not.
Everyone, no matter your income or bank account numbers, needs a friend and we all need help of some sort sometime or another.
I think it’s a real shame that we in this culture think that being a stay-at-home mother means doing it all ourselves – that it’s a sign of weakness to need help. From the brief periods in my life that I have had help (which is usually one or both of my parents visiting, or us spending a week with them), I know that having an extra person around to give me a chance to, oh I don’t know, go to the bathroom with the door closed, even, or more seriously, go to another room when I’m feeling frustrated, give myself a chance to calm down without worrying about the littles destroying something or hurting themselves … that makes me a better mother, not worse. In fact, I often worry that I’m not giving as much of myself to my girls, simply because I’m so exhausted from trying to be full-time wife, mommy, cook, housekeeper (and squeeze in writing time, because I’d wither away to nothingness without that) that I don’t have the strength to give them all the attention I would like.
So much for the general idea of having help, *even* (or especially?) as a stay-at-home mom! For the next few weeks, Aidan, I think you are going to do great. For one, you’re already aware of the difficulties, and preparing yourself for them. For another, and more importantly, you love your girls absolutely and unconditionally, and no matter how tiring or frustrating some of these days might be, you will get through them because of that love.
I second everything Louise said!
Agreed!!!!!!!
I agree too!
I definitely think you’re “spoiled”. I’m not ready for the kids yet, but I have a feeling I’ll have to keep working to afford them. So the idea of staying home AND having help is hard to comprehend. BUT if I could afford that– I’d probably take advantage of it. In a perfect world I’d have a maid, a nanny, and the money to get regular mani/pedi’s. So I don’t blame you one bit! You’re still very involved in their lives and are relaxed enough to enjoy their company.
oh for crying out loud, it takes a village to raise kiddos. no matter who is involved in helping us with our children, whether it’s friends, neighbors, nannies, family members, perfect strangers picking up a bottle that fell on the floor in a restaurant… who cares? all of us need help at one point or another (and if you’re like me, you need a lot of help) so just wish aidan luck and keep your judgments to yourself. or, if you can’t bring yourself to wish luck to a “pathetic,” honest mother, then just close your browser and move on.
I think “spoiled” has much more to do with a person’s attitude about privilege than the privilege itself. “Spoiled” happens when a person takes for granted what she has. I know that this is not the case with you.
You know full well how fortunate you are to have Nanny helping you out around the house. You know what a blessing it is to be afforded grown-up evenings out with Husband. And you also know that these perks are not available to everyone. You say so all the time.
If you were oblivious to these disparities; if you used Nanny to avoid time with your girls; if you at all abdicated parenting responsibilities and were mortified by the premise of two weeks without help – that would be spoiled. But I really don’t think that’s what’s happening here.
Three girls under the age of five is a daunting premise for a lot of people. Even the most seasoned stay-at-home-with-no-help mom could easily find herself overwhelmed. I know I would.
I guess what I’m getting at is, don’t be too hard on yourself. As Abby wisely commented, I’m sure there will be some major meltdowns (so just pour some Pinot and plow through) but also some wonderful moments. You’ll be just fine!
your 1st sentence says it all
forgot to add, aidan, you’ll be fine. i wish you luck, but you’re not going to need it. those little loves are going to rock your world.
Thank you for your honesty. I read your blog in part because I love reading about someone whose life is much more glamorous and successful than mine. I’m a single mother of one beautiful 9 year old girl. I work full time but I have tons of help with my child from family and friends. Accepting help and admitting that we all need help sometimes doesn’t make you spoiled. I hope you have a wonderful two weeks with your family and that the criticism of readers who have perhaps forgotten that “we’re all just doing the best we can” doesn’t dampen your spirit or create any doubts about the job you’re doing professionally and as a mom. I think you’re amazing. You inspire me. Thank you.
I genuinely hope that I’m not sending the message that my life is super glamorous or “successful” (what really does that mean?). I hope all of you know that I struggle. And often. That said, I’m fully aware – and more than appreciative – of my bounty. My family brings me endless joy and insight even if I have a hard time navigating sometimes. I so appreciate your words here, Melissa. Thank you.
