How Do We Prevent Our Children From Becoming Spoiled Brats?
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My girls are really good kids. At least I think so. They watch a fair bit of television and their nutritional proclivities need some work, but they are kind, thoughtful little creatures. I’m proud of this. I hope it continues.
The winter months are a challenge for us because they are chock-full of celebrations and gifting opportunities. Christmas obviously brings with it lists for Santa, expectations for certain loot, and endless goodies, edible and other. The season seems to spread itself wide, stretching for the whole month of December and beyond. It doesn’t help that we celebrate with both my family and Husband’s; there are gifts in both places, stockings in both places, doting grandparents, aunts and uncles in both places, and a surplus of cousins on my side. And then. And then it is Big Girl’s birthday and this usually entails several parties. The family parties – at home, with my family, with Husband’s. And the friend party. By the middle of the month (a.k.a. Now) our home is stuffed with stuff.
But this is not a post about stuff. It’s not a post about excess at the end of which I will predictably proclaim: Less is more! This post would be a compelling one; maybe I will write it and soon. But this post is about children.
My children. Your children. Children.
Okay, cut to the chase: When my kids receive lots of things, they ask for more things. They do not quite grasp that holidays and birthdays are discrete days that come and go, that they are not entitled to new stuff everyday. When I try to explain to my kids that they are fortunate, that they should appreciate what they have, they seem to understand but then they often slip into some kind of whine-fest/shockingly-articulate-negotiation-mode that drives me marginally berserk. Now, I must say, this whiny business has gotten leagues better in the recent weeks, but I think this is worth discussing because from what I’ve gathered by talking to fellow parental units, I am far from alone.
How do we prevent our children from becoming spoiled brats?
This question has been on my mind a lot lately. Husband and I have had many a conversation about this. And we’ve come to no ready conclusion. There are the obvious approaches: Do not give them an excessive number of gifts! Do not allow them to attend an excessive number of birthday parties or have birthday parties that are excessive in nature! If they have birthday parties, institute a no-gift policy up front! Engage your kids in meaningful service/charity opportunities through which they can gain perspective and glimpse lives of the less-fortunate!
There is no doubt that all of these things could work. I know that. But here’s the thing: My girls are five, three, and ten months. They are young. They are still new to this world. They can only grasp and internalize so much. I would love to know how to more subtly instill in them a sense of gratitude and graciousness. The reality is that they will get gifts. The reality is that they will go to parties. The reality is that they will celebrate holidays and birthdays multiple times. The reality is that they will be exposed to privilege and entitlement and stuff.
What can we do in the face of these realities? What should we do?
I write this because I am a mother and this strikes me as an important challenge.
I write this because I have a hunch this has been a challenge many of you have faced in one form or another with various degrees of success.
Mostly though, I write this because I love them and I care. About who they are now. And, also, who it is they become.
{The big girls’ lovely 2011 letter to Santa featuring an exquisitely-rendered Rudolph.}
Oh. P.S. – For any of you following the delightful Rowley vomit saga with interest, Big Girl, our last one standing, bit the dust last night. Poor babe. Five for five!
Any bits of more practical or philosophical wisdom on how we can avoid spoiling our children? How do we maintain the purity and goodness we glimpse in them this early on?
I don’t know the answer to this, but I do think – and worry – about it all the time. I think the specific things you cite are necessary, but not sufficient. It’s probably the single thing I want most for my children: that they be grateful, and humble. xo
We’ve started telling our children that if the whining over stuff gets too prevalent, we will start taking away the toys that they already have. Because it’s not about how much you have, it’s being grateful for what you’re given.
In fact, gratitude and grace are two of the biggest virtues we are trying to instill in our girls (as well as the all-important “people are more important than things”) – which means that those are the virtues we need to exhibit the most for them to imitate.
Honestly, I never really thought about this. Shocking, huh? So I’m curious how others will reply.
Now I’m trying to figure out why I’ve never been consumed by this question. Have I done something wrong as a parent??? Perhaps because both of my parents are older and were raised during the Great Depression. They grew up very frugally and then ingrained those values in me as I grew up. As I said, I never really gave it a second thought.
Oh how I hear you!Since IEP’s birthday falls in mid-November we are in a similar situation with the parade of “stuff” in the last two months of the year. As far as tactical suggestions go, here are my ideas:
1) We use the words “special treat” a lot when he starts requesting cake or presents at inappropriate times. As in, “Cake is a special treat for birthdays and today is not your birthday,” and so on.
2) Also, as you indicated, we included a “No gifts please” clause on his b-day inivitation. Some people will still bring gifts and we will graciously accept them, but I try to make the celebration more important than the loot.
