I am not a relationship expert. I am not sure I believe in relationship experts.

But I do believe in relationships. In ideas. In theories. In questions. This is one of my favorite parts about writing. For me, it’s not just about weaving words and bringing characters to life. No. Writing is also about positing theories about humanity, about existence, about the nature of relationships. I like to inject a little philosophy into my prose. In my estimation, that’s when things get interesting.

And so. Over the past several years, I have cooked up a slew of ideas, of theories. On many topics – childhood, happiness, love, loss, place, purpose, parenthood… The list goes on and on. I keep these shards of speculation tucked away for future use, for future conversations. But today, I would like to put forth three theories I have about successful relationships. I realize even before I float these ideas your way that they are vague, that they might be full of air. But they are interesting, I think. (To me at least.)

On Nurturing: In most successful relationships I have seen, there is one Nurturer. One person who typically takes care of the other in ways big and small. The Nurturer is very often the person who makes the coffee in the morning and picks up dry cleaning and holds airline tickets during a vacation. The Nurturer is often more about gestures than words, gestures that often come very naturally. It is important that the Nurturer is allowed to nurture. Having two Nurturers would not work very well as the Nurturer enjoys the power that comes from tending to the needs, spoken and unspoken, of the Nurteree. (I put forth this theory in Life After Yes wherein Sage was most definitely the nurturer in his relationship with Quinn.)

On Chaos & Order: In most successful relationships I have seen, one party is more drawn to chaos and the other is more drawn to order. Chaos Seeker is a fan of complexity, of conversation, of life’s loose ends. Order Seeker likes things tidy physically and existentially. Chaos Seeker will often find ways to muddy clear waters just for the sake of doing so. Order Seeker sees the patterns in life and love and home and is attracted to predictability and stability. Chaos Seeker and Order Seeker need each other; the former enjoys the challenge of shaking things up. The latter needs a canvas of evolving chaos to fashion order.

On Stress & Serenity: In most successful relationships I have seen, one party is the Stress Maven, more inclined to fret about things – from the toxins in toys to the possibility of terrorism. The Serene One, on the other hand, tends to trust people and the world and that things will turn out okay. Again, these two balance each other out. Stress about life’s grays is often important, but must often be reigned in. It is the Serene One’s job (and often joy) to keep the anxiety within limits.

Again, these are just theories. And here we have just snapshots of these theories. I do not pretend to know what a “successful relationship” is, but I have instincts about things I see around me. Consider the dialectic of the above theories, how they work (or don’t work) together… Is the Nurturer always the Order Seeker? Is the Chaos Seeker invariably the Stress maven? I’m not sure…

Those of you who know me will not be surprised to hear that in my marriage I am the Nurturee, the Chaos Seeker, and the Stress Maven.

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• Thoughts on my decidedly non-expert theories?
• Do you think all of this is a more nuanced way of saying that opposites attract?
  
• In your relationship, are you the Nurturer or the Nurturee? The Chaos Seeker or Order Seeker? The Stress Maven or Serene One?
• Do you like stumbling upon ideas in fiction?
• Do you have any relationship theories of your own? Share ‘em!
  

You are so lucky to have found something you love to do, about which you are passionate, but that allows you to be flexible and be with your girls.

I have heard some variation of the above statement many times recently. From friends. From family. From blog and book readers. And when I hear this, this truth, I nod. Because it’s true. I am lucky. I am exquisitely lucky. To have stumbled upon something (writing) that I genuinely adore. Something that feeds me and fuels me and makes me see the world – and myself – more clearly. And something that by its very nature is fluid and flexible. Something that transcends an orthodox employer/employee model. Something that allows me to be here. Home.

So, yes, I am lucky. I realize this. Every single day.

And yet. And yet, this is not easy. This gig. This juggling act. Because that’s exactly what it is – an act – a show, a dance. Somehow, unwittingly or no, I think I give off the impression that I dwell in dream world, that I bounce back and forth between my prose and my progeny with enviable grace and gumption.

Not so.

I struggle. Every single day. I struggle with the choice. Because it is up to me. Attend birthday party or write two chapters? Pick up from school or edit? Snuggle pajama-clad babes or pen a blog post? These are the questions that float through my mind. And the answers? They are mine to find. And this is amazing. A true privilege.

But this is also hard. Often impossible.

Every hour I spend here is one I do not spend with my girls. Girls who are growing and changing by the day. Every hour I spend tapping keys is one I do not spend tickling toes that won’t be tiny for long.

