Our Little Pink Problem
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I had the most wonderful birthday. Really. And I will give you all the scoop tomorrow or Friday. But. But today I have an admittedly less-than-dire situation to tell you about but one that is nonetheless baffling us.
Okay, here goes. Big Girl? She’s a sweetie. Honestly, she’s never given us any real issues. She is strong and discerning, but pretty mellow.
{Cut to the chase, A!}
Okay, will do. She’s always let me dress her. And I have had fun with this. I adore buying mini versions of the clothes I’d wear: plaid shirts and skinny jeans and boots. Items in grays and blues and browns with punches of bright color. Joy!
But now. Enter our second child. Middle Girl. Now this kid has the best wardrobe in the world because she has a mix of new items and precious hand-me-downs. But. Yes, but. All of a sudden, she refuses to wear anything but pink. Pink. It’s not a bad color, but we don’t have many pink things chez Rowley, and, in excess, I’m not a fan. It’s kinda Pepto-Bismol-y in my estimation.
But she’s feisty, this one. She is small, but savvy and sassy and a fighter. And the tears? They are massive. And effective.
And so. I went on a little special shopping trip. I bought a few new pink things. Shirts and skirts and tights. And when I came home, I presented these items to her and she was delighted. And then I announced the rule. Yes, the rule. I told her that every day, she could wear one pink thing and then I could pick the rest of her outfit. She seemed to agree.
But yesterday morning? Nightmare.
Alas, our chickadee went off to school in a rainbow of pinks. We did secure a victory on the tights (gray and white striped). Score!
This is jokey, but also it’s not. Is this a battle worth fighting? Is this a phase? Is this a period of Pinkalicious defiance that will soon pass?
Please say yes. Pretty please.
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Thoughts? Advice? Experiences? Stories? Help!! (And THANK YOU for all the fab birthday wishes here and elsewhere!)
definitely not a battle worth fighting – definitely a phase…
the truth – she is emulating what she sees… a strong mama who makes decisions for herself, thinks for herself… in short, you are doing a great job… i too have 3 kids and they are all preciously different…
sometimes the way to work with a child who wants to make their own decisions (which is a good thing, though not always easy) is to (in this situation) pick two outfits and let her pick which one she wants to wear… maybe hair/hats/shoes could be hers alone to select…
she is such a sweet little one… just work with her – you will be happy you did…
and now that i have older kids/young adults – i view those tests as prep for the ones to come… she really just wants to express herself her way… fast forward to a 16 yr. old who is in love with the character tonks in harry potter… you know, tonks, the one with pink hair? you got it… we would go in to stores or whatever and adults would compliment her and then look at me and say ‘did you know she was going to do this?’ and my daughter would proudly say, ‘my mom did this to me!’ well, we went from tonks to leopard spots… but you know what? it’s only hair… it can be cut, colored, etc… and it was a phase…
and it is definitely not worth crying over…
Thank you for this, Mary Jane. In my heart of hearts, I know this is but a phase, an expression of individualism, and the first of many “battles” to come. She is such a good and sweet kid and part of me is delighted that she is strong and has a voice and sturdy opinions. All of these things will serve her well in life. It’s just that the mornings are a full-fledged circus and it is hard to negotiate these things. We want to maintain a modicum of authority here and not let her totally run the show, but I do also feel compelled to honor her wishes and support her efforts at self-expression. Just another reminder that this parenting thing is tricky business.
Again, thank you. Your words and support are very meaningful.
I must admit there’s a part of me that’s been thankful for boys because it means that, at least so far, I have avoided the “Battle Pink.” Like you, I am not a pink person. So I feel your pain. That said, she’s unlikely to go her whole life only donning shades of “blush and bashful” (that’s a “Steel Magnolias” reference for anyone who’s rusty…) So indulging her affection for pink now will likely not turn her into a lifelong monochrome. Simply put, I’m sure it’s a phase and she’ll outgrow it.
In my mind, the bigger issue is what effect the tantrum-induced indulgences of new duds will have on her. Hand-me-downs are a perfectly acceptable way to dress a kid, and as a middle child she will encounter her fair share of them. I can understand a middle kid’s desire to have some things that are new to her, and not always just getting other people’s castoffs. Nevertheless, I think the more valuable lesson for Middle Girl is to be thankful for the many clothes she has, and to learn to ask nicely when she wants something new. A tall order for a 3-year-old? Yes. But I think these are lessons that are worth teaching early, even if they don’t really sink in for a few more years.