3) Thank you notes. I know you’ve said these aren’t your favorite things to do, but by the mere fact that they are time-consuming and laborious to write I think they implicitly instill the notion of gratitude being very important.
3) Another idea I’ve heard floated is that each kid only gets a birthday party (the “friend” party, which is typically held at an outside venue and more expensive and elaborate than the at-home, family variety) every other year. For some families this is strictly a means of cutting down on costs (esp. for families whose kids’ b-days fall around the same time of year), but it could also help mitigate a sense of entitlement. You could continue to do at-home family gatherings every year. You don’t want the girls to feel that they aren’t still being celebrated in their “off years.” But alternating years on the big, off-site, “friend” party might be a good way to impress the importance of taking turns with your sister, etc.
But, more important than any single tactic is the fact that you are aware of this and want your children to be gracious and grateful girls. As long as that is at the core then you will find whatever specific actions work best to get you there. It will be and imperfect journey, to be sure. But I’m confident that you’re on the right track.
No good advice, just commiserating on both your posts over the last two days. We had the stomach bug last night. It hit my 12 month old, then husband, me and Nanny. Amazingly, our 4 year old was unscathed. It was nasty. I could sense in your post an underlying current which I also felt which is as bad as those timss are, there is also a positive. In those moments, I know exactly what motherhood is and means and that I am doing ok at it.
On the spoiling, we are a family of four with 3 January birthdays. By the end of the month, I am just done with the stuff. I have no good solution. I am sending husband to his parents with the girls on Sat to do a massive cleanout, but somehow I know I won’t actually get rid of much. My four year old still asks for toys that I got rid of last year.
I agree, there isn’t much you can do when they are this little, but head to the mall and look at the 12 year old girls yelling at their moms to buy them things and you realize somewhere along the line, you have to take control. I just haven’t figured out how and when.
Hi! Great post and great comments. I agree with what most people said, but I disagree the notion in the last comment that you can’t do much with little kids. I think this all comes down to a matter of attitude, which only comes with constant reminders and conversation about gratitude. I can’t tell if you what I’m doing is working yet (kids are 7, 5, 3, and 3 months) but we are ALWAYS talking about gratitude . . . how blessed we are . . . how lucky. Certainly it can’t hurt though, right? Kids have to be taught to feel grateful. I don’t think it’s a natural feeling. The natural feeling for children is that the world revolves around them, which in most houses it does.
Two years ago my then-five year old was really bratty about a hanukkah present he didn’t like. We took it away. Literally brought it back to the store. He still remembers that two years later and always acts appreciative for gifts. It’s the gratitude “gift” that keeps on giving because his little sisters have heard the story and are scared to act bratty about gifts. It’s become Hanukkah lore around here.
My big issue these days is getting them not to waste food, which is also a gratitude/entitlement issue. Would love to hear ideas!
Sorry Aidan, this is tough and with girls at 3 and 8 months, I am here to learn! But I certainly know what you mean about striking a balance between showing that you care and want to do nice things for them and having them take it too far with their demands. Where is that line? How do we instill the sense of gratitude and expel the entitlement?
I like Gale’s idea of the thank you cards. An act that requires taking deliberate action in expressing gratitude is certainly something that would go pretty far I think. But other than that, like I said, I got nothing, but I’m taking notes!
p.s. sorry to hear about the sickness that is blowing through your house. Our girls just recovered from their week-long illness. Must be that time of the year huh? Hope everyone gets well soon!
Love this post. I think about this all the time, too. I try to remind myself that the whining and lack of gratitude is age appropriate (I have a six year old and almost 2 year old) but these behaviors are triggers for me- I find that I get impatient and annoyed because I’m ashamed of the lack of gratitude/display of bratty-ness. And maybe even see it as a reflection on my parenting? But I know my anger and impatience isn’t helping the situation and so at the start of this holiday season, I tried some pro-active things that I am hoping will support the development of gratitude.
1- starting in late Oct, in response to big “I wants..” most often prompted by toy commercials during TV time, we encouraged her to make a Chanukah list
2- In response to the smaller “I wants…” when we were out and about we started talking about the approach of Chanukah and the need to save money in order to afford the larger wants. The hope is that I can help teach my kids that we can’t have everything we want and that often there are trade-offs in life.
3-I actively started talking about how lucky we are to be able to afford fun toys and clothes, etc. I brought up the truths that some families can’t spend money on these things. And I started the conversation with my daughter about what WE could do about it. (I wasn’t thrilled by the lack of engagement on this from her, but I am trying to maintain patience here. I was hoping to come to some conclusion about giving up a night of toys to donate that night’s loot instead. She didn’t get there and my husband and I decided not to force it. My hope is that if we continue to talk about it, she will move closer to that for next year. She did suggest donating this years’ unwanted gifts, so I’ll settle for that for now).
