In theory, I covet an existence of order and organization. A world of lists that get done, calendars that get checked, schedules that get stuck to, thank-you notes that get written and sent, meals that get made, emails that get returned, coats that get hung… You get the picture.

In practice though, I continue to create, and celebrate, a domestic and existential circus of clutter and chaos. A lively land with little predictability. A planet where freedom and frolic – and frustration – reign. A space with scant serenity, endless piles, rich life.

There is a tension here. A profound one. One worth exploring.

Here’s the deal. Something I’ve known for a long time, but am just beginning to revere. For me, there is an incomparable treasure in tumult, a true triumph in tangles. For me, material and magic exist in the murk, the mud, the mayhem. Each and every day, I choose (if unconsciously) the patternless (or is it just a less-obviously-but-more-exquisitely patterned) way of being. I choose this because it is important to me. I’m not sure why, but it is.

And yet. Often, I find myself craving a simpler outlook, a life full of clean lines and tidy trimmings. A world of simple sweetness and permanent smiles. But when it really comes down to it, I find solace, nuanced solace, in the complexity, in the contradictions. And when it really comes down to it, I feel a stab of pride and a zing of happiness when I see the contradictions and complexity manifest in my own girls. That they are already such layered little people, full of thinky inky dimension, continues to be one of my greatest joys.

And yet. There are times when my mind feels a bit too stuffed, and the complexity feels crippling. There are times when I seek control and lightness, order and even superficiality. These tend to be the times when I make an appointment for a haircut.

Whoa, detour.

Stick with me though because maybe you can relate. Sometimes, life gets so rich and full and complicated that I just need to do something silly, something decidedly non-intellectual. Sometimes, I just need a little snip, clip, change.

And so. A couple weeks ago, I did just that. I took a taxi from the three-ring-or-should-I-say-girl-circus that is my good life to a pair of salons in midtown. At the first, I got my hair chopped. I said goodbye to the loose ends and hello to my long-lost bangs. And then, at the second, I told the very cool ponytail-ed man to make me blond, and very. It’s summer, I said. Let’s be bold and have some fun.

So now. I have a new ‘do and I love it.

And I have the same contradictions, the same boundless complexity cluttering my head and heart and home. But you know what? I love these things too.

_____________________________

Do you seek order or celebrate chaos? Do you ever wish you saw things – your self, your life, this world – through a simpler lens? Do you delight in the complexity in your own soul and those of the ones you love? When do you get your hair cut? And most importantly, do you like my new ‘do (and the admittedly bizarre face I’m making in the above photo)?

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