I agree so strongly with Gale. Spoiled is in the attitude. And Aidan, as anyone who follows your blog knows, you are a humble and caring mama who is well aware of how fortunate you are. You can tell those three little ones are your world. I have yet to have my own little clan, but if given the opportunity to have help, I would jump at it. It has nothing to do with “pawning off” your children but everything to do with keeping you intact. As much as children complete mothers, they can’t embody their entire being. I think as women, we forget that…or judge others who realize that. You are doing a great job, Aidan.
“Keeping me intact.” Yes. Exactly. Thank you for this, Emily
I think it’s great that you have help. Your girls get one-on-one time with you. I’m sure you are more rested and hence a better parent.
You are spoiled. And I am jealous! I do not think you are a bad parent. I work from home. I am a writer and an editor of a magazine. I do not have kids, but I often wish I had a Nanny for Husband (who also works from home) and a Housekeeper for the apartment. Trust me when I say, if it were within the budget, I WOULD HAVE!
While I don’t have kids, I often keep my friends children to give her a break or when she needs to work. They are older and can pretty much watch after themselves, but I tell you, I get very little work done on the days they are here because I worry about keeping them entertained.
The week my 3 year old nephew was here (without his Mommy) I didn’t get a lick of work done and was too tired to work for 2 days after he left.
So, are you spoiled, yes. Is that bad? No! I think is is smart of you to have Nanny, and lucky that you can. What one must remember is that just because you are at home doesn’t mean you aren’t working. Writing is a full time job that takes 100% of your concentration (or it does for a good writer). If you are a bad mother then so are all of the mothers that work and have babysitters or daycare. Are they…..NO! And neither are you.
I remain jealous at your ability to have in-home assistance!
DJ – I am so thankful that you left this comment. For many reasons, but one is that you are the first to raise the point that I am indeed working. I am a writer. It took me a long time – many years, much existential wrestling – to be able to say this, but now I am able to say it and am proud to say it: I am a writer. And to be a good writer who actually produces pages of prose, I need help. I know there are some superstars out there who stay up all night writing when their kiddos sleep, but that is not me. Maybe it will be one day. Anyway, I think that writers and other creatives are often seen as not really working, but I know first-hand that this is nonsense. So, thanks again for reminding me and all of us that just because I am home does not mean I am not working.
PS – Even if I weren’t writing, I would probably still have help. Raising kids? In my opinion, it is one of the hardest and important jobs in the world. Just because we are not paid for this work does not mean that we should not have help from time to time (if we desire it and can afford it).
I know your struggles. I struggle every day with friends and family members who think I don’t work at all and just lay around the house being lazy.
And you are right, you would still need help. As I said, I don’t have kids of my own. I can’t. However, I use this as an excuse to be able to open my heart and home to the kids of my friends as often as I can. I’m also a stepmom. I do everything I can to help out the parents I know, because I enjoy it and I know they need it.
GOOD LUCK TO YOU!
Aidan–I so applaud your honesty about having help. I have help too, also so I can write. But even if I wasn’t working on a writing career, I would NOT be ashamed of having some help around the house and with the kids. It DOES take a village but long gone are the days we can just drop of the kids at our aunt’s house or grandma’s so we can go to the dentist and have an hour of peace after to go along with it.
There are no badges of honor going out to women whose friendships, marriages, and sense of self have gone through the ringer because they get to say they did EVERY LITTLE THING themselves–folded every shirt, put away every dish, etc. I realize not everyone can afford help, but help comes in many forms. I have a friend whose parents take turns coming over every morning to watch the baby so my friend can take the older ones to school without waking the baby. Meanwhile, this “friend” has made many cutting remarks about me having help. Well, not all of us have a parent who wants to be our drop-in sitter on a moment’s notice. And not everyone can afford help. So fine, we all have different circumstances.
I think we should be HAPPY for fellow moms who get a break to work on their passions, hobbies, careers WHATEVER. What’s up with this attitude where moms are essentially high-fiving each other for being the most miserable, most exhausted, most unable to do anything for themselves? Guess what? That’s not a race I’m interested in winning. I’m going to be in the “be a whole person” race if you’re looking for me. See you there, babe.
