Here's the deal. My book hits shelves in twenty-eight-ish days. (Too lazy to count.) And in the off-chance that certain people come calling (Oprah! Martha! Barbara! Kelly! Kathy-Lee! Rachel! Tyra! Anyone! Ha!) and I have to make a spontaneous on-air appearance (double ha), I want to look good. Like Gisele good (triple and final ha).
And so. It's time to deal. As per the advice and challenge of my friend Foodtrainer and nutritionista Lauren Slayton, I have agreed to boycott bread.
(A moment of silence, please.)
Onward. This is tough. I do not consume vast amounts of bread these days. But. I do enjoy a big fat bagel from time to time. And kids' birthday parties? One of the main reasons for attending is the slices of pizza they hand out on SpongeBob plates. Yummers.
Enough of that deliciousness crap.
For one month. One month is not long, right? Thirty days give or take a few. We can give up most anything for this period of time without ill-effect, right? Right?
I think so. And so. Here I go.
Is this about vanity or insanity? Likely a bit of both.
It's important to tell you (and me) that I'm not going Atkins. I will not be seen at the local diner scarfing plates of bacon and blue cheese. No. I will be doing my normal fruit and veggies and protein and brown rice thing, but resisting the tantalizing bread basket (sob), the party pizza (whine), and even the fabulous Saturday scones at Alice's Teacup (cue the tears).
It's also important to tell you that I am looking for subtle, but sublime results. I am not a candidate for Biggest Loser. Thanks to grueling workouts with two tiny trainers, I am in pretty good shape. But I am also a human being. And a woman. Who wants to look her best. And feel her best. On a big day. On every day.
So no nutritionally-void bread-ish things. Just for one month. I can do this.
But why? Really, why? I told Sister C about this bread-free plan in a taxi yesterday. Which was not very nice because it was her birthday and who wants to hear about someone's wacky-and-gratuitous dietary agenda on her birthday? Anyway, as I told her about this decision to boycott bread products, I realized something. And I said this something aloud.
"This is a scary time for me and I have very little control. This no-bread thing? It's my attempt at controlling something."
She nodded as we pulled up to Bergdorfs where we lunched and drank midday rose wine (no bread in there!) and spent money on things we didn't need. (Skinny seersucker jeans for Toddler? Oui oui.)
So. Why am I dragging you into the shallow end with me? Scorning bread is hardly a meaningful and metaphorical topic. It's barely worth writing about. I know this. And yet. There is something under the cosmic crust here. A challenge. To live without something. To buck up. To pare back. To be healthier.
And rumor has it that people who embark on these crazy endeavors do better when they have partners-in-crime.
So. This is when I blush behind my applesauce-stained screen and ask you to be mine.
Will you join me on my no-bread-brigade?
It's just one month. Less than. On May 18th, in celebration of LIFE AFTER YES's cute little debut, you can march on over to your local bookstore, buy my book and then say yes to bread!
No? Not buying this? Fine. I get it. Bread is pretty yummy. And I am annoying. I understand.
But me? I'm sticking to this. Because I might have little to no control over how my literary baby fares, how many reviews come in or copies sell, but I can control what I put in my nervous little mouth. And so I will.
My track record on such endeavors? Terrible. I've done this very thing. And I lasted two days and promptly determined that quitting was delicious. The minute I make rules, I get a mischievous glint in my eyes (so says Husband) and want to break said rules. So we will see how this goes.
And if it goes well (Optimism, say hey!), I will look fetching in my cat-hair-covered yoga pants as I walk to Barnes & Noble on May 18th, trusty Starbucks cup in hand, to score several copies of a certain book that is currently #212,219 in the Amazon Sales Ranking (yay!).
(I know this post is prime evidence of my insecurity. I know. There is a reason my blog has its name.)
- Any interest in joining me in my month sans bread? Twitter buds @barbaraoneal, @Trishryan, @jennyonthespot, and @abbyisawkward are already quasi-onboard! (We can all commiserate because I bet we are going to get a bit snippy without proper carbs!)
- Have you ever embarked on a diet or fitness regimen during a time when you were anxious and had little control over certain important variables in your life?
- Are you a good dieter or do you fashion grand plans from which you veer almost immediately?
- How much bread do you regularly consume? Have you ever gone without it? Did you feel or look better?
ILI DAILY CHARM: A NEW FRIEND
We all know that writing can be the most solitary of endeavors. But blogging? It quite literally connects us to others. And, along the way, relationships - even friendships - are formed and forged. One of my very favorite new blogs MWF Seeking BFF is all about friendship. Its author Rachel is a talented (and soon-to-be published!) writer and keen observer. In her post today A Blog Eat Blog World? Not Really Rachel celebrates the inclusiveness of this cybercommunity. Check out my friend Rachel's brand new baby blog. You can thank me later :)