Gale – Thanks, as always, for chiming in here. I can always count on you to raise salient points… You are indeed lucky to be escaping the “pink problem” as I describe it, but I imagine these things are hardly limited to the world of girls. When I see mothers dragging their little boys along the sidewalk in batman costumes and shorts in arctic weather and princess dresses, I know that I am far from alone in these struggles. We all wrestle with our children on various levels, don’t we? This is really about more than wardrobe.
As for your second point – about lessons, I’m of two minds. Of course I agree that there are important life lessons to sneak into our interactions and that it is vital that we do not shy away from doing what we can to instill appreciation and gratitude into our creatures. That said, kids are kids. I can put a nutritious organic meal in front of my little girl and tell her that she is lucky to have a warm and nourishing meal, but that doesn’t mean she will eat it. No. She might fight me and I might end up giving her yogurt and pretzels for dinner because I am human and she needs to eat.
And she needs to attend school with clothes on. I feel compelled to clarify that she does not appear to have issues with hand-me-downs. Rather, it is that none of these clothes are pink and she has fallen in love with pink. I went out and bought a few pink things not to indulge her and applaud tantrums, but because she is expressing herself and a preference and I think there is something important about this. I also think that she should have a few new things and not inherit everything from her older sister just because she was born second… {A whole other post could be written on hand-me-downs and birth order, no?}
Anyway. I apologize if I am sounding defensive here. It’s just that this is tricky territory and we are trying and honestly seeking the wisdom of others (all of you) on how to handle all of this the best we can, on how to survive this pinkalicious-and-not-so-delicious phase.
Again, so happy you commented. This discussion is far more interesting because of this exchange…
(Hope you are feeling good!! Sooo close!)
Aidan – You make great points here and I pretty much agree with you. I do think it’s good that she’s expressing her own personality. She’s perfectly entitled to prefer pink to plaid and there’s certainly nothing wrong with giving her that freedom. I also understand that this is the real world and have caved more than once on the nutritional profile of my son’s dinner just in the interest of getting something in his belly. Thankfully his opinions are less absolute when it comes to sartorial matters.
What I meant by my comment about the hand-me-downs is that given that Big Girl’s collection of Diego and dinosaur items isn’t quite to Middle Girl’s liking, this may be a slightly harder lesson for her to learn. Part of making peace with hand-me-downs is that you have less control over what you get. I think your approach of allowing her one pink thing each day is actually a great one. It doesn’t squash her individuality with total denial, but it does require her to broaden her range of what’s acceptable.
What that leaves you with then, is the question of how to handle dilemmas such as yesterday’s. I would probably take each one as it comes. If it’s a day when she has school and you have to get out of the house on time, perhaps you give in a little bit. If it’s a day when you’re just going out to run an errand and you can afford the time to go six or seven rounds with her and enforce your rule, then stand firm. (The only risk with this approach is that she learns that on school days she has you over a barrel and pitches the fit merely because she knows she can win, and I don’t have a great answer for that one…)
I think you’re on the right track. There will be days when you win and days when you lose, and that is true in all aspects of parenting. Hang in there, and good luck!
PS – Feeling really good for the most part. Just about 4 more weeks now!
Well, it could be a phase or she could love pink. I don’t think it is a battle worth fighting. It could be her way of making an individual statement if her sister is not a pinkie girl or the color may just make her happy. I have a daughter in college who is still very much a pink girl but it was her choice and never forced upon her…it is just her color. I like pinks as well but my daughter is way more pink than me! As long as she is appropriately dressed I would probably let it go. You may be able to show her how pink paired with green or blue or whatever makes it even more pink which may giive you less of the rainbow of pink! Just be glad this is her only serious issues! LOL
Believe me, we feel very fortunate that this is the “issue” we are dealing with. What a privilege that wardrobe and colors are what we are concerned about. Ultimately, I am not so much worried about this specific question, but more about the larger question of control. I want her to express herself, yes, but I also want to know (and for her to know) that we are her parents and that we have thoughts on how things should be done. I want her to feel her freedom but also respect our authority. Does that make sense?
Not worth fighting and a phase. Try the opposite spectrum. Indulge her. Completely. It might wear off faster. Who knows! I got a poncho for a birthday as a child and loved it so much I wore it EVERY day for who knows how long. And then I never wore it again.
