My Marital Advice
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As I mentioned yesterday, we spent the weekend celebrating my sister-in-law J’s impending nuptials. And as I also mentioned, there was a fun whispering of marital wisdom at the lovely bridal shower luncheon. All of us were given a blank index card and a pen and we were encouraged to jot some anonymous advice for the bride-to-be. My advice:
Have tons of babies. In rapid succession.
I wrote this to be clever and cute I guess. Or maybe I wrote this because I was uncomfortable ponying up serious thoughts on the experience and institution of marriage. Whatever my motivation, when J read from my card she obviously knew it was me. And, yes, there were some chuckles.
But she also read from many other cards and some of them were a bit silly too but a good number were more serious. And thoughtful. And true. Here are some that I remember:
- Never do something in the first year of marriage that you don’t want to do forever.
- Leave spontaneous little love notes for your husband around the house.
- Drink lots of wine.
- Never go to bed angry. (Many people wrote this. Interesting.)
- Be best friends.
- Two words: Date Night.
There were other things written and read that were interesting, but this is what I recall at the moment. Anyway, I thought this was worth blogging about because so many of us are married or want to be married or want to understand why maybe our marriages didn’t make it. And it would be foolish to think that there is a singular and secret recipe for a happy marriage, but I imagine there are some good ground rules?
And as for my advice, yes, it was silly, but it was also true in a way. For me. Husband and I are tired these days. We are often confused by how best to navigate these early years of our young girls’ lives. But this profound and priceless challenge, this adventure in parenting, has truly made us closer – and happier – than ever. As far as I’m concerned at least.
(Or. Maybe I’m just saying this because this is my reality and I feel the need to justify it. Could very well be, no?)
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Please share your marital wisdom (silly or serious or in between) here. Whether we have been married for ages or are yet-to-be-wed, we can all benefit from this exercise…
Marital wisdom from someone who was divorced at 29: Marry the right person, at the right time, for the right reasons. Then, do not assume that you are “stuck together” because of your vows. Work to build and nurture a relationship that you both WANT to stay in (out of love, not out of obligation). Your list is good!
Have common interests- things you can get out of the house and go do together. Anything- bowling, karaoke, jogging, just something you can go and do, be actively together.
That being said, I think it’s also very important to have separate time with girl/guy friends. And it’s important to be secure enough in your relationship to let your partner have that time too.
I like Emily’s advice about spending time with guy/girl friends. You don’t want your marriage to suffocate you.
To add, I think it’s important to make sure you actually enjoy marriage. Meaning, don’t rush into having kids because parents or friends say you should. Eat, laugh, learn, travel, and “christen” every room in your home before kids arrive!
I’ve always thought that “Don’t go to bed angry” is terrible advice. Trying to resolve an issue when you’ve been talking in circles for an hour, and burning the midnight oil, isn’t productive, IMHO. If you’re fighting at night, you’re both tired, cranky, irritable. Agree that you still love each other and agree to disagree and pick it up in the morning, on a good night’s sleep, with a fresh perspective. You’d be surprised how often last night’s mountain seems like this morning’s mole hill.
On a related note, I’ve also always thought the famous quote from LOVE STORY, “Love means never having to say you’re sorry,” is bunk. Love means having to say you’re sorry even when you don’t mean it because your marriage means more to you than being right means to your ego.
Great list!
I believe do it together in your own way!
Great list!
I believe in doing it together but in your own why!
Say what you mean. Don’t beat around the bush. Men don’t get “subtle.” Just say it.
This. Definitely this.
In reaction to “Never do something in the first year of marriage that you don’t want to do forever”
My marriage has changed. It’s no longer necessary for me to leave or receive so many love notes or have so many dates nights to feel connected. At first I thought this was because we were falling out of love. Quite the contrary.
We have gotten to that wonderful place where there are other things that say “I love you.” I wish my husband well while he journeys far away from me (because I am finally confident in every pore of my being he will be coming back) My husband tells me about articles in The New Yorker because he finally gets it that I would rather hear about it from his mouth than read on my own. I feel more connected to him and to the material.
I’ve surrendered most of my pretensions about what a marriage SHOULD be and I’m resting in the peace of what mine is. Believe me it is quite different than the first year.
Happily so.
When you first get married, everything is rainbows and sparkles. Over time, things change. A healthy relationship ages like a fine wine, but even in a “great” partnership you’re wise to be on the lookout for signs of trouble. Sometimes, when you think all is well, it’s not. Address problems/issues as they arise. PURSUE YOUR PASSIONS – KEEP YOUR OWN SEPARATE IDENTITY! And, sadly, sometimes no matter what you do, there is no way to save your marriage. In those instances, you need to find a way to keep moving forward. The more secure you are in your own skin, the better off you’ll be. (I married my bff/soulmate at a young age. After nearly 27 years of marriage, mountains of music made together, medical school, and two amazing kids, he had an affair and left. You never know what life holds in store.)
Be gentle with each other.
Late night dance parties to 80s music is a must for laughter and smiles after a long day or a long week!
The more you say “thank you,” the less you’ll need to say “I’m sorry.”
My husband and I have found that we naturally thank each other for even the most mundane things. “Thanks for emptying the dish washer.” “Thanks for taking me to dinner so I didn’t have to cook.” “Thanks for doing the laundry.” It’s an easy thing to do, and we find we’re not making each other mad very often because we feel appreciated by the other.
Also, it sounds incredibly juvenile, but whenever we DO feel a little hurt by the other, we call each other kid’s names…”Meany head,” “poo-poo brains,” etc. It totally diffuses the situation and it’s certainly better than adult names we COULD be calling each other when angry. I honestly don’t know how well this would work for everyone. We didn’t intend to do it, it’s just our personalities, but I like it!