4- We actively go through toys before Chanukah AND birthdays, and make room for new ones. I never get pushback about this. We give away old ones to friends, family and a local shelter. I use the purging time to talk about what “I want” toys ended up going unused, or weren’t as cool as they looked in the commercials. Maybe laying the groundwork for being a wise consumer? Or maybe just wishful thinking.
4-We’ve JUST started to respond to small “I wants..” (think, Claire’s accessories) with the offer to split the cost of the item, if it’s not something that we consider a necessity. We suggest that our daughter use allowance money or lost teeth money to pay for half. I am hoping that this is a way for her to develop a sense of what things are worth to her, which I hope is the first step in the gratitude process?
Not sure if any of these are good steps or right steps, just hoping they lay the groundwork of gratitude.
I Am looking forward to reading others’ ideas so I can get some new ones. Thanks for this thoughtful conversation starter!
I don’t have much advice on thsi topic because I don’t have kids but was thinking maybe you should talk to your mom about it? I imagine you are raising your girls similar to how you were raised and it seems you have turned out to have a very gracious and caring attitude in life.
Also, I wanted to say thank you for the midday chuckle I got out of your comment about the “Rowley vomit saga”…it is not funny that you have all been so sick but it made me laugh that we have been watching you all fall victim to this one by one as you have updated us everyday on your blog. Glad the entire family will be feeling well and back to normal by the weekend!!
I hear you loud and clear on this one Aidan! With 2 girls that have Nov. b-days the STUFF thing by the end of Dec. is out of control!
Like yourself, I want my girls, ages 8 and 3, to be appreciative of what they have, the gifts they receive and to understand that not everyone has what they do… and I find it challenging to do this at a young age too.
Something that we try to instill in our girls is that certain things ARE privileges. And privileges need to be earned. And when unacceptable behavior occurs privileges can be taken away.
When my 8 year old was about 3 1/2 or 4 she received this Strawberry Shortcake doll. She loved it. When whiny or disrespectful behavior occurred the Strawberry Shortcake doll went on top of a shelf she could not reach but could see. Then she had to earn the doll back by either be an extra special helper with something or by proving for “X” amount of time (a few hours, a day or two) that she is can behave better and that she understands the difference between good and unacceptable behavior.
When kids need to earn things they appreciate them more. When things are taken away and they earn them back I find my girls are more grateful and they have a new found appreciation for the item.
This might sound sort of strict but I think when kids “earn” the things they start to appreciate that things have value.
We do this not just with material items but with other stuff as well. Playing on the computer or Kindlefire is a privilege and the girls can earn extra time or lose time on them.
We are also big on asking properly and saying “thank you” and writing thank your for gifts.
Other than talking about it, I’m not sure how else to instill a sense of appreciation but we try our best.
I hope the Rowley household is fully healthy soon. My little girl is missing seeing your middle girl at school. Hope all is well very soon!
I always feel a kinship with your girls since I have the same age range among the sisters in my family. I don’t have kids yet but I second Gale’s idea of instituting the Thank You Note policy because it is so purposefully thoughtful. It might also be helpful to take on the idea of ONE birthday party per child, since it seems that part of the excess comes from family members who don’t realize that their gifts (though appreciated) are excessive. My extended family was keen on gift giving, and a few people were finally told that they would have to stick to gift cards or events, intangible presents because our house was getting too packed. I loved that, because it meant my relatives started spending more time with me. I never missed the toys.
As the parent of slightly older children (16,13 and 7) my experience is that consistency in not allowing the kids to get everything they want goes a long way. Over time, the “stuff” gets to be less. Presents tend to be more expensive (electronics and such) and they simply get fewer things. But the gratefulness I think comes in with follow through on manners (please/thank you/thank you notes) as well as their own experience where they see others will more and less. When they get a sense of the worth of a dollar, it’s much easier to impress.
But it’s not all about monetary things either. For example, I had to have a sit down with my teen a few weeks ago. I spent a good portion of my weekend carting him and his girlfriend around – movies, her house and back, etc… On Sunday he got home late and chose not to participate in dinner (wasn’t hungry) and he gave me strong resistance about having to do the dishes (his turn for the chore) because he didn’t eat. My talk with him was on more of an adult level about gratitude and participation within the family unit.
It’s tough though. There are times when I feel they don’t have enough. But – a good judge – when they go stay with another family and the report you get back. (Chest out with pride) that I have received exemplary reports – and that is what counts in my book.