“Whole person” I like that.
Oh, how I love this. I’m sitting here smiling, wondering where to begin. I will begin by saying thank you – for expressing so compellingly so many things that I’m thinking. Is it a badge of honor to be miserable? Does it make us better parents to be martyrs? I don’t think so. I know plenty of parents who do in fact do every little thing for their kiddos and are genuinely happy and fulfilled doing so. I have immense respect for these individuals. I also know people who are absolutely sad and depressed and anxious and overwhelmed because they have zero time to themselves. So many of these individuals have expressed to me the fear that they are indeed losing themselves in the equation of parenthood. Ultimately, I think – as you so aptly put it – our goal – as parents and as people – should be to remain as ‘whole’ as we can. There are many different – and equally good – paths to this destination, no?
Again, thank you. For the smile. For the wisdom.
I don’t think spoiled is the right word. I think lucky and fortunate are more appropriate. If I could afford to have a nanny once husband and I start a family, then I’d totally do it.
Good luck! I’m sure you’ll do wonderfully.
Aiden,
We all need help! I became a stay at home mom when my first born turned 6 months (went back to work for a few months, but realized all I could think about was my little one!) My husband and I raised her hand in hand up until a few months ago when his job changed and thus, so did his work schedule. I always tell people that I could not have done it without him (I honestly would have lost my mind going it alone). Now, she is 16 months old and we have added a newborn to the mix! But, a few weeks before baby #2 was born my mother flew out to be with me-she is staying til the end of NEXT month, then my in-laws are coming to help for a couple months. Point being, we all need time to ourselves-EVEN IF WE ARE STAY AT HOME MOMS (and everyone seems to think that is such a privilege on it’s own, let alone having help). Right now, both my lil ones are asleep, my mom is eating lunch and I’m venting my frustration at people who have such strong opinions on being a mom! Those that aren’t think it’s A LOT easier than what it is, and those that are–well, either they are very understanding or the harshest critic, most probably out of there own bitterness!
You will be fine for the next 2 weeks. You ARE A GREAT MOM..it’s obvious through your blog! You just might be eating take out more and may not shower as often as you like in the next 2 weeks.
Thank you for this, Ladan. Yes, we all need time to ourselves. Or maybe some of us really don’t and that is okay, but I suspect most of us do need slivers of time to focus on who we are and were and will be as people. Once we become parents we do not lose our identity as individuals with hopes and desires and needs. Can we truly be happy if all we do is live for our little ones? I’m not so sure.
And about criticism… I think it has many origins. Sometimes, I think it comes from true opinion. Sometimes, from bitterness. Sometimes, from lack of understanding. And there is certainly a place for criticism in this world. Without it, life would be boring. But I think we should all try to avoid mean-spirited criticism, criticism that seems to ignore the very humanity that underlies almost everything we do and fail to do as people.
Thanks for your wise words and kind support
Your post and its comments have resonated for me…leaving me to think of our expectations of ourselves as women, mothers, as well as notions about “real jobs” and such things.
As for luck, you have my wishes for it. I have three kids and there are times when it is so difficult to be the mom I want to be instead of the mom my reality can make me. I’m sure you will have some moments of infinite frustration. But there will also be moments of infinite greatness. And mostly, you will likely find that the two weeks will be much like they always are…a little bit chaotic and rushed and ending with a big whoosh as you catch your breath and remind yourself of why you are so blessed to be doing any of it at all.
Thank you, Kristina, for chiming in here and for penning this exquisitely thoughtful post in reaction to my post and the conversation it launched – http://tenminutemissive.com/2011/06/27/past-the-realm-of-judgement/ I do hope my readers take a minute to read it and perhaps comment. I never even thought that the word “nanny” might be divisive. But perhaps I should have. As a writer, I am cognizant of the immense power of words. And maybe this one word had an impact I neither foresaw nor intended. Thanks for making me think, and for widening this debate.
Amazing how technology allows our worlds to be infinitely bigger and ever smaller all the time. I love how a random tweet over a year ago led me to you and your life and your experiences with your girls.
