Making My Way.

Today was supposed to be the day.

Today was supposed to be the day I met my lovely agent (Brettne Bloom of Kneerim & Williams) for breakfast in the neighborhood. The day I handed over a crisp stack of pages, a draft of Book Two.

Instead. Instead I am going on a field trip with Big Girl. We are walking across the Brooklyn Bridge with her preschool class. There will be no breakfast. And there will be no glorious hand-off of my manuscript.

I emailed Brettne earlier this week to tell her that I needed to postpone our breakfast, that something came up with my daughter. I also told her that I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to give her my chapters. I stumbled through some excuses and I hit send. I felt terrible and disappointed in myself. Somehow, I thought if I set a deadline for myself and announced it to the world, I would in fact meet it, and deliver.

Alas. Not so.

I got the most wonderful email back from Brettne. She told me that the best books often take a lot of time to write, that I should get her my pages when they are ready, that I should stop being so hard on myself. I read her words and I smiled and I knew things would be okay. And they will. They will be better than okay.

There will come a time, and soon, when I hand over those pages, when my story is one step closer to completion. I am just not sure when that will be. And I'm trying to be alright with this, this not knowing part. And I'm also trying to remember that I am a busy creature, that my girls are young and won't always be. This trip to the Brooklyn Bridge? I think it's as important as that breakfast, and that draft. Maybe even more so?

I know I shouldn't be so hard on myself. The rub is that this is what I've done for upwards of three decades; I've expected a ton from myself, maybe too much. I've disciplined myself. This is what I know to do, how I know to get things done. So I am wondering if this is something I want to really try to change or whether this is truly something I'd be able to change at this point?

I'm not really sure where I am going with all of this, but I guess I felt it was important to acknowledge this day, this day that will no doubt end up being good, just a bit different than I'd pictured it. This day on which I can't help thinking about the symbolism of bridges. Bridges big and small and in-between. Bridges real and revered. Bridges anticipated and imagined.

I am realizing some things, and trying to accept them, too: We don't always get to the other side when we predict we will. And there is meaning not just in arriving, but also, and maybe especially, in making our way.

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Thank you, Brettne, for being such a thoughtful partner in this complicated-for-me personal/professional process. I am excited and honored to be working with you. One day this story is going to be there and it's going to be great, right?

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Are you hard on yourself personally and/or professionally? How do you feel when you set goals and don't meet them? Do you think we can learn to be more forgiving with ourselves?