I lived through a Power Rangers obsession with my son (who is now fifteen and cannot even imagine that he liked Power Rangers at one time). Before that it was Thomas the Tank Engine. Later, Airsoft combat warrior. Guitar Hero geek.
The one thing about parenting I learned is that when you are living in the moment, as is so often a parent’s life, it is hard to have perspective when there is so little past upon which to reflect. Look at parents of older children and realize you have a long way to go. So sit back, relax and enjoy your girls. Easier for me to say, I know. I’ve been there.
Thank you so much for helping me attain some perspective here. I am sure that I will get past this and look back and long for these Pinkalicious days even though they can feel tough in the moment. And I wore a Celtics jersey to school every single day of Fifth Grade. This was important to me, and to my identity and I feel so fortunate that I had parents who let me do this. I think it is important that I remember this and, frankly, I didn’t think about this when penning this post. I do think there is something about pink, about prescriptions of femininity, that is affecting me. This is not just about individualism and expression, but about more…
Thank you, again.
I have been thinking a lot lately about how I have completely lost the battle and the chance to have well dressed kids. I have always erred toward the side that I would let them have choices in what they wear because they feel so good about themselves when they do. Like really good. Like they beam and feel good in their own skin. But my kids usually look like peasants (we aren’t peasants). Their hair looks fine but the rest, oy. And I try to sit with that and be ok because does it really matter? Who are we trying to impress with how they are dressed? They are individual people and need to feel good in their own skin and place in the world. But I’m starting to really wonder about it and wonder if I should be more insistent. I wonder what the people whose kids look adorable every day are doing to get there (yelling, screaming, are their kids more compliant than mine, do their kids have better taste than mine)? I really don’t know. I try not to judge and to simply admire the adorableness that seems to be everyone else’s kids.
I like your idea that she can pick some of it and you pick the rest. My kids are 4 and 7 and that gets harder and harder. HELP!
Jen – another really interesting embedded issue. What does our kids’ appearance say about us and the types of parents we are? Do we want our kids to be “well-dressed” for them, or for us? Is it important to teach our kids to present themselves well to the world and what really does this mean? Is childhood a time where kids should do their thing and wear pajamas to the store and all pink to school or should we be running interference? So many good, and important, questions to ponder.
So so good to know that I’m not the only one who needs some “help” with these things!
I’m not a fan of my girls wearing much pink, either, but Joy has recently decided she likes it. And I have had to grit my teeth and accept that. Thankfully, just lately, the pink phase has seemed to be passing. She told someone the other day that her favorite color was brown, and yesterday she told me she liked black the best, and right now she’s into pumpkins so orange is pretty high up. Pink is slipping down the scale.
But I think, if I had pushed my opinion on her, and insisted that pink was not an acceptable color (which, honestly, is what I really wanted to do, because it seems that most people look at a little girl wearing pink and start to make assumptions that are not always warranted – yes Joy likes pink, but she also thinks dinosaurs are about the coolest thing ever. Next to pumpkins), she would have gotten more stubborn about it, and might have developed a liking for pink out of sheer contrariness that lasted much longer. Going with the flow is sometimes the best way to help them outgrow something!
A close high school friend recently told me that her 3-year-old son is in a phase where he wants to wear his super hero PJs. During the day. In public. And what she realized was it made him happy, and the only person it embarrassed was her. “So, yup, that was me in the supermarket with the kid in Batman pajamas,” she told me, “Some battles just aren’t worth fighting.”
Let her find her style, her preferences. Let her feel empowered in the small decisions she gets to make. As a mom-to-be of a little girl, that’s my plan. Whether she wants her hair pixie short or Rapunzel long, loves pink or black, wants to be a scientist or a dancer, likes boys or likes girls, it’s going to be my job love and support all of her, even if her choices are not my choices.
I had to chime in, this reminds me of a friend (I live in Miami, so this works here) whose daughter insisted on wearing a bathing suit, everywhere, all the time, for a month. And she indulged her. That would be tough for me just on sheer potty issues alone but my friend definitely took the “this battle isn’t worth fighting” approach. Her daughter is back to normal clothes
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Oh, little girls and their clothes… I could dress my son in a sack with armholes and I don’t think he’d care (unless, ironically, the sack were pink).
Honestly, I wouldn’t fight this battle. Your daughter has fallen in love with pink for whatever reason, and this is how she’s expressing herself.