And I hope your two weeks with the ladies is twice as much a gift as you could ever ask to receive. (hugs)
As someone who started nannying at age 15 and didn’t stop until age 24, I completely see the value in having an extra hand to raise kids. I think a nanny is a crucial person in a child’s life – a family’s life.
I have had the privilege of being part of high school graduations for kids I nannied for, and am thrilled to say that I once made their mac and cheese and played at the park with them.
I’ve seen them grow into people who will one day influence the world. Selfishly, because of some of my influence in their lives.
What parent wouldn’t want to partner with young teens/adults who will encourage and love their kids by providing hours of endless play, support, and even discipline that mirrors that of the child’s mother and father??
On the other hand, I think even your nanny would say that you’ll be just fine with your kids for 2 whole weeks. Because a. you’re their mother and b. the trust and love between a nanny and a mother is indescribable. She knows you can handle it and could handle it on your own, but choose to let her enrich your girls’ and family’s life.
Still. Good luck and enjoy every nanny-free minute. And hug her tight when she returns!
Megan – Thank you so much for weighing in here with this important perspective. You paint a much fuller portrait of what having a nanny (or the right nanny) can mean. In our particular case, Nanny is a bright and energetic, educated and sensitive soul. My little girls are good and smart creatures and I give Nanny some credit in the fact that they are so sweet and socialized. So, yes. I am fortunate, beyond fortunate, to have her in my home and my life. I know this. I think about this all the time.
And yes. I will be fine. Better than fine. These weeks will be wonderful, if challenging. Bring it on, right?
I read your post and the early comments this morning while nursing E and knew I had to come back to chime in. And I’m glad that, in the meantime, so many others left comments with the essence of mine.
Like you and some of the other commenters, I am saddened by the judgment that we moms are so quick to dole out. The amount of help you have is your decision entirely. And I’m glad that you have such a wonderful care provider to help you and your husband raise your girls while you’re pursuing your careers and trying to navigate time together and with each of your girls individually.
Life is not easy – regardless of one’s finances, career, and family size. I respect and support your choice to make it easier in whatever way you can.
(On a side note, I wonder if a working father ever has to deal with these questions.)
Wow. I read your post and the flurry of comments. I couldn’t help but think what a gift it is that we all can participate in even having this discussion.
That said, I strongly believe as mothers we do what works for us. Will people pass judgments? Of course they will. But ultimately, it is about your circle of love, your husband and your daughters. If you are collectively working together and creating an environment where each one of you thrive I believe no explanation or justification needed. Parenting is intensely personal and we all have to make choices that work for us.
Great post and enjoyed the debate in the comments. You know what else? High five on your responses. You defended your position with grace.
“Parenting is intensely personal and we all have to make choices that work for us.” Yes. Yes. Yes.
Thanks, Rudri.
I’m rooting for you. Know you can handle it!!
These next two weeks will be delicious chaos. I bet it will bring you even closer with your girls (if that is possible) and there will be lots of great memories formed. I love the idea of making big girl the “first mate” – that is brilliant! You absolutely can do it and I think it will be easier than you think. And you’ll all appreciate Nanny an extra special amount when life gets back to “normal!”
As for the judgments here, on the one hand it is great to have the open and candid discussion but on the other, it really is hard to put yourself in another mom’s shoes and people can be so harsh. You clearly are a great mom and love your girls immensely. However you make that work on a day to day basis doesn’t change that. Being a mom is hard! Whatever makes you feel happy and sane and makes your girls’ lives their best is the right choice and I think you have found your balance.
Have a great time on your vacation!
I had similar concerns when I decided to try stay-at-home mommying after my girl had been in daycare. I was scared I couldn’t do it, and I just have the one! Yes, you’ll be exhausted. But I feel confident that you and your trio will have a memorable and fun two weeks. Good luck!
PS I don’t think being in an enviable position makes you spoiled. Blessed to be sure. But not spoiled!
Blessed is the right word. And so is exhausted
Thank you.
