I think I want another baby.
I say I think because I genuinely do not know if this is something I want. Is that weird? To not know what I want? The truth is that I cannot tell whether I'm just feeling nostalgic, whether the swift passing of time is filling with me with a sweet melancholy that feels like desire. I love being a mom. I love babies. I love the idea of a fourth child.
But the reality is that our family is big and that my life is so full. The reality is that we are exhausted and I'm not sure we could handle another. The reality is that our family is most likely complete. Never say never, but my instinct is that this is it. And it's a beautiful, lucky it.
I wonder sometimes about our capacity to love. Is it limitless? Is it infinite? If there were another little girl (I assume it would be a girl), would my heart stretch to snuggle her in? Or are there very real limits on how much we can give? I think about this sometimes.
Anyway, this is big. For me to admit that there is something I might want, something I will probably not get. But maybe admitting these things is important. Maybe it's a step of some sort. Toward acceptance. Toward peace.
On Sunday, my Little Girl got her first haircut. She's almost 4 and her hair was almost to her waist and it was all kind of silly that we waited that long. But there she was, in that chair, a cape draped around her small, sturdy frame. And I watched the woman snip away at the ends and my goodness, guys, it was a lot. I want her to get big - oh and she is - but she is my baby. Cliched, I know. So be it.
Time is passing. In breathtaking chunks. They are getting big. Life is changing. We want what we want. We love what we love. Hellos and goodbyes. It's all part of it. It's all real and hard and happy and good.
Do you believe it's possible to not truly know what we want?
Do you think our capacity to love is limitless?
Are you a nostalgic creature like I am?
Do you want more kids?