Recently, I have been doing some serious thinking. Thinking about how I want to spend these days. These days when my kids are little and home. I have thought seriously about hanging it up for a while, putting the writing on that proverbial back burner, for the time being. To focus on the tiny creatures who call me Mommy. To focus on the tiny creature who brews with evolutionary elegance in my core. Why not press pause for a year, one measly year, and focus solely on them, on this fleeting and wonderful time?

Because.

Because I have found something I love to do, about which I am passionate. And I want to do that thing. I need to do that thing. Not doing that thing, not writing, would not be good for me. By extension, it would not be good for them.

And so. I am back where I started. In the struggle. Immersed in a problem it is my privilege to live. Asking questions. Feeling tugs. Shaking from choice. Celebrating the ability, imperfect as always, to do both.

I woke up this morning at 4:30am. A cruel time to rise. It was an experiment though. In the stunning quiet, I poured myself a cup of coffee. I started typing. I wrote 2000 words. Words that say something. Words that need work. Words that require polish. Words that are part of me.

And now. Now it is 7:07am. The house is still silent. I sit here at the kitchen counter. Listening for the patter of little feet. Waiting for the blue of baby eyes. I sit here, swaddled in serene struggle, and tell myself something good. Something foolish, but good.

I can do both. I will do both.

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• Do you struggle – and constantly – in your efforts to balance your personal and professional worlds?
• Do you think that you are a better parent because you pursue personal goals apart from your parenting?
• Do you ever doubt the choices you have made – and are making – about the way you spend your time?
• Do you think we parents and people can really do both, have both personal and professional success? (What is success? I don’t pretend to know.)
  

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Remember last week when I asked you a few million times to vote for me in a book club contest? Well, I am now officially at liberty to announce that — thanks to all of you and your exquisite voting support — Life After Yes is the final SheKnows Book Club pick of the year!

The book club discussion will take place in October/November. If you are interested in joining or learning more details, please click HERE. And stay tuned for news about upcoming contests, interviews, reviews of LAY and details about a live chat I will be doing over at SheKnows.

A little info on SheKnows: As one of the fastest growing destinations on the web, SheKnows (www.sheknows.com) is consistently one of the top 10 properties for women, generating over 150 million page views and more than 12.5 million unique visitors per month. The SheKnows audience gains access to exclusive content on entertainment, parenting, health and wellness, money and career, dating, beauty and style and more, and are offered a stimulating, well-rounded online experience enhanced with a vibrant message board community, free games and activities, and captivating blogs. The company is based in Los Angeles with offices in New York, Scottsdale and Chicago. SheKnows is part of Atomic Online (www.atomiconline.com), a diversified online media company. (Information taken from this page of SheKnows site.)

So, it goes without saying, but I will say it anyway: I am thrilled. Honored. Pumped. All of the above.

And I am very grateful to SheKnows for providing me and my book this wonderful opportunity, to the readers and bloggers who nominated Life After Yes for consideration as a pick, and to all of you out there who took precious time from your days to vote for this rookie in the writing game. I have said it time and time again here, but it’s true: writing is in so many ways a very isolating, even lonely, experience. And feeling as supported as I do now is really nothing short of amazing. Thank you.

Finally, a big thanks also to my very talented fellow nominees: Chandra Hoffman (Chosen), Claire Avery (Hidden Wives) and Melissa Senate (The Love Goddess’ Cooking School). I look forward to reading these three books and I encourage you all to pick them up as well.

Okay, that’s it for today. Check back tomorrow for my earth-shattering Cheesecake Epiphany.

(And, again, thank you!!!!)

We humans often talk about fear of the unknown. We cower together at the idea of uncertainty, the reality of roads unseen. Change looms and we know this, but we are afraid of its implications. Who will we be? Where will we be? What we life be?

Abstract enough for you? I have a point. (I think.)

My littlest Sister T moved to Chicago this past Monday. She moved there without much of a plan. No job. No roommate. She just went, seeking to shift things up. Now, it is worth reminding you all that T is no slouch. The kid graduated from Yale last May at the tippy-top of her class with a GPA that would make you cry. I do not tell you this to brag, but to tell you that her future? It’s undeniably bright. (I also tell you this to brag, I guess. Hey, I’m proud.)

Anyway. The point here is that she has no idea what her life will look like. Where will she work? Whom will she date? How will she spend her time? Will she meet a gorgeous stranger at 1am at darkened bar? Will she fall in love with a career she never dreamed about before? Will she take in the Chicago fall air and never turn back? I don’t know. She doesn’t either.