Some really interesting comments here…I think you are blessed and fortunate and grateful for those blessings. I can speak from multiple perspectives. I went through my undergrad years and graduate school as a single mom. While I didn’t have a nanny, i took out extra student loans to cover a good preschool and after school care at the Y. Friends pitched in. It truly took a village to raise her. When I had my son 14 years later, I was lucky enough to stay at home with him, freelancing on the side when he slept.
A few things to ponder…are there “stay-at-home” dads out there w/ nannies. Surely there must be. Are they also criticized? Aren’t moms who stay home and take care of the young ones also “nannies” for their partners who go off to work? And the cooks, cleaners? And expected to be attractive lovers? So before anyone should judge you for having wonderful help so that you can fulfill all these roles (as well as that of a writer!), they should think about a man’s role in this arrangement.
Blessings to you–you will be fine!
TJ – I love the point you make about how many of us are on some level nannies for our partners… This is a really interesting idea, I think. There are so many roles we are expected to fulfilled and it is tough. I wish we weren’t so hard on ourselves and each other. Yes, that sounds a bit Hallmark, but I mean it.
Wow! Lots of interesting discussion here. I just finished reading “Flux: Women on Sex, Work, Love, Kids, and Life in a Half-Changed World” by Peggy Orenstein, a book that talks about many of these very issues. I recommend it! There is no “right” way to be a mother (or to be a woman, for that matter).
I work a 9 to 5 writing job, have two kids, and am trying to launch a personal writing career on the side. I know how competitive the publishing landscape is, so the fact that you’re a published, working writer is quite a feat! Would I love to be writing from home during the day w/ a nanny helping to care for my kids? Yes! And I would probably do just that if I could. That said, I have a pretty good gig going myself!
Enjoy the time with your girls!
Oooh. I must go get this book and pronto. Thanks for the recommendation. Best of luck with your writing goals
Wow, I am surprised by some of the comments but shouldn’t be. Like others have said, we all do what works for us as we are all just trying to do the best we can as parents, as people… Good luck!
As a side note, I only have two children and while I am on maternity leave with our baby, our toddler goes to daycare. I do get a little intimidated when I have to take care of both of them by myself. It seems silly being I am their mother, but it’s the truth. And after doing it for a couple of days, I feel more comfortable, but it sure is nice having another adult to help.
Aidan,
I love your honesty on this blog. It’s because of your honesty that I keep coming back, it’s why I check in daily for your musings and original perspective on life, love, children, work, stress, joy, fears and insecurities. I hope that a few judgmental comments don’t throw you off your game and alter the way you write. I hope these people don’t cause you to censor yourself because in all truth, your honesty has helped me be more honest in my own daily interactions, with others and with myself.
Keep up the great work and excellent writing!
best,
Jocelyn
PS- Are you working on Book #2?
Aidan,
Every now and then I read your blog (it’s one of the few I have bookmarked!) because your honesty and ability to paint a very emotionally realistic portrait of motherhood and life is very interesting and somewhat inspirational to me. I, too, went to an Ivy League school and moved to NYC after graduating to see if I could have any success in modeling. I did for about four years, absolutely loved NY, and met many of these “spoiled” women everyone is debating above. I guess this is why I’m drawn to your blog: because I have my own version of “Ivy League Insecurity” and one of my best friends is one of these so-called spoiled women. Her motto? “I’m not spoiled…he just loves me.”
While I’m only 27, and have never been a mother, I just wanted to tell you, for whatever it’s worth, that you seem like a very loving, self-aware, intelligent woman and that you should not waste one second questioning whether you are spoiled. You can’t be all of those things and be spoiled, as the very fact that you questioned it shows humility, I think. And asking for “luck,” tongue-in-cheek, is just that: a joke. Seems like women are very defensive over the very thing they should have all the confidence in the world in, no matter what form it takes: motherhood.
Anyway, good LUCK, get some good stories, and have fun!
Lauren
I am new to blogging but I find this blog to be so interesting!
All I have to say is I am a mother to a 1 year old, I have a full time job (that is nice and flexible) and a full time nanny/caregiver/babysitter whatever title you want to use. For me, having help is necessary but it also makes me a better mother. I have also thought that if I were a stay at home mom I would still need help. I think it is one of the hardest (and yes rewarding) jobs to be a stay at home mom.