Easier said than done. For me at least. But I like a challenge. I like to be good at things. So I have vowed to try. How to escape the self-induced grind? The go-go-go mentality of modern motherhood-plus? How to escape my ponderous existence and embrace frivolity? Celebrity gossip of course! So, I kick on the flip flops and make a beeline for my local newsstand. Newsstand Man sees me and looks like he has seen a ghost. "Are you okay? Are you sick? Where have you been?" His concern is genuine. And prime evidence of my former obsession with the celebrity species.
I assure him that I am fine. Better than fine. "I have babies. Two. And a book. And a blog now," I tell him as I pull a copy of Life & Style from the rack and survey the competition. Star. US Weekly. In Touch. Same pictures. Same people. Prancing and philandering. Faces pouty and puffy and perfect. $2.99. Three dollars to relax? Not bad. Not bad at all. So, I hand Newsstand Man money and take my magazine. And he utters a simple and cryptic goodbye, his dark eyes still glossed with concern. And as I walk home, I do something I am good at. I multi-task. I stroll and flip. I learn many important things:
- Khloe Kardashian has lost 20lb in four weeks!
- Jessica Simpson was dumped on her birthday!
- A man named Jon has left his eight children for a 22 year old!
- Charlize Theron wears that silver brocade blazer better than poor Molly Sims!
- Mischa Barton has packed on the pounds!
- Beyonce has $36,000 nails!
- Michael Jackson was not buried right away!
- Jennifer Aniston has a new man and new boobs!
Friends, it's not all about bloated bodies and busted relationships and bodacious breasts. It's not all doom and gloom and implants. No. There are some very positive and healthy and useful lessons. Dutifully, I read and am relieved to learn that stars have cute children and Britney Spears' sons are happy again and if I replace pretzels with edamame, I will get skinnier. Thankfully, there is information on the hottest summer skirts for my body type and there are a lineup of charitable underwear models who share their tricks for hiding flaws. Because they have so many! And, wait, a horoscope! Naomi Watts (my fellow sign-mate) and I are in the same existential boat: we are into hanging with new crews, confusing our BFFs, who are feeling left out. But to overcome our guilt and be reassuring, talk it over - our pals will understand! Phew. I turn the page. And learn that starting July 22, I can watch Toddlers and Tiaras! And then... Oops! What were they thinking? Fashion faux pas to avoid. Sequins with rainboots? Oh my!
Mission accomplished, I walk into my apartment, magazine in hand. Lose the flops. And realize I feel lighter. Freer. And so much smarter. In the know. Connected. Relaxed. Not a care in the world. Baby babbles and bounces toward me. Barefoot, I blog. I toss Baby my new magazine. Because you are never too young to learn about life and style. To be in touch. To be a star. And, promptly, poetically, my little star shoves that flimsy bible of banter and BS into her tiny mouth. And begins to chew. And rip it apart. And as I write this, I look down at her amidst a slobbery sea of rainbow shreds. And smile.