I know she is a little scared. A bit fearful of the unknown. This makes perfect sense. If she weren’t a bit anxious about the unfolding of her life, I’d be worried. But I think, I know, she’s also really excited. To walk out into her life. To putter around the real world, a world beyond Ivy. To see who it is she becomes.

And I am excited, too. To watch her fumble and stumble into her own happiness. To witness her evolution. To see her grow.

And, if we are being really honest here, I am a tad envious. She has so many big things ahead of her. I think I might just have to live vicariously. Nothing wrong with that.

Because me? I’m ten years ahead of her in this game of life. A full decade. My life is very different from hers, its contours more fixed, its contents more defined. I am a wife and a mother. I have a home. I have a professional passion. And these are exquisite things I would never ever trade, but they are also known. I have a good sense of what my life will look like in one year, five years, ten. The biggest uncertainty for me right now is whether I will have another girl or a boy this spring. I find out in two weeks and I can’t wait! But then again, I can wait. Because once I find out, I will know.

I guess you could say I have a fear of the known. A fear that it is all mapped out, my life’s landscape, and that it’s my job to just live within the boundaries. But even as I write this, I chide myself for my simplistic thinking. Life is never known. We can plan and plot, but things are never fixed, never firm. Change always lingers. Surprise always looms.

We never know entirely, do we?

This is scary. This is good.

T, I am so so proud of you. I can’t wait to watch your adventures from afar. And I can’t wait to come visit next month! Love you.

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• Are you afraid of the unknown?
• Are you afraid of the known?
• Do you think at any given point in life we are afraid of one or the other?
• Which city do you like better – Chicago or New York?
• Any words of wisdom for T as she sets out on her life adventure?
  

A final plea. If you haven’t yet, please click HERE to vote for Life After Yes as SheKnows final book club pick of the year! Your support thus far has been incredible! This will be the last time I beg. Promise

Baby knows how to play (age-appropriate) video games on my iPhone. She is very good at these games. Toddler knows how to surf the Internet; her latest fascination is, appropriately, Halloween costumes on Amazon. Toddler’s preschool has a computer lab. She had her very first computer class of the year yesterday. Fine. My kids are itty-bitty modern movers. Too cute, right?

Maybe.

Last week, something happened. We were all in our family room around bedtime. As per usual, the girls had watched a DVRed program or two and Husband and I turned off the television and announced that it was time to call it a night. Baby protested. “No!” she screamed, adorably of course. Then she grabbed the remote. This was a funny image that made us smile because at just shy of two she is still a pretty small creature and the remote for our new television system is, well, bulky. Anyway, she held that remote close to her chest.

And I conducted a little experiment. I said, “Fine, little girl. If you can figure out how to turn on the television and get it to your show, you can watch one more.” Husband and I shared a good old parenthood guffaw at the very idea of this.

Turns out the joke was on us. Baby played around with that fat remote and in no time, the big screen came to life. It was still on the program guide, so we still had some hope, but then Baby furrowed her tiny brow, studied the big black rectangle, pressed a single button and voila. Dora the Explorer.

I kid not. She is 22 months. What the – ? So, Husband and I laughed. And the four of us sat down and watched little Dora bound through those candy green cartoon woods.

I do not know what to make of this. That my kids, my very young kids, are beyond proficient with the technology of the day. On the one hand, I am proud and full of awe. On the other hand, I am, on a very basic level, alarmed. These little people do not even know how to read – or write – yet. Is it okay that they are mastering buttons and screens before they are mastering pages and sentences?

Let’s hope so.

During preschool initiation last year, teachers and administrators from Toddler’s school (which we truly adore) spoke about this phenomenon, this reality that our children, whether we like it or not, are growing up in a different world. That they are digital natives. I can’t remember the details of the presentation, but I do recall being intrigued and impressed and amazed that this school had given this all so much thought, about how to prepare our children for life in this modern age without losing sight of the incomparable more traditional skills and development that have been around forever.

I write about this today because I have a hunch that I am not alone here. I imagine that some of you out there have encountered kids, maybe your own, who are shockingly comfortable around contemporary technology. I imagine that if we are honest here, and ask the big and hard questions, this could be a very interesting conversation.

So. Let’s go.

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• Are you amazed or alarmed at the very idea of digital natives?
• Do your kids fiddle impressively with your gadgets?
• Would you be pleased if your tiny tot was learning about computers at school

If you haven’t yet, please click HERE and vote for LIFE AFTER YES as the SheKnows final book club pick of the year. This is a tremendous honor and I need your help. Voting takes but a few seconds and is very easy. Come on. If my girls can do it, so can you! Thank you so much for your support!!!