I shouldn't publish this post. Really. I should not do it. But here I am. Doing it.
Confession: That post from yesterday? The one where I admitted that I am positively shredded with exhaustion because my newborn is not sleeping through the night? Well, I wrote it Sunday when I felt sufficiently energized to string words together. (This is not every day these days. Hello, no sleep.) Anyway, I wrote it and then I lined it up to go live yesterday. And guess what happened? Monday night - the night before the post self-published - Little Girl slept through the night! I put her in her crib at 8:20pm and didn't hear a peep from her until 5am. Not bad, huh? And when I heard that peep which turned pretty quickly into a robust shout, I hopped out of bed smiling ready to go feed her. But then. I got to her crib and realized she was only half-awake. I slipped her pacifier in and she slept until 7:45am! In fact, I woke her at 7:45am to feed her.
And so. I shouldn't be writing this or publishing this because I fear I am jinxing things. As many of us parents know, the minute we say aloud that our kids are sleeping they stop sleeping. A good friend of mine actually has a code word for sleep - "kayak" - so that this does not happen to her. She speaks often of how long her kids have been kayaking, but never utters the S-word.
But I had to write this. Because after my post, after my honesty, there suddenly appears to be a light at the end of this treasured but tricky tunnel. I am feeling a surge of optimism and energy. I am also beginning to think that there is an immense magic in being truthful about these things - to ourselves, to others. Maybe it is when we recognize that there is a stubborn knot in life's string that it begins to unravel? Maybe this seems a stretch, but I don't think so.
I think that so many of us go through our days denying things. I think we tell ourselves stories. I think we pretend. That all is peachy. That there is an admirable and perfect order. We concoct fictions because fictions can be pretty. But you know what? Fictions are not true.
Truth matters. Sincerity - when it comes to self and struggle - is paramount. The moment we admit something, something small but sharp, there is an incomparable release. Change cannot happen if we don't recognize that we want it to happen, that we need it to happen.
And so. On this silly Wednesday when I am awash in little girls who sustain me and torture me, I am telling this story. About a baby who upon her mother's quasi-declaration of defeat decided to sleep and sleep soundly. And maybe this is all foolish, it probably is, but I will take that risk. Because herein lies a message.
Tell the truth. Even about the hard bits.
Maybe, just maybe, it will pay off.
Little Girl, please keep sleeping or 'kayaking'. I will call it whatever I need to as long as you keep doing it! :)
What are you struggling with recently? Come on - admitting it might make the situation instantly better! Have you ever noticed that being honest about something really does make it easier? Do you think that by announcing your victories you are jinxing yourself or is that bogus?