The Importance of Instinct
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5:48am. Tuesday. February 21. Starbucks.
I sit here. It is still dark outside. And in here; the barista has not yet turned on the overheads.
I sit here. And my mind does its little dance, its morning jig. I am one sip into my venti and more confused than ever. This confusion, this sense of floating, of not knowing, is an immense privilege. I know this and I am thankful.
I sit here and I wade through my confusion. I feel around. There are floors, walls, temporary and load-bearing; there is a keen structure to this place.
I sit here. And I have so many things to ask, and to say, but today I will talk about instinct. Because instinct is important, wildly important.
Yesterday. Yesterday morning, Little Girl was extra clingy and extra fussy. There were long stretches of time when she was perfectly fine and happy, but there were moments when she pinned me with her big blue eyes and I looked into them and I knew something was off. It took me a little while, but it came to me: She has an ear infection.
Hours later, we were there. At the doctor’s office on a holiday weekend. I sat there on the white paper sheet of the examination table as the nurse examined my squirming girl. Her right ear, per the nurse, looked beautiful. Her left? A complete infected mess.
I knew it. I did.
Instinct comes in other forms, too. Less obvious forms. Some of the time, it arrives in subtle waves, in a persistent but kind nagging. Some of the time, it is a tap on the shoulder.
I sit here. In Starbucks. And I am not alone. I am sitting with my instinct. And this morning, my instinct is saying something to me, in her telltale cryptic whisper, something to me about change, something to me about this blog.
Stop or change it, Instinct says.
I have been blogging here for almost three years. That is a big chunk of time as far as I am concerned. And in these three years, my life has changed profoundly, and I have changed with it. And I see this as only a good thing, this fact that I have evolved as a person, but it makes things complicated, and it makes me confused.
Cut to the chase: I’m contemplating quitting blogging. I say contemplating because really that’s all; I’m just thinking about it. And I’m trying to figure out why I’m thinking about it. I’m trying to cull reasons.
Here are some possibilities: I am feeling more protective of my privacy and of my girls these days. I am feeling more drawn to my fiction, to my desire to write books that take time. I am feeling more curious about the breathing world, the friends who pepper the preschool hallway, and sit across from me while I indulge in my existential riffs. I am feeling a slippery sense of time passing with my girls and want to be with them, really with them, as much as possible. I am feeling anxious about finding a focus here, a meaningful impetus to decide – Am I a Mommy Blogger? A Life Blogger? What the bleep do these things mean and do they matter? I am feeling ripples of change in my world and in my body and in my mind; a desire to turn inward and plumb the depths of the memories and stories that are piling up within me. Interestingly, I am feeling a swelling sense of confidence and power when it comes to my writing but not to myself.
Goodness, I am feeling many things. It feels good to feel.
Instinct. It is here with me. Hovering. Holding my hand. Telling me that as long as I listen, or try to, I will be fine. Great.
And so. And so I will. I will listen. And for now, that means this blog might evolve in ways even I cannot totally foresee. My posts might shrink down into small, distilled bits. I might turn off the comments some days. I might post just pictures or just quotes or just questions some days. I might publish rough parts of my next novel. I might go days without publishing a word. I might post three times a day. I don’t know.
What I do know is that I don’t want to abandon this space, that has been immensely important to me, and continues to be even if I’m confused about the role it should play in my life these days. What I do know is that this corner keeps me thinking and thinking is everything. And it keeps me writing, this blog. Not about my characters, my creations. But about me.
This corner keeps me writing about Me. Arguably my most important character, my most important creation, of all.
So. Bear with me. Bear with me as I sit here in my Starbucks, in my confusion, in my life as I think and ask and write clumsily about change.
6:14am. The streets are still dark. My coffee is now warm. I will head home and walk through a door and hug little girls, stumbling with gratitude into the chaotic promise of another fine day.
Do you have any ideas – big or small – on how I might maintain this blog within the confines of my personal and professional instincts and evolution? Have you struggled to keep your blog afloat at times? Are you a different person now than you were three years ago? Do you believe in the profound importance of instinct when it comes to living life?
I enjoy your blog a lot, however life changes and everyone is different now than they were three years ago, just look at where you are now.
I don’t believe you should say exactly what you will do, just do what you feel everything evolves. I started my blog thinking I would be able to blog everyday and as you can gather not so! Many of the blogs I follow don’t blog daily, most do so weekly with the occasional post in between.
Follow your instincts and it will guide you, good luck.
You know I wrestle with some of these same questions myself, and unfortunately I don’t have any answers. But trust that we’ll be here reading, whether it’s this blog or your next novels … and I agree with you on the power of instinct. I look forward to watching what you do; hopefully it will help me figure out my path too!
xox
Perhaps you could write more about the process of writing and publishing your second book? I think that would be very interesting and would not sacrifice your girls’ privacy. There are a lot of aspiring writers out there that would love to know the ins and outs. In any case– I applaud you for keeping this blog going for 3 years. I am terrible with that sort of thing! Good luck with whatever you decide. I have enjoyed reading it!
Don’t stop blogging!
I admire your willingness to listen to the small voice within. Change is healthy and inevitable and I think we ultimately always end up enjoying it more when we let it unfold instead of resisting or turning a deaf ear. I certainly hope you don’t stop altogether because I’ll miss your writing but I very much look forward to the new ways you allow this wonderful space to open.
I understand. I hope you don’t quit altogether, but I understand the pull of family and career. Please bear in mind that there is a lot of space between posting five days a week and not posting at all. Perhaps once or twice a week would maintain your presence in this space without stripping away as much of your time and privacy. It’s not an easy decision and I know that your instinct will serve you well.
I read this post yesterday and have been thinking of it ever since.
Like you, I go back and forth about blogging and how to make it fit into the rest of my life as a mother and a writer. Over the last two years, I’ve gone from posting seven times a week (egad!) to posting (usually) once a week. And that works for me, for now, giving me a lingering connection to a genre and a community that I’ve come to love, but without taking too much time away from my other writing.
I’ll look forward to seeing where your instinct leads you and will be here to read however often you decide to write. xo
I feel like I’ve read about 15 of your “to blog or not to blog” posts. They’re getting a little bit tedious.
I really do enjoy your writing and I’m aware that reading your words is of course not mandatory. Follow your instincts, but if you’re writing some version of the same post every three months, you’re not quite…doing it right.
Or, you know, ignore me.
I like that you share your thoughts, no matter how frequent and repetitive. That’s part of the healing nature in writing. As I learned from The Artist’s Way, how can we continue to ponder the same things over and over again without doing something about it? That is why these things arise: to keep ourselves aligned with our hearts truest desires.
I’m with Kristen; I’ll be here to read as you continue to explore where these instincts will take you.
Good luck!
I get how you feel, but I adore your photos and the snippets of life you share and would miss them terribly.
The thing about writing – writing a lot, and writing daily and hitting that publish button no-matter-what, is that overtime I do think it helps, in some way. I’m a faster, better, more confident writer than I was when I started blogging four years ago. I’m also far more aware of my failings and bad habits, but that’s part of getting better, too, right? Then again, my day job is to write quickly and confidently when there’s no time to spare, so … maybe not as useful for novels.
Have you read Laura van der Kam’s 168 Hours? It is both very practical advice for thinking out how to use your time and make choices, and very freeing – LvdK is big on not apologizing for what you don’t want to do.
All that said, I absolutely share your sense that it is VERY hard to write about our children and I don’t know how to balance it … I just don’t do it a lot, and I rarely write about family members. They’d flip. So if walking away from this makes sense, well … I get that, and I’ll still read your novels.