Do Our Children Sense Our Stress?
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Several weeks ago, I took Big Girl for a Kindergarten play session (translation: interview). In my heart of hearts, I knew she’d be fine, and do great. She’s a smart and happy child, kind and verbal, inclined to have fun in most situations. But still. I was anxious. I was.
I took her for lunch before the session. She nibbled on chicken fingers and fries. Her favorites. I slurped a Diet Coke and cracked silly jokes in an effort to make her laugh. I was trying extra hard that day. We went to the bathroom and the waiter handed us a key that was attached to a spatula. How funny is that? I proclaimed. Big Girl cracked a smile. It really wasn’t that funny.
I was trying extra hard. Because I was stressed. And I wonder whether Big Girl could sense my anxiety. I’m pretty sure she could. I’m pretty sure our kids always can. This is scary, isn’t it? That our feelings are not just ours.
On the walk to the school, I held Big Girl’s hand and we skipped on the sidewalk. I handed her two candy corns. Just because! I said as she smiled and chewed. You can have more later! After you play! Was it bribery? Maybe so. Was it more evidence of trying too hard? It seems so. Were these chipper words and this little gesture the fruits of my mommy stress? Absolutely.
Big Girl was a champ. She did great. As I knew she would. But that’s not really what this is about, is it? It’s about us. Those of us who steer our little creatures around the sea of their days, anchored by fear, fueled by anxiety and deep love, wanting and wishing, trying and trying, sometimes, often, too hard.
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Do you think our children sense our stress? To what extent? What can we do, if anything, to ensure that our anxiety does not adversely affect our little ones? Do you ever find yourself trying too hard?
Oh, I know my children sense when my husband and I are stressed. It’s one of the reasons we had to move from our last house – the situation was so stressful (a house in the middle of a business, meaning no privacy ever) on me that it was affecting all of us, to the point where the littles weren’t even sleeping well at night anymore.
Pretty sobering, to realize our very emotions have such an effect on these small people. A good reminder to try to cultivate peace in our own lives.
absolutely… i think the best thing we can do for our kids is identify our own fears and anxieties and work on them… look at how parents react when a child has a meltdown in a public place… they freak… it is about the fear of being deemed a ‘bad’ parent and having an ‘imperfectly’ behaved child… we are human, as are they… but never ever does our anxiety help them to be their best (or us our best)…
I come to this post from a different angle. I think it’s great that our kids can sense our emotions. That kind of emotional intelligence and intuition is invaluable and the fact that they develop it at such young ages is critical to honing it into a more finely tuned instrument for their adult use. Also, it forces us to control our own reactions to things, focusing on the positive and forming genuine reactions that we would want our kids to be privy to. This isn’t to say that we should only present happy faces all the time. Kids need to be exposed to things that are stressful, sad, and painful so that they learn how to handle those emotions as well. But their awareness of our emotions it can help us to temper our responses to the things around us.
I was never more acutely aware of their ability to sense my feelings when they were infants. I remember my first baby, I was only 25 and knew nothing about parenting. I was so anxious and when my baby boy would start crying, my anxiety would increase and his crying would too. I finally caught on and, as Gale mentioned above, understanding this aspect allowed me to relax enough to allow my baby to relax as well.
so pleased to reconnect with your site.
how true our feelings are felt by the young set.
wanted to forward this to dorothy but couldn’t figure out how.
xoxo martha
I would be concerned if my children never recognized when I was I stressed, sad, happy or angry. It can be a good thing as long as they don’t feel overwhelmed when we do.