We as adults can look at our kids’ fashion choices in horror–you should see some of the outfits my six-year-old daughter picks out–but they think they look fantastic. I sometimes advise my daughter that her choices don’t go together, or other selections might look better, but ultimately, unless we’re going someplace where certain, unique standards apply, she knows the choice is hers and I’ll support that.
On the other hand, I WILL battle my daughter over appropriateness of clothing to the elements. She’ll try to wear tank tops and sundresses in winter, heavy long-sleeve dresses with leggings in summer. (We live in NH.) This doesn’t fly with me. After a very, very long winter of arguments last year, I’ve just removed all of her summer clothes from her closet in the hopes of avoiding similar arguments this coming winter. We’ll see.
If it can actually cause harm, it’s worth engaging. If it’s a matter of self-expression, I completely get the frustration, but letting her feel like you support her pink personality right now might be worth the overdose.
Color choice? Absolutely NOT a battle worth fighting. She is developing her sense of self. Let her flourish in pink. Her color choices and style will change throughout the years. When my children were that age they picked out their own clothes for preschool/school. I set limits as to appropriateness ie, no shorts in winter, etc. My youngest who is now 19 asks “why did you let us go out in public looking so hideous” when she looks at pictures. I laugh out loud and remind her that she insisted on wearing those clothes and the temper tantrums that ensued weren’t worth it. So I let her wear what SHE wanted. All 3 of my kids…ages 21, 21 and 19 picked out their clothes for school. We too had the pink phase. Also, the batman phase, the beauty and the beast/disney phase, the purple phase…oh my it’s ever changing. But my children are all young adults now and very fashionable. They are confident in their appearance and make very nice, attractive, hip, appropriate clothing choices.
Agree with other posters, definitely a matter of self-expression. And if properly dressed for the elements there is no harm in pink or any other color she may choose.
My girl is still too young for these issues to have come up but reading through these comments was so illuminating! Thanks for all the amazing insights Aidan and ILI readers.
She’s asserting her independence and as a middle child, that may be really important for her growing up. let her do pink! Not my favorite color either–don’t wear any of it and never have, but this is not worth any battles over. When she’s a teen, she may only wear black–including hair, nails, etc. so enjoy the pink now! The more you insist on controlling the rest of her outfit, the more she will resist you on this, so go with the flow
And hope the littlest one enjoys the pink hand-me downs!
Haha — a girl after my own heart! I’m actually a proud pink sort of girl who tries to work that hue into her wardrobe whenever possible, but I don’t remember pitching any fits about it growing up. I agree with others: I’m sure it’s a phase. Though I wasn’t demanding as far as colors go, I definitely remember reaching an age where I didn’t want to wear anything my parents chose for me. At all.
As the Mom of two girls (just 4 and almost 2) I am trying to let go of the clothing battle. However hard… My 4 year old can dress and undress herself. Every morning she gets up, closes her bedroom door and emerges in her outfit for the day. She is happy, thrilled with her choices and while, in general, nothing matches she thinks she looks beautiful. And she does. As long as it’s weather-appropriate I’ve decided to say “okay.” No matter how many patterns she mixes (and she loves patterns). There is so much in her life that she is not in control of at the age of 4, that I think it’s okay to give her this bit of independence and self expression. I hope it doesn’t undermine our authority, I don’t think so.
Let her wear pink! I always let Sloane pick out her clothes (I try to let her choose from a few options, which seems to help, but if not, who cares!) When I was little my mom said if I didn’t like something I wouldn’t wear it and new clothes would just languish in my closet. One of the only professional pictures of me as a child has me in this poufy kitty blouse and plaid pants. I always thought my mom was crazy but she said I picked it and insisted. Now I get it!
The other day my little diva was dressed for ballet in her (orange, fave color) tutu, at the toy store picking out a fire truck while wearing her stethoscope. And if given the choice she always picks her fancy gold loafers with her name on them in pink (they were a gift) even though they fall off and drive her crazy. Whatever
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Not worth fighting. My little girl, 4, threw her first clothing related tantrum at 2. Like yours, with massive tears. Pink is her favorite and I’m a wearer of gray and black. So be it. I ask her if she will wear something when we buy it and she tells me point blank. If she says no it will never be yes. What has been workin recently is giving her 2 choices of my chosen everyday. We both maintain some control. Good luck!
Not a battle, Middle girl just has her own mind and isn’t that what we as parents desire for our children? To hold their own and be independent!
I have a pigeon pair (boy and girl) and I went through this with both, personally I just let it be and in the end it worked out fine.